Life Carries On

So I have been promising an emotional post for a while now ... but after last night I have a feeling it won't be coming with quite the content I was expecting.

First I was going to write out all the reasons from my side why the break-up happened, explaining for your benefit and my own therapy. I'm not entirely sure of all the reasons on Varen's side, I guess when we realised it was something we'd both pretty much decided needed to happen and the other was completely in-sync with the decision, we didn't question the other person's reasons.

And then I was going to write one about the very emotional time it's been living together (for less than a week!) after getting back from Cape Town, but that all faded into irrelevance last night.

I knew something was up with him, he came home in a foul mood on Monday evening and wouldn't speak to me at all. I was quite upset because Sunday had made it seem like things could be okay and in my mind although we still had chemistry and physical attraction, the mental attraction was gone. And although that's a hard and still very sad situation to be in, I thought it'd be enough to get us thru the month of living together while I found a new home. I naively thought we were in a place where we knew wouldn't get back together but could appreciate some of the good that we'd had during our relationship as sort of a goodbye-mourning period.

Last night there was one of those "I have to take this" calls where he jumped up and locked himself in the spare room to talk. He was soo werid about it, I admit, I went and listened outside the door. Turns out I'm not so irreplaceable as I'd like to think. He's already mentally tied himself up in another messy situation with a girl he works with (again! We were working together when we met).

I was pretty devastated and am thrilled to bits that I'm moving out on Saturday although, terrified that any second thoughts I had late last night (mostly to do with the bunnies new set-up) will need to be ignored or made-to-work, because I can not possible live with him a second longer.

And then after being terribly upset for a while, I forgave him, and told him so. I realised that everyone deals with things in their own way and I knew he was a serial long-term-dater when I met him (the only reason he had such a long gap between me and his previous ex was because I was still with Bean). And for me, I'm moving on and have a fresh start ahead of me. I needed this break-up for my own reasons and although I'd love him to pine and be upset over it, that's not his way and now he's choosing, in some ways, an even more difficult path for himself and taking on more emotionally than I think (which of course no longer really counts for much there) than he should right now ... but he seems unable to stop himself.

Emotionally it hurts like hell, right now it still feels a little too much like The LyingPilot who moved his now-wife-of-4-years into our place a mere 3 weeks (or less?) after I moved out.

So I haven't slept at all, between being unable to switch my head off and the thunder and lightening and the worry that the bunny hutch actually won't fit in it's new home and that it'll get flooded in rain-storms like last night ... I think I might've got about 2 & half 3 hours in there somewhere.

So I'm not looking forward to today, it was hard enough to concentrate on work when I was excited about the prospect of the future, now with no sleep and panic about how to solve all these possible problems (will be going over there with my measuring tape a little later!) I have no idea how I'll get thru today.