Who can believe it's Christmas Eve

All I can say is thank goodness for Prison Break. Today has been emotionally exhausting. Somehow I feel as though I have been run over by a huge steamroller and numb all at the same time. I tried going to the shops for food earlier and felt far too much like a zombie to be part of the public Christmas Spirit, so I've sequestered myself at home with Prison Break. I'm watching it so that my mind doesn't attack me.

I went to fetch most of my stuff from Bean's today. I think I've now completely run out of tears, at least for today. It was more painful than I thought. It left me feeling once again like a terrible person. I did this, I chose it. We had a life together, a home and we were happy. It was supposed to work. It should've worked. Why couldn't I make it work?? It's funny how, when you love someone, you think it's better and it somehow seems easier to hurt yourself and live with it than to hurt them. That is, until you realise you're not saving them from the hurt at all, in fact all you're doing is prolonging it for both of you and you're not saving anyone. I didn't mean to hurt him. I never wanted that. We were supposed to live happily ever after. How does this happen when you least expect it? Perhaps that's it, you become complacent, you take each other for granted, you think you've got to that perfect place that everyone tells you is where you're supposed to be. And then one day you wake up & look around and think "Is this my life? Is this everything that I want and need from my life?". I don't know how you ever answer that question and I'm afraid that maybe you never can ...

Everyone tells me it just takes time and that time is really all that can heal you. I guess that is true, but it fucking hurts in the meantime.

I loved him so much and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him and we would be happy forever. I was wrong. I guess we could've gone along with that, lived the formula life. And mostly we would've been fine. Mostly. But I know, from the last few months that there would've been those long days where I wondered if there wasn't supposed to be more. Where I wondered if this really was all I wanted or could fairly expect from life. And for some people that is enough, and that's fine. But what about me? How does one find these answers? Trial and error, I guess. And that's how I got here today.

Wow, I thought it would take longer to put it into words. I guess the words and thoughts are quite simple, but they don't make me feel better. I still feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough or try the right thing. But that's exhausting too, to keep trying and trying while someone else thinks everything is perfect. This person you're supposed to be able to tell everything to and yet you can't share this pain with them. Because, well, that would hurt them. So suffer in silence till you can't any more. And then hurt them and yourself and hope you both have the strength and enough faith in the human spirit and survival to recover and continue with your lives, separately. God, I hope he still believes in love and happily ever after. I hope I do.

Blegh. Quick before I start crying again, a brief catch up on the less painful part of my weekend so far ... Had a good dinner at Varen's house on Friday night and we watched some dvds, Cars & Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Cars was okay, it's animated so one doesn't expect too much from the storyline and in the latest fashion of kiddies movies was pleasant enough for us adults. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang I'd seen before but wanted to watch again, which should be enough to tell you I think it is a fantastic movie. Right up there with Lucky Number Slevin which was recently showing on big screen. Both brilliant and if you haven't seen them, go home and rent them this minute.

A thesp-turned-crook gets a chance at career in movies as well as crime scene investigation in this offbeat action comedy with nods to Raymond Chandler. Harry Lockhart (Robert Downey Jr.) is a struggling New York actor who high-tails it to Los Angeles. Once there, Lockhart winds up at the posh home of the aptly-named homosexual private eye Gay Perry ({Val Kilmer}) amid a lavish Hollywood party, hoping to score a life-changing role in a Hollywood feature. Harry becomes reacquainted with Harmony (Michelle Monaghan), a girl he had a major crush on in his small-town Indiana high school, who may be a bit more interested in him now than she was years ago. He takes both her and her girlfriend home with him, but - in a moment of drunken stupor - accidentally sleeps with the wrong woman. Meanwhile, when a series of female bodies turns up across L.A., Harry slowly breaks into detective work, mentored by Perry. The biggest twist? Black riffs Adaptation and other films by having Harry (via satirical narration) write the movie while he is living it. Harry assures the audience that unlike Lord of the Rings, this one won't have seventeen endings.

A case of mistaken identity lands Slevin (Josh Hartnett) into the middle of a war being plotted by two of New York City's rival crime bosses: The Rabbi (Ben Kingsley) and The Boss (Morgan Freeman). Slevin is under constant surveillance by relentless Detective Brikowski (Stanley Tucci) as well as the infamous assassin Goodkat (Bruce Willis) and finds himself having to hatch his own ingenious plot to get them...before they get him.

Saturday was quiet, I decided not to do the move but to rather buy stuff in preparation (like a dive box). But in the evening I braved Monte Casino, where I think everyone that is still in Jhb was last night, to watch Eragon.

You are stronger than you realize. Wiser than you know. What was once your life is now your legend.
Based on the Christopher Paolini-penned bestselling fantasy novel about a youth whose discovery of a dragon egg leads him to become a knight and battle an evil king. The medieval-set tale revolves around a farm boy who learns he is the last of a breed of benevolent Dragon Riders, whose magical powers derived from their bond with the beasts.

It was okay but I was expecting more from a Dragon movie. The fight scenes weren't that impressive and if they wanted to cast Heath Ledger, they should've ... not some young look-alike who was probably cheaper. But, on the plus side, the baby dragon was really cute :)

And that about sums up the Christmas weekend so far. I was going to watch The Holiday this evening, but JC warned me off it in my emotional state. So I guess I'll stick to Prison Break and my book. I hope you all have a fantastic day tomorrow :)