Are You Happy?

So I wrote this whole post ... and then it disappeared. This does not bode well for the day :( I will try it once more ...

I had a nice relaxed and balanced evening last night with a little bit of everything. Managed to get to yoga :) Had dinner at home with Loulou. Had a good read of my latest book in the bath, with bubbles even. Watched an episode of Prison Break 2 and then one of Dexter. I'm dying to finish them both, but I am further thru Prison Break (having started it first) and am absolutely loving Dexter ... so I can't pick. Therefore I've decided to split my Series Viewing Time equally between them, fair is fair ;)

And I was thinking last night ... which brings me to another total aside, why do I form the best blog posts up in my head at the most un-postable times, like in the shower or as I'm falling asleep? It's times like these I wish I had a dicta-phone in my head!

So, I was thinking about this whole "life" thing again. I'm hoping I'm just getting marginally depressed because I've been skipping my Omega's. Anyway, the "life" thing. I'm wondering if I'm not completely screwed up ... forever, with no hope of recovery and a nice settled life with someone I love who loves me. Our parents and grandparents (well mine, anyway) seemed to get married so young, I guess to the first person they thought they could marry, and they stuck it out (for the most part). These days I think we have a lower attention span and less patience (thanks to all sorts of mod-cons) and it's affecting our relationships.

But I'm not sure who's got the right idea. Should I have married Bean when I first realised I wanted to, would it have resolved our problems or given me more strength to push thru them ... or would I have ended up miserable, wandering thru life as a mere shell, accepting what I had and not believing more existed.

My grandparents have been married over 50 years and I wish I could've met them when they were young. When they'd first met and (I assume) fallen in love. When they were first married. These days they don't seem to like each other that much, they've just accepted each other and the other's un-ending presence in their lives. When did that happen to them?

And today it's all about to change as Gummy moves into an Old Age home. Marga will be really alone for the first time in forever. They've been together almost double the time they were alone. And as much as I'm sure she's almost looking forward to the break from him (the last year or so has been fairly exhausting for her as his memory goes, but more so by her own stubbornness), I'm sure she will be floundering in figuring out what life is like on your own.

So how is this affecting my outlook on life ... well, I'm wondering where one goes from here. I wasn't happy enough with the 2 and a half year relationship I had, so I left it. When does one get to the point of accepting that this is your life and you chose it. Will it magically happen to me if I end up in a close-to-marriage situation again, or will I just grab hold with two hands for fear of growing old alone and just accept the way life turns out.

It's a strange thing to think that the average person does settle down and get married, but there are no statistics to show if they are happy. Well, I'm sure everyone is for a while. But when does that change and what does it take to accept that? And is it better to love or be loved. How does one find that middle ground? I've tried both in the last 12 months and I am no closer to an answer, it's just left me still searching for the possibility of both :)

Anyway, enough of my crazy life questions for today ...