How Did I Get Here?

I'm a pretty normal girl ... I would love to think I all that, but I'm probably not. I'm (clearly) slightly more opinionated than some and have an annoying tendency to say what I think without considering the possibility that I might offend. Well, that's what I've been told.

I'm 27 and have now notched up five major relationships which have each lasted over a year.

First was HighSchoolLove. He's now happily married with a lovely son. I still keep in touch with him on birthdays. That love has turned into an amazing sense of caring that he's happy with the life he has now. Admittedly we didn't speak for a number of years after the break-up (a week after Valentines day!), but we eventually got back in contact and after a brief evening fling at the Grahamstown Festival one year, we have forged this close aquaintance sort of friendship. It's nice.

Second was the Queen of Melodrama (and he'll probably love that nickname ;) ). This was a bad idea all round, everyone will agree. But we had fun for a while ... I think? After we broke up we also didn't speak for years on end and then bizarrely we met up again at a party and spent the entire evening chatting away. It's nice to remember that there were good reason's you'd dated someone in the first place. We also hooked up briefly on a roadtrip we ended up doing with a bunch of friends. But things turned sour rather quickly thereafter. I still see him sometimes and exchange the occasional email. No hard feelings, but we're not rushing to invite the other over for a fondue or anything.

Third came ActorWriterDirector. Now this was a funny one! He was super religious and I was still confused about where my own religious beliefs lay ... nowadays not so much, but he'd be horrified at what I'd have to say on that matter. It started as an exclusive friendship that just naturally progressed into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with a "Hey, why not? we spend all our time together anyway". And it was a comfortable place to be, I guess. These days I look back and wonder what exactly I was thinking? I gather he's also happily married these days and heading up any number of religious groups :P

Fourth along the way was The Lying Pilot. Now this boy I really thought I loved, I thought I'd marry. I was wrong, but it hurt like hell to find that out. I haven't been this messed up since he ended our relationshoip with a rather curt "I don't love you", after we'd been living together for 3 months. I think he's now married to the rich "daddy's girl" he moved in 3 weeks after we broke up. I don't bother to think about how long it was going on before that ... Either way, I hope he's happy and after three months to wash my system of him, I desperately wanted the chance to thank him and wish her the best of luck. And they'll be fine, she blindly believes everything he says because she loves him ... which is what he was looking for, along with daddy's dollars, of course ;)

And then there was Bean. Bean was by far my longest and most serious. And I'm still not entirely sure why it didn't work. Was I looking for a reason because I was just too afraid of how long the rest of my life could be ... am I afraid of a life-long commitment? Or was there really something fundamentally wrong between us, were we just not enough of what the other was looking for? How do you ever know? How do people end up loving people, anyway?

And now there is my relationship with Varen. He's taking strain this morning, not surprisingly really. I didn't speak to him when I got home from Bean's last night and he read about it all this morning right here. After a lengthy discussion, he's decided to stick around for now ... I'm not entirely sure why. But we did have some really good days. I can't promise him anything and I am certainly not thinking further than a week in advance right now. But I am glad he's decided to stay, I don't know if I think it's the right thing to do either, but it's what I want right now.

I want his warmth, his faith in me, his laughter, his company, his conversation and most of all a hug. I really am broken. Bean and I may be fine together in a few years (it seems to be the trend) and who knows, maybe we'll even give it a second try ... I guess it depends how life turns out. But for now, Bean and I are over. I ache inside after having seen him and re-opened most of the break-up wounds that seemed to have healed. It appears I'm more fragile than I realised. Maybe Varen & I will be fine, I think we're pretty good for each other right now ... he is a very different sort of influence in my life and I know I've changed the way he sees things too. I don't know if it's something more than that. I don't know anything today. And I probably won't for a while.

Maybe it seems selfish of me to continue seeing Varen. But he get's to choose his path too.