Santa's Been & Gone

So, it's back at work today for the quietest week of the year. The long weekend was a nice break from work, but it certainly had it's ups & downs.

After somehow magically surviving Sunday, Christmas morning arrived and it was a pretty good day all round. Went picnic-ing at Walter Sisulu botanical gardens with Jarred of Hurlingham (previously JC) and his lovely new girlf. The weather, although overcast, played along nicely and we managed to avoid the rain. In true Christmas-lunch style, we all ate too much but managed to walk off a little of it around the beautiful gardens. Definitely the closest thing to Kirstenbosch that the folks up in Jhb have.

Oh, and Peeb, thanks for the phone call from all the way around the world ;) And guard my new iPod with your life! I also got to have my traditional round-robin phone call (usually reserved for birthdays and whatnot, because I generally do not miss Christmas with the family) with all the TJs at Millers. The evening was fairly quiet and I spent most of it hiding from my brain in front of the tv.

Squashed the urge to sms Bean and wish him & his family. It was hard to do, but I figure it needed to be done. And to top things off, today it is 3 years since our first kiss.

Things in my head are pretty weird right now. I still definitely have pangs of mourning (sometimes whole days, like Sunday) for Bean and the life we had together or rather, the one we were supposed to have. But, I'm slowly realising how to tell the difference. I do still love him, for everything we shared and everything we once were and just because he really is a truly lovely person. But we had reached the end and I feel horribly guilty that I don't miss him the way I think I should. Mostly the pangs of "What have I done to my life?" come from the part of me that was building a life with him. The part that, I guess lives in most of us, the one that drives you to find a partner and share your life with someone. It's hard for me to grasp that that is over and that somewhere down the line, I'll have to start it all over again with someone else.

Yesterday was fairly relaxed. Varen got back from his weekend away with his family and we went to see The Holiday.

In writer/director Nancy Meyers' (Something's Gotta Give, What Women Want) The Holiday, two women on opposite sides of the globe, Amanda Woods (Cameron Diaz) and Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet) find themselves in a similar predicament. Desperate for a change of scenery, the two women meet on the internet and swap houses for the Christmas holiday discovering that a change of address really can change your life.

It was okay and yes, I'm glad I wasn't watching it on my own. Had some funny bits and generally a star-studded cast. Good light schmaltzy entertainment, perfect for this time of year.

So although for some bizarre reason (most likely related to all the feelings mentioned above) I feel these odds pangs of guilt over spending time and having fun and laughing with Varen, life carries on regardless. And I could choose to sit at home moping over a decision I feel is right, although it still makes me sad when things are quiet and I'm left alone with my thoughts. Or I can spend my time with other people who provide some fairly good distractions from my internal upheaval. I'm choosing the latter and although I know it doesn't take away the sadness, it provides me with some laughter to balance it out and assures me that life is not without hope and that things just might get better ;)

So he's asked me to go with him to his farm in the Free State for New Years, and I just might. It will be good to get away to somewhere new and feel like I have had a bit of a break since it is, after all, the holiday season.