knee-high grass

Okay so I realised that maybe I've been sounding overly negative here. But I'm really actually more okay than that. I'm mostly good, in fact. I guess it's just cause I write first thing in the morning and generally my negative thinking plagues me at night. And the sun probably hasn't had enough time to turn my thinking back to rational by the time I write my blog posts. I bet if I were writing them at midday, they would sound completely different. The light of day and the distraction of work and interaction with others always helps. I gave myself a good pep talk yesterday afternoon and I'm feeling much calmer today :)

But, that said there is plenty on my mind. And it's not necessarily bad or good, it's more like my brain is overflowing with too much fluctuation in my life in the last while. We had the office merger earlier in the year and I still haven't settled at work yet, although I will say I'm feeling less negative and more neutral about work these days, which I consider an improvement. But still, the giant change in a large part of my every day has, without doubt, added to my underlying stress levels.

Then there is the boy-factor. Yes, it's awesome and I really do rather like this boy, but it has definitely highlighted issues I didn't even know I had, that I can only imagine fall directly into the category of baggage. I long for the carefree beginning of relationships I had before I was 25. Where everything was new and exciting and you didn't wonder about if any of it was true. You just believed because that was what you wanted and everything seemed fine. But age and experience tells me now that life is just not that simple. It's not that easy to believe in good things.

And contributing to that is the fact that today, The Trucker is moving into his ex-girlf's complex. And I'm trying not to over react. I'm trying to look at things logically. But really, I'm someone who never ever speaks to her exes again when things end. They are no longer part of my life. I am unfamiliar with an amicable break-up. Let alone one where I'd be okay with my ex-boyf moving into the same complex. I'm a big fan of not even having them in the same province or country as me ;) I don't want to bump into them or see them in passing, let alone call them over to help out with something. This is weighing on my mind, I guess only time will tell. But I will tell you that it is not helping the point above, you know, the one where they turn out to be bastards after all, at all. Not one bit.

(All that said, he is still being completely lovely and has done nothing to imply I have anything to worry about ... this is all just what my head makes up. And literally, if left too long on it's own, it really does just make stuff up!)

And then there is my living situation. I feel I must address this issue, but really, since I've tried and can't come up with any comfortable solution, I'm choosing to just ostrich the entire thing and pretend it doesn't exist. But in the small quiet corners of my mind, I know that it does ... and it is causing the vast quantity of swirling and spinning because I can not find the solution I want. At this point I reckon teleportation is the most likely winner :P

I guess it's a lot like I read in Jenty's blog, I just don't feel in control of what is going on in my life lately and it's left me feeling unsettled and not really sure even what the next 6 months will hold. I know that we don't usually know, but we do kinda have a vague path we're following. Right now, all I see in front of me is knee-high grass ...