Report Back: Day Three

So, the course has been going fairly well. The first 2 days were definitely not as good for me as I remember the first week being, maybe it was the topics. Today has been a difficult day, we spent it on tough conversations. I had loads of questions and even more to learn! Although I must admit I have good intentions when it comes to all this good stuff, it all seems a little too daunting ... and I haven't even begun to apply what I've learnt. It was a mentally exhausting day.

But, that may also be because I was up at 1am this morning watching the snow ;) Yes you read right, there was snow in Joburg last night and it was lovely ... but freezing! I sat bundled in a blanket with my balcony curtains opened watching it fly thru the sky. Then came the hail .. .which was the only easy picture I managed to take - since it was landing right on my little balcony. I wish that my camera could take photographs of things the way I see them, but due to the lateness (earliness) of the hour, it was a little dark for pics of falling snow. None the less it was beautiful to watch :)

On the mood-lifting side, I received a delivery of red roses today at lunch time from Varen - isn't he lovely, aren't you all jealous :) ? It certainly gave me the encouragement I needed to get thru the afternoon on an otherwise rough day.

This evening we were supposed to have a Cocktail Party with all of our managers. Unfortunately mine couldn't make it - production issues. So it lost some of the excitement I was expecting (seeing a recognisable face!) which is why I find myself here catching up on my blog while I wait for Varen to fetch me for dinner. Yay, he's breaking me out for the night :)

Report Back: Day One

Okay, day one is finally over. I tell you I feel like I've been on this course for a week already ... and yes, I know I technically have already completed the first week, it was quite a while back and at the close of day one, I certainly shouldn't be feeling like I've already been here for a week!

Last night was fairly uneventful. I was annoyed to discover that after rushing here to check-in etc. there was really nothing else to do all evening. Unfortunately Varen had already headed town-wards (I'm in the Sandton surrounds) and was therefore unavailable to rescue me from boredom. Aside from dinner with the old faces, I put my time to good use and finished watching Lost 3 and almost finished Heroes too - 11 minutes to go! After dinner I promptly let him know that if he was out and about and maybe already missing me, a visit would not go amiss. He kindly obliged after his dinner in Melville and came to collect me. We headed out for some coffee (, hot chocolate and tea) with Zej (no longer, Ze-Jeff) & Hammi.

Was fab to meet them properly, in an environment where chatting is encouraged and none of us were sweating :) After dinner Varen relented by swinging back past my house so I could collect the multitude of things I'd forgotten - you'll notice I have no managed to upload some pics. Yes, that giant glass box you see behind my bed is in fact my completely amazing shower!

The course today was good. It's hard tho. Hard to concentrate for that long, hard to interact with these strange (although technically no longer strangers, everyone is so different and handles situations so differently) people all day. The day started nicely with an Airline Simulation - completely unrelated to our day jobs!

Other than that there is not a helluva lot to report back at this point. I managed to squeeze in those last few minutes of Heroes earlier and am moving on to the last half of Grey's 3 after this is posted :) Yay for me and my swanky hard drive!

A Lovely Relaxed Weekend

So I'm back at the Leadership Course / Cult for the week. I have checked in and now really have nothing to do till dinner at 6:30pm. I have however, had a wonderful weekend and have lots to tell :)

Friday turned out not completely terribly, I spent the entire afternoon on a project lunch ... in Troyeville. Where, I hear you cry. Well yes, that was my first question too. Turns out in a dodgy little area of Joburg just next to the CDB. Lunch was at the Troyeville Hotel.

Not a very impressive establishment and the food was decidedly average. I certainly won't be swinging by for a second time, if I can help it. On the plus side, everyone's cars where right where we left them when lunch was done :)

Friday evening I spent a fair amount of time doing emergency work standby for a critical issue - even tho it wasn't my shift, TheBrad was off playing Action Cricket and didn't hear his phone it turned out. After that Varen & I headed off to Phlippy's birthday bash at Moyo, Zoo Lake. Was lovely but having arrived so late, we didn't stay long ... a couple of drinks, a henna tattoo and some divine peanut soup later, we headed back to Varen's place for the night.

Saturday we went for our traditional breakfast at Doppio Zero, it has been a while! And then we headed Pretoria-wards for the surprise night away. We first headed to Irene to see if the Country Market was on this weekend - it wasn't :( So Varen made us stop at the Dairy. Which was fabulous! They have an amazing deli/market there and a restaurant I would love to try another time. And then there are the baby cows you can visit. We found a super friendly one that kept trying to lick me with it's gigantic tongue as I scratched the top of it's head. It really was more like a cat as it stretched it's neck up so we could scratch it under there instead. Wish I'd remembered to keep my camera with me!

And then it was off to Kievits Kroon to check in. I wasn't terribly impressed with the place as a whole (just the decor, architecture etc. was pretty average I think), but there were some truly amazing bits that definitely made it worth the visit!

We got to enjoy the general Spa amenities and made use of the sauna (my first time), swiss shower (18 shower heads) and jacuzzi for a relaxing 2 hours. That was lovely. Then came dinner which I cannot praise enough! We opted for their fine dining option, instead of the buffet since I'll be having that here all week!

I started with their Duo of Prawns and Varen had snails. Both were brilliant. But nothing can explain exactly how impressed I was by my main course: I had Beef Fillet gratinated with fine Brie cheese and peppered Strawberry salsa. It was amazing. I think Varen liked his Lamb Chops too ... Desert was Strawberry and Amarula Creme Brule.

Those two things made the whole stay completely perfect and it was lovely to spend some quality time with Varen before I'm stuck here for a week all by my lonesome - well, other than my course-mates, but you know what I mean. We are officially dating again and it's fabulous :)

Then this morning after a buffet breakfast (and a not too shabby omelette), we tried heading to the Pretoria Zoo for a few hours - I love visiting it! Unfortunately the queue was almost out the parking lot and because we had limited time before we needed to head back and I needed to check in here, we gave up quickly and rather headed to the Botanical Gardens for a laze in the sun. We weren't there long cause Varen's head ache came back - I think from the fancy cigar he savoured the night before. And then we headed back to my place for a quick lunch, a little more lazing in the sun and some packing.

And that about brings you up to speed. My room is a fabulous improvement on last time ... My shower is all glass at the head of my bed - I did take pics, but seem to have left my camera cable along with my phone charger at home, damn! Anyway, this time I have a view of the outdoor heated pool :)

Work vs. Life

I'm not in a great mood right now ... why is it that when my personal life was in tatters, work was going so well. These last few days, as my personal life is providing a beam of sunshine in my day, work turns to crap. At the moment I have no interest in dealing with any of these people what so ever and continually feel completely out of the loop and like I'm the only person who communicates with everyone else and tries to make sure everyone knows what's going on. Anyway. Who cares. Thank goodness I just have to get thru today, which will be shorter than usual thanks to a Project Completion Lunch later, and then I'm away from them all for a week. I cannot explain how I am looking forward to that. Is that terrible?

Anyway, otherwise last night was lovely. Saw Varen for a bit ... we were supposed to go to Yoga, but skipped it. And then Loulou & I headed to Book Club. Was fabulous to see all the girls again :)

This weekend should be good, going to Phlippy's birthday bash this evening and then I'm being whisked away for Saturday night by Varen - since I won't see him for the duration of my course next week.

And then I'm away from Sunday afternoon till Friday evening ... I promise that I'll try posting, but it'll probably be erratic at best.

Yoga: The Social Event

Well, I'm certainly not in the right place to be posting now ... I have just come out of a meeting I've been in since 8:30am ! That's right, count it, 4 hours. No meeting should last that long. Tempers flair and people end up exhausted after discussing things in circles for such a lengthy time. Next time remind me to decline!

Anyway, the rest of the news is all good :) Varen joined me at Yoga yesterday evening, and the silly boy turned out to better than me ... even tho I've been doing it for friggin months now. Anyway, I already knew I wasn't all that bendy (which is why Yoga takes more will-power than you might realise for me to actually even attend in the first place! Nothing like paying someone to make you feel like a moron, but I digress) ... but still, you know, it's annoying.

I got to actually meet Hammi and her man (currently Ze-Jeff as per Life and Times, but he'd like a more imaginative upgrade ... unfortunately I cannot do this after one sweaty meeting, so consider it pending). It was weird and a little awkward ... since we were all standing around in spandex - not the sort of first impression one would usually choose to make, but sometimes it can't be helped ;)

After Yoga Varen & I headed off to dinner at Batuke in Parkhurst. The restaurant has a lovely vibe and the food was good. I had a brilliant squid head starter ... as well as more than a few spoonfuls of Varen's crab & prawn soup :) Mains were prawn curry for me (with real live coconut in a really good sauce) and salmon for him. I think I'd go back, if the mood took me ... but I'd be happier if, as a Portuguese restaurant, they had Chicken Trinchado. This is one of my fav items but I've found very few places that can do one I really like (Cappello's in Hyde Park and Xai-Xai in Melville spring to mind, but I'm always up for suggestions!)

Anyway, it was a nice and relaxed evening after a pretty educational day in terms of dealing with each other ... and things are still good :) He had a bad work day and wasn't in a fabulous mood and then I got unreasonably upset (such a girl). And although I'd have thought after all we've been through we'd manage to navigate these things a little better, I was wrong. But at the end of the day we were both smiling again and had learnt a little more about how to handle each other when things are not all bright and shiny.

I think he's a little surprised we survived these minor bumps because he's still waiting for this to break, again ... but every day we seem to realise a little more that it is different this time, and maybe we do stand a chance. We certainly enjoy spending time together and being around each other enough :)

So now I have to go and catch up on the first half of my work day ... oh and let's not forget it's time for lunch already ;)

I am the Sneakiness that Flaps in the Night

Pahahahahahahaha. So I took a moment out of my day and tracked down the insta-group on facebook - well some of them anyway. Which may not sound like any sort of laudable achievement except that I only had first names to go on ... and only knew for sure that Hammi was on.

Anyway, the point of the story is ... I found them :) And now Varen is lamenting the fact that he can't introduce me to his new friends in the normal old-school way. I politely explained that finding someone on facebook was a far cry from meeting them and he had nothing to worry about.

I'm manged to put off meeting them for a week, I'm off on Week 2 of that Leadership Training Course from Sunday till next Friday. I must be honest and say I'm nervous about it ... especially with them now knowing about me from him and my blog (!), I feel like there's all this expectation and I'm not a huge fan of situations I can't control. I mean it's all very well having people talking about you, but usually you're blissfully unaware of it ... not so much in this case.

Rumour has it that I'll meet Hammi for real at Yoga tonight, she's teaching again and has made it her mission ;) And I must say I'm too curious to skip it.

So, to meeting expectations ;) Cheers.

Lost & Gone

Last night was almost fabulous ... I finished my book (just in time for book club tomorrow eve) and I *nearly* finished Lost 3. Unfortunately an implementation for work went slightly awry and took about an hour longer than expected to resolve ... which is why I couldn't finish Lost :(

So, the book ... Jonathan Kellerman's Gone.

Los Angeles is full of actors. For psychologist Alex Delaware, finding out what's real and what's not is about to become a matter of life and horrific death ...Called in to evaluate an aspiring actress accused - along with her boyfriend - of staging her own abduction, Alex is indifferent when the case seems to go nowhere. But then the girl is savagely murdered, and suddenly a straightforward script takes a decidedly unexpected turn. Dylan Meserve, the victim's boyfriend, has also disappeared ...Is Dylan a deranged killer, or another victim? Alex and detective Milo Sturges begin auditioning suspects and trawling the depths of LA's seedy underbelly. Then more dead wannabes start turning up ...

Now Kellerman's Alex Delaware novels were a definite staple of my teen-reading but I must say he is losing his touch. Although he still twists like a master, this was not as fabulous as I remember thinking his earlier works were ... but then again, perhaps I need to give them another read, maybe I'm just showing my age ;)



And then there's the traffic of late ... blegh. It seems to me lately that I continually get stuck behind the 3 taxi's that don't want to even go as fast as the speed limit. I think I worked it out yesterday as I zoomed past the dude at a leisurely 60km/h ... he was reading his newspaper. Sigh.

Work Blegh

Had a nice relaxed evening of Yoga, Woolies Tomato Soup and Lost 3 :) Things are still good ... except I'm a touch bored at work.

I hate this bit where you've done everything you can for about 3 (okay, exactly 3) of your projects and cannot move forward until other people get their asses in gear ... damn I'm not a fan of adult baby-sitting. If I ask you to do something or you need to do something for a project, get it done. Or at very least if your priorities are such that you don't have the time for it, let us know, please. That way we can at least pass the job on to someone who can.

Oh and another thing that is annoying me again ... communication. It doesn't help if the Leader of The Boys Club discusses architectural changes with TheBrad for a project I'm working on. And now I find out, after waiting a week to get this specific information out of the Tiny Greek, that neither he nor I have been told that they want to change the way our two systems are connecting. Aaaargh. Communication does truly suck in this place.

In other very exciting news, a very good friend of mine ordered a ring yesterday :) Yes, that sort of ring. I am so excited for him and the ring is going to be amazing (I've seen pictures)!

It's Still All Good

Wow, what a weekend.

I ended up having dinner with Varen on Friday night. He was supposed to go to the farm with his dad, but it got canceled last minute. He was coming round to finally drop off my hard drive that essentially got us back together a week before - I'd sent it back with him to be filled up with all sorts of tv show goodies :) I introduced him to the wonder of Il Capo's pizza.

Then I'd made plans to meet up with a bunch of the boys from school at The Hat. Eventually, at around 11pm I joined up with The Queen of Melodrama, Evil Bob, Lufthansa Boy and BigRay for a night of complete hysteria. It was fabulous, we had such a blast together. I can't even remember the last time I saw all these boys, but suffice to say they haven't changed a bit since high school ;) The Queen of Melodrama started us off on 2 double Vodka's & Red Bull. After that I switched to water - which I was very grateful for on my drive home and the next morning ;) Although we did have a Jagerbomb at every visit to the bar ;)

Ended up getting home safely at 4am. It was a fabulous night made so much better by the fact that when we arrived they were playing music from our schools days which we duly went wild to and singing (screaming?) along. Good times :)

Saturday involved JofH & I visiting ex-DJMike to further fill our hard drives :) It was a good weekend TV Series-wise. Not that I got to watch much, but now I have a collection to keep me going for quite a while!

And then I went boy-shopping with Varen in the afternoon. He needed to buy some clothes and I tagged along and got to pick out most of it ;) And then we went back to hang out and watch some House - one of the few series he didn't finish in our 3 week break ... yes, it's a sore point!

Sunday I went home to make a start on all the Series I have to get watched and managed 2 episodes of Lost 3 while Varen went off for Father's Day lunch with his family.

In the evening we went to see Oceans 13.

Revenge is a funny thing.
Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and the gang would have only one reason to pull off their most ambitious and risky casino heist-to defend one of their own. When ruthless casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino) double-crosses one of the original Ocean's eleven, Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould), Danny and the gang team up one more time to see if they can break "the Bank."

I liked it. It's not as good as the first one, but definitely better than the second :)

So that's right readers, I have seen Varen ever day between Wednesday and Sunday and I'm still fine :) Which is a huge improvement on last time we tried dating. This is working far better than before and I'm so surprisingly relaxed this time ... and it shows. It's all good :)

Official Date

Okay, so this might be a little tricky to type, so I apologise in advance for any missing c's. My cellphone fell onto my laptop in my bleary-eyed standby state last night (early this morning) and the C-key is now no longer actually part of my keyboard ... I sure hope they have people who can fix these things cause it is very annoying, at the moment it's sort of floating where it's supposed to be.

Anyway, last night ... last night Varen and I had an official date night. He took me to dinner at Melograno. Quite a nice place, the interior didn't feel that different to Allora. The food was nice but not earth-shatteringly good. He had Steak & Lobster and I had a very nice stuffed & rolled chicken breast. And after we went to Mozarts in Cresta for some of their delish ice-cream (sorbet for me).

Things are certainly interesting with us. By interesting, I mean good. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and this is all so bizarre for me since it's only about 2 weeks since I was telling all my friends I never wanted to speak to him again after the way he handled our disentanglement.

But now, things are different. He actually asked me to be his girlfriend last night. And I wanted to say yes. Luckily tho, the other bit of my brain kicked in and reminded me that we'd only been speaking again for a mere week. It feels like longer. It's incredible how different things actually are.

I already like him more than I ever let myself last time. And I've come to realise a lot of what was holding us (me) back then. I was angry at him for not being Bean. Okay, so I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth. I was angry with Bean for not being the person I wanted or needed anymore but, he wasn't around. Varen was, and he wasn't Bean. Yes, I understand the unfairness of all that ... but it's different now. It's like we're two different people starting a brand new different relationship. And I realise how mad it is to say that after only a week, but that's how it is when a normal relationship starts ... it's all very swirly and like a whirlwind in the beginning. We have some history, but I think things could be different this time. I'm almost letting myself feel positive.

That's not to say I'm ready to dive in head-first ... but I'm certainly closer than I ever was last time. I'm still scared. I'm scared of taking the chance, of spending another few years in a relationship that doesn't end up working out for the big forever. But I guess, that's the chance you take when you live your life. And this way there's still a chance it might work ... whereas if I don't even attempt something, there's no doubt I'll still find myself alone. If you don't buy a ticket, you can never win ;)

So that's where things are. Things are good. I'm feeling emotionally lighter than I have in a while. I still have pangs of "Uh-oh!" and minor freak-outs about what's going on, but things are moving slowly enough and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again soon :)

Oh, and I'm not worried about the future too much right now ... I have realised that I obviously won't feel for Varen now (upfront) what I felt for Bean in the end. That was a process too. Unfortunately I can't remember how those feelings started out, but for now I'm good :)

So that is the news ... pretty exciting stuff, no?

If You Can Imagine

My day just got better :) My stitch came out, my stitch came out, my stitch came out !! Yippee, I'm jumping around my desk :)

It has been bothering me ... I certainly didn't think a dissolving stitch would take 13 days to extricate itself, but it did ... and finally it has gone and has stopped bothering my tongue :) I have officially survived my final Wisdom Tooth Removal. It is a good day.

There Are Spies Among Us

So I thought this post on last night would've ended up (if it's even possible) shorter than yesterday's, since I wasn't planning a particularly eventful evening. I was wrong.

So I went to Yoga like I planned.

And here let me digress and fill you in on the background required: During the course of the gradual breakdown of my relationship with Varen (ie. prior to last Thursday), he installed insta-group: He found himself this bright and shiny new group of friends ... who I've generally believed to be imaginary. This was all around the time I was starting with Bikram Yoga. Apparently one of these new friends of his taught at the same spot. Impossible I said. Turns out not so much, but she generally taught the morning classes and I only saw her on the few times she attended the same classes as me. I knew who she was. She had no idea who I was. At that stage I don't think he'd burdened the insta-group with our chaos. And now we're back to me going to Yoga last night.

On my arrival my usual instructor said "Hello Phillygirl". I was pretty sure at that point Varen's friend Hammi was adding two and two and getting five. She now knew exactly who I was ... or at very least had serious suspicions. I smsed him and asked if she knew I did Yoga there.

After class I got his sms saying she didn't. I was sure she'd figured it out somehow tho. I was right. A little while later she joined him (out and about somewhere in Linden with more of their group) and told him she'd met me.

Now, here's the bit of the story I like, turns out she rivals me in sneakiness ... which I can respect :) After the news that we were attempting things again, apparently a few of these girls decided they had to find out more about me so they trawled his blog looking for a link or clue to mine ... since we both removed the obvious side-bar links when we stopped speaking.

And they found one, which means they read my blog too. I'm not sure how far back they went ... that could make things interesting, but they knew enough to figure out that I was, in all likely hood, going to Yoga last night and based on what I said, their guess was that I'd be there in Hammi's class. They were right.

And so it begins ... I'm not really sure what, but it sure makes life interesting :) So, to Hammi, I tip my hat ... your sneakiness impressed me and shows a use of resources I would only expect of myself ;)

The rest of the night was also lovely. I enjoyed left over Il Capo's pizza for dinner (lunch from the day before), which was just as fabulous as when I ordered it :) And then I settled in to watch Little Miss Sunshine.

I liked this movie, it was sweet enough and had a fabulously unexpected twist at the end ;)

As did my evening. Varen popped in on his way home while I was watching. It was really nice to see him :) Things are certainly interesting. Things feel better, improved. I know it sounds crazy enough to say, but I think we've both changed in the time we spent apart. His is more obvious, he's more settled and sure of his life and what he wants from it and isn't hinging it all on my presence ... so there is less pressure on me. Me, it's far more subtle ... I think there are a lot of things swirling around emotionally, definitely some residue of Bean even, and some things are starting to settle and other things are still swirling. Okay, so I realise that wasn't very clear, but I think I've become more open to things lately, more available ... whereas before I was still trying to figure myself out without any interference. Things are pretty good right now :) I am smiling.

That's Why It's a Deadly Sin

Envy is a dreadful thing and I'm struggling with it a lot lately … with everyone. Everyone seems to have a far clearer idea of what they want from life and are therefore far more able to actually get it, you know.

I'm frustrated with where I find myself these days. I want to be somewhere but I'm struggling to find my mode of transport. I feel like once I had a car, which ran out of petrol and now I am wandering alone and aimlessly along a deserted dusty road.

Everyone else seems to have won a free Hummer and is taking the direct route on a newly tarred highway.

Ever feel like that?

I know, logically, it's not true. My perceptions of the lives going on around me are no doubt far different than those individual's perceptions of their own lives. And I also know that there are some people who are struggling along on their own path, which I'm just as grateful not to find myself on. But mine, right now, just seems to be awfully off course from the map I started out with ...

Okay, perhaps I got a a little carried away there with the analogy, but it serves it's purpose well.

That's All She Wrote

Last night I finally made it to Yoga and it was fabulous - like when I first started going. I felt great when I left :) I'll definitely be back tonight!

And then I rushed home to get cleaned up and headed off to Luca's for dinner with ex-DJ Mike. Dinner was fab, I had my usual House Salad which I'd been craving and he had what looked like a very delish pasta) and the conversation was entertaining - well for me at least, he seems to have landed himself in quite a spot with a psycho ex-girlfriend.

Wow and that seems to be about all I have to say today ... The night didn't feel that quiet, but I guess when you sum it up into a few sentences, that's what you get ;)

I Could Be a Culinary Genius

So last night didn't turn out quite how I expected ... the Traffic Gods did not deign fit that I should get to Yoga :( So I attempted to do a little exercise on my lounge floor - lucky thing I actually own the Yoga mat so there were no carpet burns!

Then I made myself some Woolies calamari - it was divine! I guess it's a bit of a sad thing that I sound so excited by this, but it really was surprising ... I don't expect home made calamari to be anything like the stuff you can get in a restaurant and this wasn't far off :) Perhaps it's just my sheer culinary talents - nah, I know it's not that!

Anyway, then Loulou and I watched the Season finale of ER. OMG, that was sooo hectic ... and lead to me having a dreadful dream where I had a miscarriage. And then we watched the latest episode of Lost that we'd taped yesterday. I was supremely reminded why I don't like watching tv series actually on TV. For one, the ad breaks ... which at least we could fast forward thru, but seriously there are loads of them! And two, after that I just wanted to watch the next episode and see what happened. Which, of course, I couldn't. So that was annoying - damn I hope Varen hurries up and copies that hard drive full of stuff for me ;)

Oh, and this weekend I finished reading Katy Gardner's Hidden.

A trail of blood winding through a squalid flat in Margate leads DCI Dave Gosworth to the body of Jacqui Jennings, her skull smashed with a chisel. For Dave it is just the start of a long and puzzling case...Forty miles away in South London, a young single mother named Melanie Stenning is blissfully unaware of Jacqui's life and death. But that trail of blood will one day lead straight to her door - with terrifying repercussions. For Melanie is about to fall in love with a stranger...Fourteen months later, Melanie has a new husband, and new baby and a new home on the isolated Kent coast. But when her seven-year-old daughter Poppy disappears, she is forced to question everything in her new life, including the man she loves. Because DCI Dave Gosworth has come knocking - with some chilling questions...

It was a pretty good read ... not a straight line story, I guess. It jumped around telling you how you got to this point once you were already there. The ending had a bit of a twist but nothing I didn't see coming after a certain point. Sometimes there's comfort in knowing when the author removes the character's primary suspect, the real person who dunnit has got to be a character you're already familiar with and not some random new person out of the blue - well, I guess that would be far more of a twist, but a far less enjoyable story.

Shoo, It's Been Busy

So it was a good weekend :) Aside from all the mental aerobics I've been doing trying to figure out exactly what the hell is going on with Varen & I now.

Friday started out with Loulou and I getting all dolled up and then heading to Global Wrapp in Rivonia for a quick bite of dinner - and a fruit smoothie daiquiri. I still maintain that Global Wrapp is one of the best things about living in Jhb! And then it was off to Newscafe and my first ever visit to The Hat for Lord Wiggly's birthday celebrations.

Was a pretty fab evening. Bumped into The Queen of Melodrama and it was nice to catch up :) I must say it has been a while since I last ventured to a club venue, having been in a relationship for the vast majority of my time up here, and my first visit back reminded me of all the things I love and hate about it. It was fabulous to be able to get out there on the dancefloor and go wild but I don't like all the people pushing and shoving and getting bumped up by all the sweaty bodies. Plus it's not really the best environment for a good chat ... but I guess that's not really why you're there ;) The evening also took it's toll on my feet and Loulou and I stumbled out of there, barely able to stand any longer at an early 12:30am.

Had to be up early on Saturday to head to the post-office - I had a kalahari delivery to collect ;) And then it was off in search of the ideal gift for Lady (it was her bday on Friday). Eventually after hours of wandering in and out of the same couple of shops at Rosebank (and a brief bump into JofH & YogaCherryl), I settled on a crazy top from Big Blue that screamed Lady :)

Then I dashed off for some much needed sushi - it was the first time since my wisdom tooth removal I felt confident enough that I'd be able to open my mouth sufficiently to fit a whole California Roll into my mouth! And then I spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing (sleeping, actually). Woke up later and dashed off to Mythos for Lady's birthday dinner.

It's one of their fav restaurants, I think it's got a nice vibe but like most Greek restaurants ... only the meze is any good (much how I feel about Plaka in Illovo, the only other Greek restaurant I've ever frequented because Bean's folks loved it).

Then came Sunday. I planned a nice relaxing day ... only getting out of bed at about midday and then Loulou suggested sushi. I was surprisingly up for it a second day in a row - must be because it's been so long since I last had it ;) So off we went. Then I did some shopping and headed home to clean the fish tank before I fully intended going to the 4pm Yoga class. Uh-huh. Varen called and threw a spanner in the works. Although I ended up skipping Yoga cause the fish tank took too long to clean so I decided to take him up on his offer to enjoy sundowners at Moyo, Zoo Lake.

Although sundowners was actually hot-chocolate and filter coffee - it's freezing in Joburg these days! The afternoon and evening together were really nice. Which just leads to more complication. He seems very calm (and zen-like to use his term) about these recent developments and being back in each other's lives. Me, I'm a lot more muddled. It's hard because I feel like we need to make a concrete decision here. Either to stick with our space and go back to how things were a week ago or to try this again. I don't know which makes more sense. He seems happy to just go with the flow. My friends (and me, I guess) are all making me feel like I'm supposed to be the responsible one, the one who has to make the right decision before one of us gets hurt again (which obviously I don't want to happen, unless it's absolutely necessary). Why is the pressure not on him to be responsible and make the right decision?

Anyway, it's hard and I fluctuate wildly. When he's not around, it seems easy to decide that I should end it. I mean look where it got us last time. I'm still a mess, I'm improved, but I have a long way to go. And then, as soon as he is around, my resolve disappears and we have a lovely time and I wonder why I would consider giving this up? I am no closer to a decision after the weekend. If anything, I'm more confused. On paper we seem to work and we do have a lovely time when we're together - I realised how much we laugh together and tease each other about silly things no one else understands, it's crazy. But I still don't know if I'm ready to embark on a relationship yet ... as I said, I'm still a huge mess emotionally right now.

So there you have it. No closer to any sort of truth ... just more ingredients in the mix ;)

Oops, I Forgot

Okay, there are a couple of other things I meant to mention in my post ... but I got sidetracked by the more obvious emotional type stuff.

Firstly, my jaw is so much better than it was on Wednesday. Yesterday I almost went entirely without painkillers - and I only eventually took before the movie because I knew I'd be munching on popcorn. It made sense at the time, okay. Plus it seems to be worse in the evenings, I'm guessing that a full day of movement from my talking does rather put strain on the healing process ;) Either way things are much improved ... even tho that damn stitch still has not dissolved.

Secondly, my gawd was it cold this morning! There was ice, yes ice, on my back windscreen. This is extreme. I've heard about Joburg frost but have rarely experienced much of it ... and this was at 8am not some more likely hour like 5am or something. And driving past the river near our house the fields looked white! Brrr, it sure is getting chilly here.

Thirdly, and this is a recent one, I have just read the "preview" paragraph I posted of the movie from last night. Now let's keep in mind that I swipe these preview paragraphs straight off the Nu Metro website, you'd think they'd be accurate. So reading that one, either the credits rolled mid-movie and I actually missed half of the plot or they didn't watch the movie before they wrote the preview. Julianne Moore is not the girl Nick Cage falls for ... and there is no mention of anyone ever being the mother of his child at any point in the movie. There really isn't. I was paying attention and I'm sure, even with the amount of noise from the annoying cinema-goers, I wouldn't have missed as crucial a part of the plot as that.

So that's the stuff I forgot.

Erm, You Did What?

So last night I went to movies with Varen. Yes, that is not a typo and it is not merely an attention getting first line ... it actually happened.

I hear you ask the immediately obvious question "WTF?". Okay, so let me start this story at the beginning. I left off yesterday wondering about whether I would see him when he dropped off my hard drive. I didn't think I would. I spent quality time on GoogleTalk with JofH debating the merits of seeing Varen and admitted that it was probably in bot hour best interests not to.

But, the crazy lady at reception wouldn't let a "stranger" (although he worked her for at least 2 years) leave a box unattended at reception for me to come and collect. Fair enough, I guess it could be a bomb ?? So down I went not expecting to see him, but there he was. Now let's keep in mind that we have not actually seen each other since a very bad-mood lunch on the Friday before he went off diving on the 18th, that's 3 weeks ago.

Now I guess we should've realised then the impact seeing each other would have. We've never managed to resist each other when we've been within 5 metres of the other. And this time we nearly nearly did, but neither of us could turn and walk away. So we went walking and talking. It was very difficult and obviously emotions were running high, but aside from everything else we'd missed each other. So I went with him to check out his new apartment that's being built across the road - which is why he thought it'd be easiest to deliver the hard drive to reception since he was nearby. The place looks pretty cool, although still a very serious construction site! Looks like he may decide to sell tho, since he was supposed to have moved in back in January - you know how new buildings are.

And then he asked me to go to movies with him. I knew it was not the smart move, but half my brain was protecting me and trying to convince me to do the right thing and not go. And the other half really really wanted to go. So I relented and he booked the tickets when he got back to his office.

We saw Next.

If you can see the future, you can save it.
In this adaptation of Philip K. Dick's The Golden Man, Nicholas Cage plays a man who can see into the future and change it any way that he wants. As he tries to avoid capture by a government organization, he must win the love of a woman (Julianne Moore) who he learns will be the mother of his child.

It was pretty good ... and has an attempt at a twist at the end. I say attempt because the end of the movie comes as quite a surprise. I did have one issue with the movie tho and it's basically a conceptual thing so I can mostly let it go and not let it interfere with my suspended reality while watching. But really, if you could see the future as Nicholas Cage can in the movie, can you switch the ability on and off? Because surely if you could see every outcome of every choice you made, surely you'd get motion sickness at best? And how exactly could you tell the difference between the "future reality" and what is really happening? Oh, and when would you actually have time for real life if you were just standing around watching the possible future constantly? So yes, a lot to ponder ... but if you take it at face value for the mindless entertainment it was intended to be, not a bad movie at all :)

So now here we are back in the harsh reality of daylight wondering about the tear in reality that was yesterday. Did it even really happen? And now what? I have no idea. At least we're agreed on the "no pressure" rule and we each have space to figure out exactly how we want to handle things. I'm going to have to have a long think about things this weekend and figure out if this was a serious lapse in judgement or not. Damn conflicting brain ... And why is the chemistry between us so over powering that it kills all logical rational thought. So there you have it, the drama is back, at the very least momentarily.

And It Was All Going So Well

Funny how moods change ... last night when I got home from a lovely dinner and evening out with JofH, I was full of hope and looking forward to one day being in love again and feeling that warm fuzziness. I guess his enthusiasm for the relationship he's in at the moment in infectious and reminds me how it should be :) This morning when I woke up, I was still filled with hope ... but this time that my jaw would one day soon be pain free. Blegh, damn friggin wisdom tooth removal operation has really dampened my week!

I know I shouldn't still be complaining, but I wasn't expecting it still to be sore. Well, it's not really too bad as long as I don't talk or eat or yawn or open my mouth in any way really. Anyway, I have high hopes that today will be the last of that and life will continue as normal after this. Being in some form of constant pain (this is a dull ache deep within my jaw bone - I think), is quite exhausting actually. So fingers crossed that it's on the mend, okay?

Anyway, back to last night. Dinner was good and at a fabulous little restaurant in Parkhurst called Cilantro. It's quite a pricey spot but the food was good. JofH was in complete awe of his Tomato Soup starter. I tasted a spoonful, it was good. I had their calamari starter which was also yummy. And then I did something completely un-me ... I ordered fillet as my main. Yes yes, I'll wait a moment while those of you who know me really well recover from the shock. I'll tell you that it wasn't an ideal choice. It sounded far better than it tasted ... "Stuffed with mozzarella cheese and basil pesto". By stuffed they meant a thin line spread across the middle so as to be barely noticeable. But I guess if I was more of a meat-fan in general it wouldn't have been too bad :)

And that is my story. I made the horrible mistake of taking a look at Varen's blog last night as well. And this morning he emailed me about the hard drive he'd ordered for me while we were still on speaking terms. I thought I could do this, but it seems I can't. Half of me desperately wants to see him when he pops by to leave it at reception, the other half knows we shouldn't even be mailing each other. He seems to be recovering from this nicely (based on his blog and his tone over email) and I don't want to mess that up for either of us. But I do miss him. I want to zip past this awful bit and get straight to the part where we can maybe even be friends. Maybe. Blegh, this is too much confusion for my morning. I wish I could cordon off bits of my brain and ignore them.

Today I'm Scared

Today is not a good day and for so many reasons.

Last night was nice and relaxing. I'm taking JofH's advice and giving myself permission to do nothing. I skipped Yoga ... it's too friggin cold - and I know the temperature at Bikram is divine in this weather, but it's still hard to motivate myself to get to the warmth (and out of it after) in this weather. That and my jaw is still bothering me.

Anyway, I went home and ate dinner and finished watching The Lost Room. Loved it. So annoyed that it was only 6 episodes and they haven't really left themselves open for any future ones. Oh well. It was still good while it lasted. And I finished my book - review should be somewhere below.

And then I went to bed. Got woken by our call centre at 00:45 or so because they couldn't get hold of TheBrad. Which meant I was awake to see the pouring rain, lightning and thunder. And shocked because that's not supposed to happen in Joburg in Winter. Which is why my washing was outside on the line - how annoying. It's now still raining, and my washing is still outside!

Added to this, I had serious pain in my jaw. I tried not taking the pain killers, I'm not really a fan of them and would rather not be taking them ... but at this stage it seems unavoidable. Then I smsed my mommy because I was in pain and she's the only one who loves me enough for me to wake her at such an ungodly hour for such a ridiculous reason.

Anyway, with the help of the pain killers and my microwavable hottie, I eventually got back to sleep.

Then I woke up and it was still all drizzly. Ordinarily I quite like this weather ... even more so when I get to stay home in bed with my book. But today I had to come in to work.

And in typical municipal intelligence, en route to work I nearly rear-ended a garbage truck that was parked with no warning around a blind corner. Luckily I skidded to a halt in time and so did the car behind me.

I realised on my drive this morning that although I'm not sad again today, I'm no longer calm and at peace with things, I'm scared.

I'm scared of driving my car in the rain cause it does that weird aqua-plane thing sometimes when I brake. I'm scared of driving my car at night because sometimes it takes a few tries to start. I'm scared of all sorts of other emotional things and life in general and whether or not I've screwed it up completely. I'm scared that my jaw is still hurting ... is that normal? I'm also secretly scared about the clear weather-season issues we're having ... will it affect the possibility of me seeing the Wildebeest Migration in August?

So this is how I start my day. But tonight I'm having dinner with JofH, so I'm looking forward to that and I know deep down that no matter what does actually happen between now and then, the chances are good that I will survive the day :) I hope ... well, I think I do. Lucky for me, I'm too curious about what is still to come to wish my life over now.

Oh, and I promised a book review or two. The first, which I finished over the weekend, was Jeffrey Deaver's The Empty Chair.

Lincoln Rhyme has travelled to a world-famous spinal cord injuries center in North Carolina for some risky, experimental surgery. It may make him a tiny bit better, it may kill him. But before he has a chance to undergo it, the local police department are drafting in Rhyme and Amelia, using their forensic skills to help find two women kidpapped by a psychotic young man known locally as the Insect Boy. After a cat and mouse game through the abandoned swamps of North Carolina, Lincoln and Amelia manage to find him - then Amelia, convinced of his innocence, breaks the boy out of jail. And Lincoln has to find them both, while Amelia uses all the skills her mentor and lover has taught her to evade him. Her actions are to have more disastrous consequence than either of them anticipate ...

I enjoyed this, like all of Deaver's Lincoln Rhyme novels. It has some great twists.

> Follow Jeffery Deaver on Twitter

The second, which I finished last night, was The Girls by Lori Lansens.

'I have never looked into my sister's eyes. I have never bathed alone. I have never stood in the grass at night and raised my arms to a beguiling moon. I've never used an aeroplane bathroom. Or worn a hat. Or been kissed like that...So many things I've never done, but oh, how I've been loved. And, if such things were to be, I'd live a thousand times as me, to be loved so exponentially' In twenty-nine years, Rose Darlen has never spent a moment apart from her twin sister, Ruby. She has never gone for a solitary walk or had a private conversation. Yet, in all that time, she has never once looked into Ruby's eyes. Joined at the head, 'The Girls' (as they are known in their small town) attempt to lead a normal life, but can't help being extraordinary. Now almost thirty, Rose and Ruby are on the verge of becoming the oldest living craniopagus twins in history, but they are remarkable for a lot more than their unusual sisterly bond.

This was an interesting book and I did quite enjoy it. No twists or drama, just a good reflection on a fictional life. Sometimes I enjoy a good girly book ;)

Thank Goodness for Family

Unfortunately I missed Yoga last night ... damn Jhb traffic! But I think it's best since I'm still not completely pain-free after my wisdom-removal. I guess it has only been a few days tho.

Last night I finally managed to get some shopping done and filled my bare fridge and cupboards ... but disobeyed the cardinal rule of "don't grocery shop when hungry" ;) Oh well, sometimes these things can't be helped. And then I had a nice and relaxing evening at home.

I spent time on the phone with my family :) Phoned my aunt Bandi who I haven't chatted to in a while. And then called my Gran and got to speak to my cousins & other aunt as well. It was nice, and I think that's what has put me in a far better mood this morning. I am at peace today ... relaxed and calm and not sad. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but I'm sure enjoying it while it's here :)

Oh and I managed to watch another episode of The Lost Room - thankfully TheBrad had copied it from me and I could get it back from him while Bug still has my dvd. I'm enjoying this show!

Weekend Blur

So, time for the weekend round-up. Friday evening, after spending the day very dopey, Loulou & I headed off to our first Blogger Meet. It wasn't terribly exciting and was (I thought) pretty poorly attended. Only knew Chews there, but I guess, at least we knew someone.

We didn't stick around longer than a single drink because I wasn't feeling that great but, on the way home we figured we'd stop by Newscafe in 4ways for another drink with Loulou's friend CrazyLady. This turned into a slightly longer stay than expected ... especially since I was drinking water - not taking any chances with the gaping hole in my mouth and the subsequent pain killers and antibiotics. Then we hung around and met up with Wiggly & Phlippy, chatted a while and then headed home for some much needed sleep.

I spent the whole of Saturday in bed. I meant to get up and do some admin stuff, like shopping, but I just couldn't bring myself to get up. I woke up feeling like I'd been punched. Thankfully I haven't had any swelling at all tho. Unfortunately my Lost Room dvd was still with Lady & Bug, but they'd copied Lost 3 for me. So that is how I spent my day, watching Lost 3 in bed. Fabulous! Although I only got half way - that's all they copied :( I am now expecting a week of withdrawal with no tv series to watch - sob, what ever will I do? Kidding. Well, a little.

Anyway, then it was fondue time. Loulou had organised 2 weeks ago and even so, in a move that I thought was purely Capetonian, 2 people canceled mere hours before the event. But it was still a blast and she'd made magic brownies which didn't seem to affect any of us. The fondue was fun and was followed by a surprisingly quick game of 30 seconds. Then we were supposed to head off to a house party and meet up with Wiggly & Phlippy but Lou got an sms saying they were on their way home. So Saturday ended pretty early too.

Sunday I managed to get myself out of bed before midday - yay for me :) I found myself missing Varen ... it took supreme concentration thru out the day not to sms him. This is annoying because it means that all the anger at him for how he's handled things seems to be dissipating far sooner than I'd prefer. I want to be angry with him, I'm still hurt. But now I miss him too. Which is annoying. Because it doesn't make a difference. It never mattered how much I liked him, because it'd never have been enough for him. Sad, huh?

So, I had a bit of a sad day on Sunday and so sequestered myself in a dark room where no one should be allowed to speak with all sorts of escapism playing out in front of me: the movies. Loulou joined me for Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End.

As the age of piracy comes to a close, Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann must sail off the edge of the map, navigate treachery and betrayal, and make their final alliances for one last decisive battle. Our heroes must face Lord Cutler Beckett, Davy Jones and Admiral James Norrington in a titanic showdown that could eliminate the freedom-loving pirates from the seven seas – forever.

It was pretty good. We annoyingly missed the first little bit because they stupidly appear not to have shown the usual 15 minutes (minimum) of trailers ... I mean who does that? People rely on it. Anyway, the movie was quite fun. Keira Knightley is getting more annoying, Johnny Depp is getting hotter :)

And then we headed home and I debated what to do for the rest of the afternoon as it was only just after 3pm. I thought another movie was called for. So I headed off to Monte Casino to watch The Number 23 - even after JofH had warned me against it.

First it takes hold of your mind...then it takes hold of your life. The psychological thriller The Number 23 stars Jim Carrey as a man whose life unravels after he comes into contact with an obscure book titled The Number 23. As he reads the book, he becomes increasingly convinced that it is based on his own life. His obsession with the number 23 starts to consume him, and he begins to realize the book forecasts far graver consequences for his life than he could have ever imagined.

It was pretty interesting, a new concept. I kinda liked it, but it wasn't earth-shattering. An unusually un-funny role for Jim Carrey.

And that was the weekend, it was pretty okay till my sad Sunday mood arrived. And it doesn't seem to have left either. Is it normal to think that it's too late to be loved, or to love again? That's how I feel. I know everyone keeps saying that 27 is not old ... but it feels like it is. Like it's too late. Like I've missed my chance, like I gave up. I feel like I have too much baggage ... like I am burdened by experience.

I was trying to remember this weekend when I was last really happy. Like for more than a fleeting moment. When last I really laughed, more than just a giggle at a passing comment. I couldn't remember the answer for either. I realised that I'm not really happy at the moment. I don't know how to fix this ... ? Sometimes I love being alone, being away from anyone else because it's easier and safer. The rest of the time I wish I had someone to do things with, even if it means just being in their quiet company ... but not alone. You know? This is a complicated time, emotionally.

The Last of My Wisdom, Gone!

Just a quick update ... I'm at home on 3G. Trip to the dentist went fine but I must tell you that having a wisdom tooth removed from your bottom jaw is a totally different sort of game to having one removed from the top!

With many strong anaesthetic injections the dentist pushed and pulled to loosen the tooth and after about an hour presented me with my perfectly intact wisdom tooth. Apparently it was an unusual one with 4 roots, which he let me keep :) Okay, okay I know that makes me sound like a complete weirdo, but I won't be keeping it forever ... just for the next couple days no doubt, as a souvenir of the experience.

I must say it was fairly exhasuting and I'm truly grateful for the anaesthetic (which completely numbed me from the middle of my lips all the way up to my eye!) and now the painkillers. So far I feel fine, just a little drowsy ... so there goes my free afternoon off work! I'm not in the mood for anything more strenuous than lazing on my bed with some tv series or my book.

But I must highly recommend my dentist, he was brilliant. I got referred to him by Loulou ... and here are his details for any of you who might be interested: Dr Alan Bartkunsky in Parktown North (011 7885315)

Anyway, that's the news ... have a fabulous weekend :) Oh, and Book Club was fab last night, nothing like a bunch of girls and a couple of bottles of wine!