Just Thoughts

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo ... it's not that I have nothing to say, I do. It's more like I have a lot of unformed thoughts in my head at the moment. Which I want to say, but since they're not yet concrete, it's hard to put them down. (I bet this makes little to no sense to someone who is not a blogger).

And there hasn't been much day-to-day stuff to write about either. SCM turned into Bitchin' Kitchen Tuesday and other than that I haven't really done much yet this week.

And work is chaos. Not exactly in a bad way, I seem to have stabilised when it comes to work these days. Although we have been dealing with some annoying technical issues.

So what is swirling? I am thinking about relationships. I guess I'm facing the truth that at 31 (and a half) I have no idea what it takes to get it right. And I don't know how to separate the societal norms from what I actually want for myself. I am beginning to think that being an independent and self-reliant woman in her 30s, while it is great for me as an individual, is not a very good formula for long-term relationships.

Let me explain. I am used to doing things for myself. At this point in my life I rely on me. And I am skeptical about a relationship working out ... so I have a bunch of mental back-ups plans. I am reminded of a conversation I had with someone about money in marriage. The thought of throwing everything I have in with someone else and letting it all mix and be "ours", to allow them to do whatever stupid thing they want with what's "mine" terrifies me. I like the idea of each keeping separate accounts and having a single joint one (not really knowing the practicalities at this stage, please remember this is all just theory). And I guess that is probably the perfect explanation of what may be both right (financially and security-wise if things crash and burn down the line) and wrong (because we're always holding back and never fully combined with someone else, does that make it easier to walk away?) with the mindset that comes with not yet being married by 30. What happens when both people are like that, can it ever really work out?

See, only a half-formed thought with no solution in sight. I am just trying to muddle thru. I guess as many things that are going on and going right in my life, I still wonder when the next part starts ... it's awesome to be achieving these things (buying my own home!), and although it is an amazing thing to be doing it on my own (if anyone has done *any* house hunting lately, you will know how hard it is to buy if not part of a couple or without two incomes), I am still kinda sad cause I'm not sharing it with someone, I'm moving forward on my own, taking these big life steps alone. I can't really explain that conflict within me, but it's still there.