Onward and Upward

So, other than today being Daddio's birthday (Happy happy!), it's also one month since Varen and I broke up. And as you've probably read, plenty has happened in that single month.

Yesterday I found out that him and the new (see, no longer "future") girlfriend have decided to give their relationship a try ... in his own words, he thinks he can be happy with her.

I'm okay, but believe me, there have been plenty of sentences I've already removed from this post ...no need in re-hashing the unnecessary, right. No need to write all of his transgressions out here. I really actually don't want it all written here as a reminder because in a year (no doubt probably even less actually) they'll mean nothing to me. But for now they still hurt. Although he's still offering the worthless platitude of "I'm sorry if I hurt you".

I'm not hurt because he's moving on, I'm hurt because it preys on the tenuous trust I had left ... every new little piece of information casts doubt on what happened. And I guess I'm more prone to thinking this way because it's happened before, with The Lying Pilot. Luckily I learnt then that it's not worth looking back and questioning everything ... you make the decision to trust someone and you put that into their hands. If they choose to lie to you, while you are trusting them, it's not on your head, it's on theirs.

I also hate that I am hungry for the very information that hurts me ... I don't know why. I need to force myself to make a clean break. I know it'll be easier now, knowing that this new relationship of his is on. I've already removed him from my Google Talk and Blackberry Messenger.

I'm also seeing things from a very peculiar perspective tho ... Karma is a bitch. While I didn't physically cheat on Bean (and I choose to believe Varen didn't physically cheat on me), there's very definitely an emotional version of cheating (which I denied to make myself feel better last time around), which hurts just as much, when you're on the receiving end. I guess I can just be grateful that I was ready for the end of our relationship as much as he was ... I don't know if Bean had that luxury (although we did break up and get back together before we broke up the final time).

And although I envy Varen the things he's enjoying at the moment, you know that new burst of interest in someone, the watching your phone in case they smsed, the comfort of knowing that there's someone out there who likes you and wants to hold you and is thinking about you too, I don't have space in myself for those things right now. And somehow I think I'd rather be on my path than his. He's already chosen someone new ... I get to go out and explore :)

And I have an amazing circle of friends ... things are so much better than they were when I broke up with Bean and lost the majority of my friends because they were all his friends girlfriend's. This time round, I'm spoilt for choice and am already keeping myself quite busy :) (Thanks again @clairam for Monday night's SCM Dinner. It was just what I needed!)

I also have a new home and some serious retail therapy coming up :) Here are all the things I need (and some that I just really want):

1. Fridge
2. Microwave
3. Washing Machine
4. Crockery
5. Cutlery
6. Pots & Pans
7. Couch
8. Bed (I have a mattress already... I saw a truly divine 4-poster at Dera-Kera months ago and am pining after it ... but it was so expensive!)
9. Chest of drawers for my bedroom
10. Small chest of drawers & shelves for the bathroom (white)
11. One of those desk-shelf things from Mr Price Home
12. Curtains wouldn't go amiss but are not a requirement (have office blinds at the moment :P)
(And so many other small mundane-but-required items!)

After years and years of living with boyfriends in their houses (ie. being the one to leave after the break-up), I will be buying for myself, things will be mine and stay mine ... instead of things being bought communally over time and I end up going without because you never remember when it's time to leave and usually it's easier just to leave it all behind! See, there's some excitement (and major expense) coming up.

Here's to being positive and going head-held-high into the unknown future (although I would love some sort of assurance that the right man is out there and it does all come together for me ...). Last night I had my first evening home alone, and it was quite liberating. I went and shopped for Bookclub books (am not super impressed with the Exclusive Books at the new Morningside Center, but oh well) and got some Ghazal's take-out and then went home and watched series. Not unlike any night I might've spent while dating Varen while waiting for him to come home from work ... but this night was mine alone. The relief and weight that the break-up lifted are finally showing thru, like rays of sun behind the thunder clouds :)