2012 Review

So yeah, I guess it's that time of year again ...this is a hard one to write tho, especially with the way my year has ended. In fact, it seems to be a frightening recurring trend that every three years in December, I have a major break-up :( It's hard to try and look back at the (so many) good things that also happened this year. I suppose that actually it was a pretty amazing year. I had a wonderful relationship with The Trucker before it came to a sad sorry end.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
These are probably all travel-related. I did a lot more "adventure" travel with The Trucker, we did that canopy tour, scooted around Vietnam, went river rafting and 4x4ing down Sani Pass. All good fun first time experiences.

I also tried getting a Personal Trainer (which made no difference between Feb and July), joined Boot Camp and went to a Nutritionist (which made an amazing difference from Sept). Guess it was the year of the Body ;)

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yip, 2 of my Cape Town friends. And it feels like *everyone* in my Facebook timeline from High school :P

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I can think of.

4. Did anyone close to you get married?
Yep, so many! The Peeb, a family friend, DJ Mike and those are just the weddings I went to.

5. What countries did you visit?
Namibia, Vietnam, Cambodia and Lesotho.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Hard to say on this one ... Although I'm now alone, I didn't lack for an amazing relationship in 2012. I had one, and that's why this is hard. I guess a new kitchen ;) Haha.

7. What date, from 2012, will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, obviously the 2nd December because of my break-up with The Trucker :(

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is going to sound crazy, but I am honestly listing "ending an amazing and good and happy relationship for the reason of wanting a family and children with someone" as my biggest achievement. Because it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It certainly doesn't feel like it now, but one day, when I find the things I'm looking for, I'll realise why this fits perfectly into this category.

9. What was your biggest failure?
At the moment I'm a little biased. I am feeling like the failure, for not having found someone to marry and have kids with yet ... when everyone else is making it look so easy (okay to be fair, not everyone else, but some days it feels that way). And I guess I feel sorta dumb that I got myself this amazing relationship, but it turned out to be with someone who didn't want those very normal things ... it's like winning the booby prize :P

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Does heart-break count as an injury?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Good question! I guess technically my car since I paid that off and it's now really mine and not just on loan from the bank :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Well, obviously The Trucker's. He was a pretty damn amazing boyfriend most of the time. From surprise Valentines Day to saving me a fortune on my car service and all sorts of little surprises and wonderful things in between. He was definitely my favourite boyfriend so far.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Well depressed is easy, The Trucker, again.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I guess this year it went on holidays (as usual) and paying off my car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This is probably my relationship with The Trucker too. I was really, really excited about it a lot this year. And our holidays. I holidayed well with this boy!

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
I think, obviously, Somebody That I Used to Know by Goyte. And then Starlight by Slash (because it's from The Trucker's favourite album so we listened to it a lot on our road trips).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder. Obviously :(
Thinner or fatter?  Amazingly (and I think I can write this for the first time ever!), thinner.
Richer or poorer? I think (I hope) maybe richer. I've shuffled some money around for the future kitchen renovations tho so it may just be a deceptive balance ;)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Dunno really. Aside from December, this has been a pretty spectacular year. I would wish I'd realised that The Trucker and I were on such different paths sooner, but then I would've missed out on some amazing experiences this year ... And I couldn't really have traveled more if I'd tried ;) Haha.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I'd had less reason to cry in December :P

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I'll be in Cape Town as usual. This year we won't be at The Beach Cottage tho, because it has been emptied in anticipation of the renovations. Well be Christmas Eve-ing at my aunts with my Mom's family and then spending Christmas Day at my Dad's.

21. How will you be spending New Year?
Absolutely no idea. Will be in Cape Town tho. Probably crying :P

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Absolutely, over and over again with The Trucker. *sob*

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favourite TV programme ?
Tricky. I watch so many and some are old favourites and some are awesome new shows. Probably my favourite new ones are New Girl and Elementary.

25. What did you want and get?
Happiness, although fleeting, I really was happy a lot of the time this year. I think I'm getting better at life as I get older.

26. What did you want and not get?
A future with a boy I adore.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32 this year and spent my birthday half at work and half driving to Kuruman to start our Namibia trip.

28. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This really is not my sort of question. I don't think it's changed since last year.

29. Who did you miss?
Well, right now I'm missing The Trucker. But for the rest of the year, I'm not sure. Probably Mom, as always.

Upwards

Okay so things seem to be getting easier, slowly. Yeah, yeah time is the great healer and all that. I heard last night that it takes 10 days in a row of doing something for your brain to form a habit and accept something. Guess it's like that with missing someone too.

On Tuesday evening, The Trucker mailed me. It caused a bit of a meltdown. Basically he squashed any tiny flicker of hope I still had that we could work this out somehow. I've compromised as much as I can, but he is not budging an inch and isn't going to. His decision is still No.

I guess in some ways, after I'd cried it out, talked it out and calmed down, it has made it easier. Now there is no where to go from here for us. There will be no realisation that he loved me more than he is afraid of our future.

It's still terribly sad. And we had fun together, but I guess what I've been realising with all this talking is that the kid-thing was only the breaking point, the not negotiable. But the reality is that the foundation of our relationship just wasn't that strong. We had all this great stuff on the surface, but crunch time and hard times were not manageable. Which means we wouldn't have survived anyway.

I'll be okay.

I also can't believe how busy I've been. This week has been no different. On Tuesday evening I went to SCM, but left quite early because I was yawning my head off. Luckily my sleeping patterns seem to have gone back to normal. And there is no more waking up with pangs of The Trucker anymore, since his email.

Last night CollegeInstructor came over to collect the keys. He's house- and bunny-sitting while I'm in Cape Town. To be honest I dunno what I'd do without him. We went to Mumbai Grill (previously Mumbai Brasserie) for Chicken Mahknie for dinner. Yum. Clearly the eating plan is shot for December. Not going to gym either ... although now my brain could probably stand to be alone while I'm swimming, I am feeling more holiday-mode relaxing is in order. I have signed up for the January Boot Camp already tho :)

Haha, things are quiet at work and wouldn't you know it I've started to wonder where next year's holiday will be ... I am not yet sure if there'll be one what with the kitchen renovations, but one can dream a little. Good to find the optimism where you can, right? Although I am slightly devastated not to have anyone to be planning with. I did love dating another adventurer ;)

So I've been searching around the idea of cruising around Croatia or Greece. Maybe squeeze in some of Italy (since Pompeii is on my list!). Nothing exciting to tell yet and it looks like it'll be more expensive than I was hoping, honestly. But we'll see.

Barely There

Wow. Today I am not in a good space. Which is a little soul-destroying as I thought I was finally getting into a good space again yesterday evening.

I seriously can't get over how much of a roller-coaster this has been (and continues to be). My emotions are an absolute mess and fluctuate wildly. Thankfully my Mom came up to Joburg for the long weekend. I'm not sure I could've got thru it without her there to distract me and keep me company.

She arrived on Friday evening, and we just headed straight home from Lanseria, had a quick and easy Woolies dinner. On Saturday we hit Cresta to begin the Christmas shopping. Yes, I usually leave my shopping till this long weekend. I'm just not that organised. It's hard to be doing so much shopping with Mom, who has to go slowly now that she has PMR.

Mostly we just bought things for ourselves and no xmas gifts. Haha. Mom only seems to do any clothes shopping when she's with me ... and I even got myself some new things :) Uplifting retail therapy.

We also popped past the Rivonia Oriental City which was a total waste of time, although I keep hearing about it ... not much is open yet. The only bonus was this bunny we bought at one of the robots on our way there :) Heehee

We had a relaxing afternoon at home followed by dinner out at Col'Cacchio. We both tried their new Pizza Foro range. I had the Romagnola Foro which I really liked. Although I think the salad in the middle is a total waste, it was a pile of lettuce on some sliced carrot and radish.

At home we watched Hysteria. It's a nice enough movie ... and Maggie Gyllenhaal is really good in it.

On Sunday I went and did some grocery shopping and then took Mom to Rosebank. Here, at least, we made a little dent in the xmas shopping. We stopped by Sandton very briefly on the way home (trying to find Daddio's gift in the right size). Was a little exhausted by then. We had planned on watching a movie on Sunday, but Life of Pi hasn't opened yet and Mom had already seen Skyfall. We made stirfry for dinner and ate outside. It was nice. I didn't have a very good afternoon emotionally :(

On Monday (yay for public holidays) we got ready and got Mom all packed and headed to Clearwater to finish up the shopping. I only have her still to buy for. We also headed to Lifestyle Garden Centre to get my gift from Mom. Usually if I get money, I don't really spend it on something specific and it's also hard because anything they give me I have to be able to bring back to Joburg. But this time I bought a whole bunch of stuff to get started on the veggie and herb garden I wanted to put outside my kitchen window.

Got it all set up after I dropped her off. Have been browsing living seeds and trying to narrow down a list :) Will plant when I'm back from Cape Town in January.

I was actually having a good emotionally-together Monday afternoon. I signed up on Meet Joburg. It sounds like more fun than speed-dating ... The first event is at the end of January, so that'll probably be ideal. Hopefully I'll be a little more together by then. Then I headed off to the Baron to meet up with @Rubyletters. Was lovely to see her again and catch-up :)

So, the emotional stuffs. Luckily I've been falling asleep quite easily. The real problem has been waking at 5am and my brain switching into over-thinking mode. I was plagued every morning, all weekend, with a need to contact The Trucker. To email, I even drafted the email. To sms. I don't know why. I think I'm just really struggling with the fact that he just said he doesn't want kids and gave up. He didn't try to compromise or to negotiate. I am confused that he loves me and misses me but not enough to want to try or anything. I wander thru shops constantly watching other people. Other people build these little family units ... everyone does. Except my ex-boyfriend. #sigh. I want to build my own family with someone. Who would've thought that'd be such a hard thing to do once you'd found someone you loved?

So far I've managed to stop myself from contacting him. I want to ask if there's anything we still need to talk about. I still want to talk to him and talk things through. My hopeful side wants to find a way for us to work. Every time I've spoken to him, I know it's probably been a little bit of an ambush for him. But he doesn't seem to need to talk about any of it ... he just accepts that we want different things and that's too bad, but not bad enough to change the outcome, I guess.

I'm sad and scared. I know there are probably loads of amazing single men (I say men now, not boys, because my therapist says not to date younger men anymore, which I think is sound advice) out there. But where? Where do you meet them? Anyway, hopefully I will find hope and believe in the future again soon. Because I think that is what is really killing me ... Damn, but I loved that boy, why didn't he just want the same things I did? *sob*

Oh right, and today. After no trouble falling asleep at all, even thru the emotional upheaval I've been feeling, last night when I was at peace with life I could NOT sleep. Even tho I put down my book and switched off my light earlier than my usual bedtime because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I don't think I even got a whole solid hour of sleep last night. I had those weird wakeful dreams. Where your brain isn't worrying over something specific so it drifts and you have those surreal dreams but you're not really asleep properly either. It was very hot last night and I felt out of sorts (so much so that I want throwing up at 01:40am), I still feel off.

Righto, now to try and get thru this day.

Dead on my Feet

Yawn. Long week this one. Just because I feel like I haven't stopped for a minute. Seriously I thought yesterday *had* to be Friday! Luckily yesterday wasn't as bad as Wednesday tho, I definitely don't think I'd have survived. But make no mistake yesterday was hard.

The Trucker messaged me. Hugs and kisses. And said he needed a real one yesterday. Obviously that didn't happen. But it does mean I struggle terribly with this whole we love and miss each other but there is no acceptable compromise thing ... It is breaking my heart.

I know I can get past this, one day at a time, but what I struggle with really is if this is the right move. Some days I think if we could just figure out a future we're both happy with, we could make it. But who knows. I mean who knows if there's a future we could both be happy with and if we'd make it last. I struggle with the knowledge that I was happy this year, I was happy with him. Why am I giving that up. Some days I think I'll never end up having kids. Some days I'm determined and think I'll do it on my own if I have to. Some days I think I'll never meet someone (okay, probably most days). I think that's really what is killing me. Choosing not him over no one else either. #sigh. I want him back. I really do. I want the good things back. I want to believe.



The lack of sleep is probably not doing me much good either. Last night I had some (6) of the girls from work over. I was seriously considering cancelling, but I had organised so long ago and everyone was looking forward to the catch up. It turned out to be quite a nice evening tho. Everyone brought a plate of food (and some over achievers brought 5 plates!) and drinks.

But today, I am exhausted. Mom arrives later for the long weekend. She booked flights last week when she was worried about me. Initially I thought I'd be fine but then I realised it would be much better having her around keeping me company. Weekends are hard ... and long. And lonely.

I watched this video, which I really liked. I know I'm not the only person in the world who's had to make this decision before. But it is so hard. Sometimes I don't know if I'm helping or hindering myself. I do google searches for "My boyfriend doesn't want kids" and "living in the moment versus planning for the future" and "can you fight the urge to have children" and "deciding to have a kid on your own". You can't believe how much is online. There is no consensus. There is the idea that if you put pressure on a guy he'll just bail (heck out the comments on that!), there are also so many women who do wait for guys who want kids "one day" but never really do and then the girls end up close to 40 and miserable.

"While I waited for a response, I caught myself wondering, Why am I having to work so hard to convince my boyfriend to do something so natural, which everyone else seemed to being doing without a second thought?"

"If we never think about the direction we want to go in our life, it is very unlikely we will get there. This is why it is so important to make our values and goals clear to ourselves." (those quotes are both from articles I've read)

I guess there is no hard and fast "rule" and no golden arrow. I don't know what to do and I don't think there is anything I can do. Life is pretty miserable right now.

Ups and Downs

Not doing well today at all. Had a pretty good week till yesterday actually. Saw The Trucker briefly on Monday evening. He popped past to drop off some stuff of mine he'd found.

We chatted a bit more. I wasn't really sure if I should, the way I was feeling, I wasn't really sure I wanted to save things anymore. What I wanted to know was, in spite of all the bad examples of parenting he had that were putting him off, if we took kids out of the equation, what did he really want from a relationship? Who did he see as having the relationship he wanted. And the penny dropped for me when he answered ... he wants a companionship, not a relationship. He'd always said, you have your life, I have my life and we have a relationship. But hearing the word companionship come out of his mouth as the first word to describe what he was looking for was like a light bulb moment.

I think that's exactly it. He wants someone to hang out with and have fun with, who's there for movie nights and holidays. You know, the fun and easy stuff. The stuff that's better when you have someone to do it with. But he doesn't need the bad stuff. When he's had a hard day at work, I'm not who he wants to see, being around me (or anyone I presume?) doesn't make him feel better about things. And dealing with my bad stuff? I guess he'd rather not. He wants something that's easy. That's light and fluffy. I want something that's meaningful, someone who is there and who you are there for. Someone to support you. I guess a real relationship is more symbiotic than a companionship. Mutual needs being fulfilled. And that's, I guess, where the trade-offs in relationships come from ... you do this for me and I do this for you, for our mutual benefit. To keep us both happy.

Anyway, these thoughts got me thru the first half of the week quite nicely. I thought I'd made peace with it all and accepted it.

On Tuesday evening was our SCM Xmas Dinner. Shew, so much food. Everyone brought something, I made my Spinach and Feta Pie. But we ate after 9pm (so not my ideal) and I didn't sleep well at all.

Yesterday was probably my worst day at work this year. Perhaps ever. I don't want to talk about it, it's still leaving a bad taste in my mouth and we will see what happens today ... But I left here yesterday feeling like perhaps I needed a whole new career direction. #sigh

Then last night was Book Club. We did Secret Santa, which was quite fun. But I left feeling quite low. Our book club has a few (3) older girls in it now. They're all in their early 40s. All single. And the things they said did not make me feel very good about the likelyhood about meeting someone amazing who could offer what I was looking for at this stage of my life.

Again I'm back to that sinking feeling that I missed a boat somewhere and am never going to find what I want / picture for my life. Other people have found it, but they found it ages ago and have settled into it and it's a warm safe place for them. I'm out in the cold, alone, wandering aimlessly. That's how it feels anyway.

I woke up still feeling miserable. Wondering if all this is actually worth it and where the happiness is. I was happy a lot this year, with The Trucker. I don't know what I could give up to get that back? Or if we could even get that back after this? But today I feel very alone and sad.

So many people say you should live in the present. I tried that the whole time I was dating The Trucker. And yes, it's a great place to be ... but if you don't plan for the future, how do you know you'll end up where you want to with the experiences you want? I can leave some things to chance ... where and when my next holiday will be. But marriage and kids? I'd rather not. I think I kinda have been leaving them up to chance and chance has not yet sided with me on this one :(

Firmin by Sam Savage

I had always imagined that my life story...would have a great first line: something like Nabokov's 'Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins;' or if I could not do lyric, then something sweeping like Tolstoy's 'All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'... When it comes to openers, though, the best in my view has to be the first line of Ford Madox Ford's The Good Soldier : 'This is the saddest story I have ever heard.' So begins the remarkable tale of Firmin the rat. Born in a bookstore in a blighted 1960's Boston neighborhood, Firmin miraculously learns how to read by digesting his nest of books. Alienated from his family and unable to communicate with the humans he loves, Firmin quickly realizes that a literate rat is a lonely rat. Following a harrowing misunderstanding with his hero, the bookseller, Firmin begins to risk the dangers of Scollay Square, finding solace in the Lovelies of the burlesque cinema. Finally adopted by a down-on-his-luck science fiction writer, the tide begins to turn, but soon they both face homelessness when the wrecking ball of urban renewal arrives. In a series of misadventures, Firmin is ultimately led deep into his own imaginative soul-a place where Ginger Rogers can hold him tight and tattered books, storied neighborhoods, and down-and-out rats can find people who adore them. A native of South Carolina, Sam Savage now lives in Madison, Wisconsin. This is his first novel.

Okay, so this didn't really appeal to me when it arrived at book club, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway ... since I once had a pet rat. Skip this book. Seriously, I still have very little idea what the point of it was. It was very tedious.

Really Real

Shew. What a weekend. It certainly rolled in ups and downs. On Friday afternoon it was our office Year End function. It included a giant water-slide in the parking lot. Which actually turned out to be more fun than I expected. Eventually I went down a few times in my clothes (luckily I had brought spare clothes!)

I left at the totally reasonable hour of around 8pm. Which I am even more glad I did now hearing some of the stories at the office this morning! I went home and watched series till I couldn't keep my eyes open after midnight.

I guess I was a little nervous for Saturday. The Trucker came over and brought my stuff from his house and picked up his stuff from my house before we headed off to Lethabo Estate for DJMike's wedding.

Generally we had a pretty good time. There was a lot more chatter around our decision. I think he's had as hard a week as I have, missing me, not sleeping well and generally being miserable and moping and by the sounds of things keeping himself busy with work. Poor boy :( Poor me because nothing has changed at all tho. Sob.

On an amusing aside, he was really laughing at me because as we were sitting there for the ceremony, I was like, "I'm sure that's my ex-cousin". Yup, turned out the bride's dad is dating my uncle's ex-wife. Haven't seen them in years. He now reckons I can't swing a cat without bumping into some family or another ;)

Yes, he stayed over. It was nice having him there <3 But he left at about 7am for cricket. And I spent Sunday feeling completely heart-broken. He missed me but not enough for anything to change. I adore him and can't make this right :( I escaped into a book and slept some more. Escapism much?

Eventually I went and did grocery shopping for the week. I was crying in the queues. Thank goodness I bumped into @clairam and we went and got a drink at Mugg&Bean and chatted the afternoon away.

I struggled for the rest of the afternoon at home alone. There was a hail storm and I got soaked putting my car into the garage and had a hot bubble bath with candles, reading my book.

It took everything I had not to message him yesterday. As I sat watching TV, my brain was screaming NO! NO! NO! about the whole situation. It was deafening. Oh jees. This has been terrible. I was all ready to mail him this morning with some attempt at reconciliation.

Somehow tho, this morning I've woken up knowing that's not the right thing. I have woken with this weird feeling that even if we'd agreed on not having or having kids, our relationship probably would've floundered in another year or two. Yes, it was pretty damn amazing for the last year. And I love him soso much. But I know that it is easy to love someone in good times. And he was an awesome and attentive boyfriend in those good times. In fact he has many qualities I'd love to find again. But when we got annoyed with one another or were stressed, things weren't good. We didn't handle the bad times very well. And life comes with bad times and you need your partner to stand next to you and manage those bad times and still love you. I don't know if he and I could do that.

I know that with his ex-girlf he went off and traveled the world without her, I want someone who makes plans with me and includes me and if I can't go we postpone till we both can. You know, having a "what's better for both" attitude about life. Someone who thinks whatever they do would be improved by sharing it with me. Yes, I am independent and some things and some trips can be done as an individual ... some opportunities are too good to give up, we all know that. But it shouldn't be the norm. I want to be independent with someone. Independent, not solitary. I don't think he gets that. I want a team, a partnership, a shared life. And I don't know if he could give me that.

So maybe, just maybe, this has stolen a few years of happiness with him to give me a chance to find what I really want with someone else now ... instead of in 2 or 3 years time.

Damn, I miss him tho. I would love to find someone with all his amazing qualities but change or tweak about 5 or 6 things ... chances are to get those 5 or 6 things, I 'll probably have to give up some of the amazing things about him too ... Life is sucky like that :P

A Little Better ...

Shew. Longest week ever. Last night was my first evening home alone for the whole night (as in I didn't head out for some type of dinner-time distraction ... obviously I was sleeping alone all week :P). Perhaps watching Grey's and Private Practice wasn't the smartest move ;) Haha.

I am feeling better today tho. Make no mistake I'm still frustrated at my situation and would love to change it back, but I think I've accepted that without some kind of drastic change or compromise on his part (that I don't believe is coming) nothing is going to change between us. I went for my therapy appointment yesterday. It was about as helpful as an hour with someone who is just trying to get to know you and listen to your problems could be. It's expensive tho, shew. But I think I'll try to go monthly from now. Just to get myself on track.

I think this week of hearing and talking to people has really helped. I don't think a single person has question this reason for breaking up with someone. I think I've accepted that, love him as I do, he is just not in the same life place as me. As my therapist put it, he is in the building phase of his life. There is no space for thoughts of nesting. Even if it's 2-3 years in the future. No more dating younger boys. Apparently I need a more stringent interview process for prospective boyfs. Clearly :P

Ha. And I spent the last year thinking that his ex girlf was silly for breaking up with him for the very same reason when she didn't seem to be any closer to where she wanted to be now. 3 years later she's not in a relationship (that I know of), she's certainly not married and apparently she's going to try the Sperm Donor route. Maybe that will be me in 3 years too?

Damn, where is that magic time machine when I need one. If I could only fast forward The Trucker to 36 or 37 yrs old and stay where I am. Then maybe. But even I know that's unlikely to happen.

Anyway. I'll see him tomorrow at the Wedding. I did consider taking someone else, but I really want to see him (I still like him, remember). And we need to swap our stuff still. I'll be honest, I couldn't have done this earlier this week, on Monday or Tuesday. I think I'm okay now.

Ouch

Yesterday was better. Calmer. Still a dull ache. Could I just wake up and realise this has all been a dreadful dream?

I discovered this morning that he hid his relationship status on Facebook last night ... I did it weeks ago, when things first got weird, but that's not the sort of thing he'd notice. We're still in a relationship on Facebook, it's just that no one else can see it now. Why does that hurt so much? Why can I not set it back to single?

I know I should take down the photos I have of us hanging above my bed. I can't. I can't bring myself to admit that it's over for real, for ever. Damn, and I was doing so well yesterday. Now I'm crying again. Can someone dehydrate from crying too many tears?

I kept myself busy last night with a catch-up dinner with The Housemate (who is up from Cape Town for DJMike's wedding this weekend) and CollegeInstructor at Gourmet Garage. Haha, The Housemate (Beukes) and I are starting a trend, of having dinner every time I break up :P

The thing I have realised is just how many friends I have. Not that I didn't know before, but I've had people checking up on me every single day. And sometimes it's hard and I don't want to talk or be reminded of the sorry sad situation I find myself in. I am the car wreck people are stopping to watch, to remind them that their lives are okay and better and they have things to be grateful for, I guess. Sometimes that's how it feels. I know that's not fair on them. I know mostly they really are just concerned for my well being. And there really is nothing they can do or say, other than maybe pass a tissue and a hug?

I am amazed at the camaraderie I'm finding amongst other recently single friends. Sheesh. I am surrounded. I'm glad I've got my appointment later today with the new therapist.

Survival Mode

I can't believe how my emotions are fluctuating on a day to day basis thru this process. Day 1 I got thru the daylight alright. Denial was rife and reality had definitely not yet set in. Aside from one minor glitch, where he didn't say "Speak to you later" when we said goodbye in the morning, it might've just been any other day ... except that I stopped myself messaging him when I felt the pang. Except that my brain and other people kept reminding me.

In the evening of Day 1, the wheels fell off and I got quite hysterical in that quiet time before bed. What have I done?

Day 2 was harder. During the daylight of Day 2 I was a complete mess and had a bit of a breakdown in the comfort of a quiet room with @jarredcinman. Hysterical tears and unattractive blubbing and sheer devastation as reality dawned. The evening of Day 2 was easier. Quieter. I went to SCM Dinner.

I don't really know what today holds. I feel quiet numb. I feel exhausted even tho I did manage to sleep. I woke up yawning. I'm drained and feel like I am in a fog. This is not my life. I guess denial might be back. But, yes, this is my life. One step at a time. That is all I'm managing.

I ache. I ache for the good and the love of The Trucker. I miss him terribly. I'm trying to be proactive. I've collected up all his things. I've made a list of what I need to get back from him. I've got an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. My Mom is coming to stay for the long weekend.

I hurt. This hurts so very much. I know I'll survive it. But I have lost something I'll never get back. This will probably be my biggest regret if it turns out I don't end up having kids. I keep wishing for things to turn out the way I dreamt they would with him. But I keep realising that he wasn't dreaming of the same things. That's what I'm struggling with.

I keep thinking this is what Survival Mode must feel like. Just make it thru another day any way you can.

Dear Life

This is quite probably the worst thing you've done to me so far. I'm not coping at all. Yesterday was filled with the surreal state of denial. I skipped gym so that I couldn't be left alone with my brain while swimming laps. I immersed myself in some escapism via series.

At around 6pm I felt myself floundering. Thanks to @clairam for providing a safe haven where I needn't be alone. And chicken mayo sarmies and wine.

I got home and collapsed in a pit of self-despair. I am broken. I don't know how to do this. Because I did it to myself. For the promise of something maybe. I am devastated by this decision. There were down-sides to my relationship with The Trucker, of course there were, we're both different people. But for the most part we were happy. And I was loved and spoilt. At the moment I can only remember the good and all the things I'm volunteering to miss out on :( My eyes are puffy from tears I can't stop.

I miss him terribly. Getting thru one night without each other is easy. It's the anticipation of every other night that is killing me. Every other moment of every day. I'm trying to get an appointment with a new therapist. I need help.

I don't know how to know you're making the right choice. With The Lying Pilot, I didn't have a choice. And that's maybe the closest kind of sad I've felt to this. But after 3 months I was wishing I could thank him for saving me from himself. I was grateful. I was still young.

With Bean, I had the promise of the unknown pushing me forward, because that was a tough decision too. But obviously when he realised he was gay however long it was later (less than a year tho, I think), it had been the right decision for us both. Varen was the easiest thing ever. I have never before been so excited about a break-up and the prospect of my own life. A weight was lifted.

Now, now I just want this boy back. And it's my choice, I guess. I can have him back, but what does that mean for the rest of my life? I never considered my life without kids. I have this idea of a happy family. And part of me isn't sure that The Trucker can give me that. In fact I'm pretty sure he can't because he has a different picture in his head. How much can you compromise. And who knows if that picture in your head, although it's what every person on your facebook timeline seems to have, is even attainable.

I'm facing the reality in my head that the people who are happily (?) married with kiddies have all been together for ages now. Well it seems that way to me. So maybe I have no chance of ever getting there. I feel like I've messed up my history with bad choices. They didn't seem so bad at the time but they clearly aren't getting me closer to where I wanted to be.

I don't want to be single again. I did it before, I survived. I like being part of something with someone. I'd like that to be more of a Team than The Trucker and I were (or probably would ever be), but I feel a lot like a cat trying to be put involuntarily into a bucket of water. I haven't looked up those 5 steps of grief, but I'm guessing based on this experience that right after Denial comes Bargaining. My head is desperately running rampant coming up with any possible alternate solution here, one where I get to keep this boy and life still turns out wonderfully and have children. But it hasn't managed any successful offerings yet :( I feel like the opposite of a Vampire right now. Daylight makes life seem manageable. But when the sun goes down I revert to a tearful hysterical mess.

I am a mess. A blubbering sad depressed lonely mess.

Puddle

Well, I guess that is that. We did not survive the weekend. Although we did spend the whole weekend together. I'm functioning on very little sleep and a heavy heart today.

Friday night was great fun. We baby-sat his niece. We took her to Adventure Golf at Brightwater. Let me tell you, you can only purchase 3 games at a time and that is definitely one game too many. It is just not that exciting. But we had a laugh, watching her hit the ball a million times and when asked how many shots it took, hearing her say "I think 3 or maybe 4". Haha. We stopped scoring about 3 holes into the evening.

After that we headed to Spur for dinner because there just weren't that many options at Brightwater (how does that centre survive?!). And hey, isn't that what you do on a Friday night when you have kids - haha. So yeah, the evening went well.

On Saturday we got up and headed to breakfast at Doppio and then to Sariga to get another kitchen quote for me. Haven't got it yet tho, made a few tweaks. We had a pretty relaxing Saturday afternoon ... well, I did, watching series while The Trucker worked next to me.

In the evening we got some take-out. I knew I'd have to ask on Sunday. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. If it was we would've talked about it already. But we were both hanging on for as long as we could.

We made crumpets with bacon for breakfast on Sunday morning and then he headed to cricket.

He brought over a pizza to share for lunch after cricket. I asked if we were going to talk about Friday. Later, after lunch, we did.

His mind hasn't changed. He still doesn't really want kids. He spoke to his therapist, who he's been thru this all with before. He still has good reasons for not wanting it. And I get how as much as he wants us to stay together, he can't compromise what he wants ... neither can I. Although I've never wished I didn't want children so much. And it has made me wonder. Giving up someone you have a mostly great relationship with for this thing you know nothing about and may never happen. How do you make these decisions. This is the hardest thing I've had to do.

We switched on the TV to distract us for the rest of the night. I made Sarah Graham's Awesome Peanut Sesame Chicken for dinner. He stayed over. We still like each other. Neither of us is angry. That's not entirely true, I think we're both probably a little angry that the other person didn't turn out to want the same things we did. Because, right now, that is honestly the only thing wrong with us. But if we carried on dating, it'd still never change. He has felt this way for years. And I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember.

It was hard this morning when we said goodbye but he didn't say "I'll speak to you later". Because he won't. I'll see him on Saturday for a wedding we'll still go to together. But he won't come to Cape Town over December and that will probably be that. I suppose we'll also have to plan when to swap all our stuff that is at the other's house. I guess that'll be this weekend too.

This sucks. I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much. Seriously, even tho there were some bumpy patches, I am crazy about that boy.

On the plus side, 13 December is no longer my break-up anniversary. Now it's just the whole of December I will have to ban myself seeing boyfriends during :P #sigh

Now what?

Nervous

Am a tumble of nerves today. The Trucker is off to see his therapist at some point during the day. I can't help but be terrified and know that I have a pretty good chance of writing on Monday morning that I find myself single again. :( I'd love to have even the vaguest idea of the odds here, but I really don't. It's tricky being in a place of trying to be hopeful but also preparing yourself for the worst. I'd love nothing more than for him to say hey, actually yeah, I'd love to have kids with you in the next few years, I think we can do it together. But based on his history (his previous break-up, which admittedly was 3yrs ago in January) and his gut reaction to our discussions already, as much as that's what I want to hear, I am more than 50% not expecting that to be the outcome. :( This totally sucks.

We've mostly had a good week. On Wednesday I went to watch Potted Potter at Montecasino with some friends. I loved it. Seriously it was quite brilliant. The 2 guys we saw, Gary & Jesse, were spot on.

The Trucker went out with @Toxic_Mouse and came over afterwards. This is where my week took a turn for the nervous. I dunno, maybe it's just all been in my head. After being almost positive in the first half of the week where The Trucker was adoring and wonderful, things changed on Wednesday night. I dunno, maybe we saw each other a little too much this week with all this stress hanging over us, maybe he just had one of those chats with his BFF, who while I like, isn't exactly the right perspective on what we're going thru (him being recently single and with no interest in kids, ever). Anyway, it is what it is. I can't change what'll happen from here ...

Last night The Trucker came over for an early dinner of Tuna Salad. It was such a nice evening to sit and eat outside :) And then we headed East to go watch a friend of his at her Roller Derby practice. Since watching Whip It! I was super keen. But this wasn't as good. It was just a practice and the rink was quite small. I think it has the same problem that The Trucker's Sunday cricket does ... we can't see the score, we barely know who won each round, we weren't invested in any particular team. Either way, I think it's pretty cool, although I'd be too terrified of the "contact" part to try.

Anyhoo. That's been my week. Stomach churning. I feel quite ill right now.

Contrary

This week has been okay. Nothing too exciting or out of the norm. Yes, life between The Trucker and I is continuing as normal. But I had mentioned in passing on Saturday morning that maybe he could go speak to someone "professional" about this, get some perspective from a neutral source. It was literally mentioned in passing and he said he'd try.

So on Monday I decided to be proactive and tried to set up a couples counseling session for us. I was kinda half expecting him to agree (he's not opposed to such things, which is unheard of to me!) and half to complain about how busy he is etc. etc. But he replied later in the day to say that he'd actually already set up a session with his therapist (I think he went previously when his dad died).

Wow. I am trying to not get my hopes up here. I am a little nervous that all the therapy session might do is confirm more solidly for him that having kids in the next few years is NOT something he actually wants to do. I kinda think it'd have been more likely to go my way with a couples session but this way I'm not there to give my side. I guess tho he has a point and he needs to figure this out for himself. And I am floored and amazed at this wonderful boy who has heard what I said and actually gone and done it without any nagging or reminding or prodding. I am one lucky girl, for now anyways.

It's this weird contrary situation where I'm trying not to get even more attached or in love with this boy, but still trying to soak up all the awesomeness I can in case it is nearly over :( For now we are just basking in mutual adoration and love ... which may make it all the more difficult if this goes badly. At least if he comes back from that therapy session and says that nope, he just can't do it, I'll hopefully be able to console myself with the fact he did everything he could, it wasn't a flippant decision at all.

Anyway, enough of the heavy stuff, the week has been quite nice. On Monday evening I went to dinner with @WhizBangLouLou. It has been *ages*. We stuck with tradition and went to Adega for their kilo of prawns :) Sadly for us tho, their website is horribly out of date and we planned (and drove) to go to their Greenside branch. Only to pull up outside a construction site. So we headed to Bryanston, one we knew would still be there! Although still a construction site :P The food was delish, as always. You really never go wrong with those prawns! But I couldn't eat a full kilo. Seriously people this has never happened with prawns.

Yesterday I worked from home. Partly because our projects are out of synch and there is very little happening work-wise for me at the moment. And I managed to get to the Licensing Department and finally get my car transferred into my own name.

Last night I went to SCM Dinner while The Trucker played Action Cricket. And he came over after. Awe. Adore. This. Boy.

We'll be Ostriches

Well, it was a surprisingly good weekend. Although a confusing one, but I am not dwelling on that. I had a rough Friday, anticipating my soon-to-be single status ... :( But The Trucker, bless him, went on with life as if nothing had ever happened. Seriously?

So yes, as I said, confusing. I know it's not ideal, and I still have to anticipate the coming crash, but for now I just want to enjoy what I have with him. We had a lovely weekend together, although other friends of ours weren't as lucky :( @Toxic_Mouse and his girlf broke up on Friday night. Seriously, there is something going around in the air. Bizarrely I was never really sure which of us couples would bring an end to our fledgling dinner club. At any given point in time, it could've been any one of us.

On Friday evening, The Trucker and I had an evening at home with pizza. This weekend has been horrendous for the eating plan. But I was finally feeling like I'd actually made a massive difference weight-wise so took the weekend off. Seriously, I finally bought new jeans this weekend. Although the Skinny Jeans still make me feel self-conscious (and why do they make them in size 38, 40 and 42 ... ?) and nearly brought a teary end to my shopping spree. The Trucker persevered and sent me back into the changing room time after time, even getting involved and asking the sales-ladies. Haha. Surreal. But he is a brilliant clothes shopper. In the sense that he walks in and stocks up on everything he needs without batting an eyelid. Me, I suck. And inevitably leave with nothing but a bad mood.

Anyway, we had a lovely lazy Saturday morning. We so needed it, it has been ages. We went for breakfast, we did some shopping admin. And then in the afternoon I left him relaxing at my house and headed off to Fresh at Hands on Retreat for High Tea. The weather wasn't exactly ideal, but it was still quite nice. The service is a bit erratic, but the nibbles were tasty (a few too few savouries for my liking). And of course taking 2 hours out on a Saturday afternoon to chat with some girls is never a bad thing :)

In the evening we headed to Simply Asia for some of their delish Tom Yum Goong and spring rolls. We followed that with some sushi at a new place that's opened next door. The Trucker has been craving sushi ... but there was nothing worthwhile showing at the movies (Bond has yet to open), which is when we usually have sushi.

When we got home, we watched End of Watch. I knew nothing about it, but apparently it got quite a high IMDB rating, and I do like Jake Gyllenhaal. I'd recommend it, the dialog and the characters are brilliant.

On Sunday The Trucker was up earlyish for cricket. I decided to get a head start at the shops. Turned out his cricket was cancelled (cause the pitch was soaked) so we headed to Cresta for some breakfast and shopping. We had a lazy Sunday afternoon at home and he made some delish curry for dinner. Yoh.

So yeah, we didn't talk that much about what had been said on Thursday. I did ask him if he'd go and speak to someone (like a therapist) in the next 2 weeks about it. To find out if it's really a not-negotiable for him. I looked at our lives this weekend and I really think we can do this ... I really want us to. I want him to realise that deciding to have kids with someone you actually want and who loves you is better than bailing and no doubt ending up having an Oopsie with some random person. But yeah, you can't change someones mind, you just have to hope they see things differently themselves. So for now I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up after such a lovely weekend together, he could just be avoiding the situation entirely.

This hasn't got any easier.

Turning Point

Well, I guess we all knew it was bound to happen. It took The Trucker a little by surprise tho. Last night he came over for dinner and I asked if he'd thought about things yet and if we had a future or not.

He hadn't. The problem is that I can think about nothing else. I feel like I'm suffocating. This whole limbo thing isn't working for me. I need to know we have a plan and we're heading in the same direction. Unfortunately, it turns out that we're probably not. He's going to think about it again. I gave him a lot more specifics this time.

The truth is that I am at that terrible age. The age I feel like a failure in spite of all I have done with my life so far. No one wants to marry me or have kids with me and like it or not these are not just things you can think positively about and make happen. They very definitely require the participation of a willing partner. And I don't have one. Yes he may end up having kids one day, but he can't say for sure. And he is quite unlikely to be able to agree to having them in the small window I feel like I still have open (the next 3 years, pretty much).

This is going to be hard, it's going to hurt. And I feel like my life is pretty much already over. I don't have any faith that breaking up with him will mean that I do get to have a child. All I know, and how The Peeb put it is, if you stay with him you pretty much know you won't. So the choice is really between deciding I could live with never having kids vs. deciding to open my life up to the possibility of it.

It is an awful place to be in. We are fine, we love and adore each other. But his life experience has moulded him into a very different person from me and he doesn't have the need or want for family life or see the up-side of having kids. The two example parents he could give me, he reckons all would not have their kids again, given the choice. While yes the parents in question do love their children and I have no doubt there are good times, all he sees is the impact on their lives and their ability to make choices. He sees it has having to decide, voluntarily, to allow some annoying, needy, noisy creature to take over your life and priorities for the next 18 or more years.

Yes, girls and boys are wired differently. I know there will be days where no doubt you just want to throw in the towel and give up and will wonder why on earth you chose to end up in this situation. But I still believe that if you're doing it together with someone, a team, then you can overcome it. And there will be good and amazing times. Joy and happiness at watching a little person grow and being able to show them the world and teach them about life.

I was willing to make many compromises for us to get there. Get married? Who cares (while yes, I would like to, I am not dead set on it needing to happen first). Live together? We can work around that. Have 2 kids? Maybe not. Have your own vs. adopt? I'd love to have my own, but if I can't I'm open to suggestion.

If you'd asked me 6 years ago, a lot of these would be not negotiable. Life has changed. My faith in life just working out for me the way I expected it to has long gone out the window. Now I'm just praying I haven't left it entirely too late. I realise I probably haven't made the best relationship choices so far: a guy who turned out to be gay, a guy who turned out to be more interested in someone else (cheater sounds a little cheap) and who I couldn't trust to be responsible for me or my child and now someone who just simply doesn't want one. I may have messed up irrecoverably and I'm not really sure how or where my life will end up once that ends up being the truth rather than just the likely. I will be broken.

It's very hard needing to rely on someone else. But I want to. I want to live a shared life where you both do things for the betterment of each other and your life together. And for the most part, I don't need to rely on someone else ... except for this one thing and I just can't seem to get it right. The right balance and kind of mutual need.

Anyway, we haven't broken up yet. I think it's kinda difficult for him to be going thru this all over again, actually. It's the same reason his last relationship ended. (I know, I know, I should have known I'd end up here. But I wanted to believe I'd be different and he'd be older and and and ...). He's going to think about the compromise. I agree, if you don't want to have kids it is the most impossible compromise ... but see, if you do want to have kids, at our age does a year or two earlier make that big a difference to him? Unfortunately I don't think the compromise he'd have to make is the one I was hoping for.

On the flip side I am very grateful I am dating someone who doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. Who isn't just agreeing in the hopes that somehow he'll want the same things I do in the next few years. Someone who isn't going to string me along. I do think he'd be fine given an Oopsie. But I just don't have that in me, I'd worry he'd end up resenting me for the rest of our lives. And let's face it, it wouldn't be an honest Oopsie, it'd have to be an active Oopsie on my part.

He says I think too much. I think in some ways he is exactly the same as me ... hoping that if you just love someone enough everything else will fall into place. Seems that's not how life works. I feel a little like if we break up now, I'm giving up. But this issue isn't going away, in fact it's causing me massive internal emotional turmoil, and the strain it's likely to put on our relationship would probably end it anyway.

I don't think we're going to be riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Other people make this look so easy. Sigh. I think I'll just go get myself some cats :P

*sad*

Now I can't figure out what I should do ... do my kitchen renovations, stay in Joburg where all my friends and my home which I love are or move back to Cape Town and start over ... at least if I'm there I could consider having a kid on my own with my folks help.

My First Girl Geek Dinner

Well it's been quite a busy week. That's how this time of the year goes, really. I'm looking at my calendar and really it's quite crazy.

So what has this week held ... On Monday night The Trucker came over for a quiet evening at home.

On Tuesday the Photo Cushions I'd ordered off a GroupOn Deal arrived :D I ordered one for myself (made up of 25 pics from all my trips since 2004 and now) and The Peeb and I decided to get one for my gran for Xmas (with photos of us). I actually prefer how this one came out, it had only 16 photos. I will say I was a little nervous because after they adjusted the photos I'd sent them, they looked quite washed out. But I didn't make any changes, I figure they have experimented and know what works best for printing. I'm pretty happy with it as an awesome novelty item. The material is pretty weird and a 50x50cm cushion is also a lot bigger than I thought - haha.



On Tuesday evening I headed to SCM Dinner. I haven't been in a while. Like I said, life is busy so it's the social engagement that takes the knock if I have too much else going on. It was quiet (only 5 of us), but good.




On Wednesday evening I went to the Girl Geek Dinner's First Birthday Dinner at Outer Limits. It was the first Girl Geek Dinner I've been to. I learned with the 27Dinners that they were the most fun when you were there with people you knew ... if not in real life, at least well-enough via Twitter. I'm not really there to network. I'm quite happy to meet some of the people I follow, but mostly it's usually just an interesting evening out (there are speakers) with friends for me.

Anyway, the venue was awful. I've never liked Outer Limits. We were in what felt like the dungeon: low ceiling, packed with tables, no space to walk between and chat to anyone beyond the 2 people within earshot (due to the music playing too loudly). Also there were *giant* pillars. Not the skinny round sort, big hulking squares of concrete you couldn't get your arms around if you tried. So the speaker portions were pretty dull for me. Although I could see the presentation screen, there was a huge pillar blocking the speaker from sight and making the sound not travel very well either. I think this also contributed to plenty of chit-chat while the speakers were up, which added to the inability to hear them clearly because the acoustics in that venue were obviously not geared to this sort of thing.

Aside from that, the Girl Geek portion of the evening was quite fun. We got a goodie bag that didn't really have too much of interest to me (spray tan voucher, anyone?), aside from a yummy cupcake by The Cupcake Lady (made for an excellent dessert). But thruout the evening there were so many prizes (seriously, they just kept coming!), just about everyone I was there with won one. I myself walked off with a box of Kiehl's products (apparently they've recently launched in South Africa). I've never heard of them, and I'm not a great beauty-product kinda girl. But apparently this stuff is amazing (based on the response of the only girl there that I knew who actually knew and uses the brand). And I tried my first Jimmijagga, which they provided as a welcome drink. I really quite liked it :) I had the Pink Spritzer.

Unfortunately the venue, I think was a huge let down. Aside from the actual area itself, the service was pretty erratic. And then there was the food. I couldn't decide what to order and ended up with huge order envy. I was going to have the Vegetarian Nacho's, but at the last minute switched to the Chicken Schnitzel. Boy was that a mistake I regretted. The Nachos were huge and looked (and were) tasty with good-sized sides portions of sour cream, guacamole, salsa & chili. Our schnitzels arrived without cheese sauce. We didn't even know they were supposed to have until the rest of our table's plates arrived. So we waited. We did eventually get some, thankfully. I couldn't finish my schnitzel tho, you could taste the fat between the chicken and the batter. It similar to KFC in that regard. Which some people may enjoy. Me, not so much. It just left me with a greasy taste in my mouth.

So, aside from the venue choice, it was all in all a good fun evening :) I think I might go again, if they relocate (which I gather they do for each event).

The other good news to arrive this week is that FNB has converted my home load into a Flexi-Bond. This means I can access all the additional funds I've put in there over and above my bond repayments. And you know what that means? I think I may just do my renovations! Am off to Easy Life Kitchens this afternoon to get my 2nd quote on the kitchen. I'm nervous and excited. Eep.

The Wonder Spot by Melissa Bank

Meet Sophie Applebaum, an everywoman who doesn't quite fit in anywhere. She's looking for a career - but lacks a calling; looking for love - but winds up with men who put her off instead of pull her in. The women she befriends want a girl who's strong but who can't say no. At drinks parties, she feels like a solid trying to do a liquid's job. It isn't easy to find your place in the world, but Sophie's willing to work at it. And with every false step, she might just be getting closer to creating the life she wants to have...

This was a very meandering book. I'm not really sure it helped my state of mind lately. It's certainly one of those real-life sort of stories where things just kind of happen. I dunno. Each chapter was just a snippet of her life, an anecdote. I think this is one of those books I'd barely remember I'd already read if I picked it up again another time ...

Another Cape Town Visit

Shew. I certainly feel like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend! What I have definitely been is short on lazy lie-ins with The Trucker! Has been a crazy last few weeks and while things generally feel okay, things haven't really had time to settle because we've both been so busy.

I worked from home on Friday. Mostly to let the bunnies have a good run around and allow me to keep an eye on them. I am very happy to say that both Lily & Rex seem in perfect health still. I'll stop worrying after this week, but tonight will be their last dose of Panacur. The Trucker did an awesome job looking after and medicating them while I was gone :D

But that did mean I got to spend a little more time with him on Friday morning. He slept later and we both worked but we got to have breakfast together and there's just something about having someone just around your space that feels good :)

Later in the afternoon, I flew down to Cape Town for the weekend, for The Peeb's 30th Birthday Dinner on Saturday night. Our flight was delayed due to the weather tho, first time I've been sitting in a plane grounded due to hail! It was noisy. Haha.

When I arrived, Daddio and I headed to Rock for a late dinner. I had their Bang Bang Chicken ... I think that's what it was? It was like crispy chicken pieces with sesame seeds. Very nice. And then I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Mom to come and fetch me.

On Saturday, Mom & I did some shopping and a lot of prep for the big dinner. Mom decided to host all 13 guests for dinner at her house ... and cater! It worked out really well tho :) I made those skewers again and fried up some haloumi for the salad. Mom made potato salad and a green salad to go with the fillet and roast chicken. For dessert she'd been baking all week! We had little brownies, hazelnut meringues and lemon curds. No sticking to an eating plan here. Shew was absolutely stuffed by the end of it!

On Sunday morning we headed out to our Beach Cottage. We're going to be doing some renovations so needed to get everyone's agreement ... which with 6 owners is harder than you think!! Luckily I think some progress was made :) It was an absolutely beautiful day ... sadly I didn't have any time to enjoy more than the view because I had to head back to the airport for my flight home.

After a mad dash to do the weekly shop after landing, I headed home and was thrilled to see my bunnies again ... and The Trucker who came over after cricket at about 7pm.

My mind is in a weird place after spending time with my family, as it usually is ... I see my 20yr old cousin and I feel old. Well, I think the problem is that I don't feel old. I still feel young. But I am definitely starting to panic about my biological clock and what not. And I'm terrified for my relationship with The Trucker because I have huge doubts that he is going to want to have kids before he thinks he is ready ... and who knows if he'll ever be ready. But I've realised more than ever that I have very little time left (about 3 years) to get my family started. I hear my 17yr old cousins complaining to their 60yr old dad about how old he is and why didn't he have kids 10yrs earlier. I work out that if I have my kid at 35 and my kids have their kids then too ... I will be 70 before I have grandchildren ... which is always something I've looked forward to. I realise that this is the same age my gran was when my youngest cousins were born. I know without a doubt that they missed out on the things I got to enjoy about my grandparents. I have tried to adjust my mindset as much as I can ... my gran was 34 when she had my mom. But my mom was her youngest. I dunno how we get this right anymore. It is depressing me. More so because I feel quite alone .... although I know I have plenty of friends in similar situations, I feel alone because The Trucker doesn't really understand at all and isn't even close to being in the same place mentally. Are boys ever?

Life sure would be simpler if I didn't want kids. I used to think if I hadn't met someone I would do it alone ... which would involve moving home to Cape Town to ensure I had my folks for support, but I'm beginning to doubt if I could manage it anyway. Life: A lot more complicated than it should be. How do other people make it look so easy? People seem to be falling pregnant by accident all around me ...

Delightful Dinner

The Trucker worked from my house a little yesterday morning to let Lily & Rex have some run-around time ... it's the only time you can really tell if they're acting normal cause in their hutch they mostly sleep. Today I'm working from home and they are busy running around :) Both seem in perfect health. But I won't really stop worrying till next week. Trying to give them their Panacur last night was a laugh. They are impossible and it ended up all over the place! Hopefully The Trucker will have better luck this weekend ... otherwise I've told him he is quite welcome to take them to the vet and ask them to do it. I'm off to Cape Town a little later for The Peeb's 30th birthday party (her actual bday was on Monday). Sheesh. I feel old, my little sister is 30. Hell, my boyfriend isn't even 30! Eep. Haha.

Yesterday afternoon was my last Boot Camp class for the year. I've signed up for the January one already tho :) The Trucker got to come and try the class out, the booys had to bring R50 to donate to CANSA. Was a surprisingly well attended class and all us girls laughed at how easy they went on us with the boys there - haha. He had fun tho, I think :) It was a nice novelty.

In the evening I'd planned a Surprise Date Night (since I am away all weekend and he is doing an even bigger favour for me now with the bunnies). I took him to the Fire & Ice Hotel Restaurant in Melrose Arch. Wow. I had heard their burgers & milkshakes were good and we were not disappointed :)

We started with their Spicy Tiger Salad to share. Oh the flavours were superb! Then we both had a 150g Beef Burger. The Trucker had their peri-peri pervert sauce and I couldn't resist the Dark Lindt & Chili sauce. Oh my, both were so good! It'd seriously be tough if we went back because I loved the Lindt sauce so much, I'd be seriously tempted to have it again. But there are so many others that sound amazing to try! Haha. First World Problems.

And, of course, we saved the milkshakes as dessert. We decided to spread the love and instead of just getting a full-sized milkshake each, we decided to get 3 half-pints (smaller) ones to share ... gotta try taste as much of the goodness as we can!

We had the Pumpkin, Marshmallow & Caramel, the Aero and the Peanut Butter and Banana (hands down, the best). Shew. It was still a lot of milkshake!

I'd highly recommend you try this spot.

My Poor Sweet Coal

Where to even begin :(

So on Monday morning my vet phoned me about Coal's wet chin. He wasn't too worried, there are lots of potential reasons. The worst of which would be an abscess in the back of her mouth. He said they'd need to sedate her and do a scope exploration ... bunnies aren't really good with opening wide to let you just take a look. But he said it wasn't too urgent. Although there is nothing we could do if that was the problem, there really was nothing, whether we caught it sooner or later. I planned to take her in on Tuesday evening and leave her there for Wednesday so I would have more time on Wednesday evening (since I don't have boot camp that evening) to chat with them when I collected her. Life had other plans.

After Boot Camp on Monday evening, I let them out the hutch. I picked Coal up to check if her chin was wet ... I was still trying to figure out if it was just perhaps when she'd been outside and munching on wet grass or succulent plants. I noticed she seemed to have wet herself ... which is very weird for a bunny, I've never really experienced that with any of them before.

I let them out and went to shower. Afterwards I started dinner and went to check on them. I noticed that her right hind leg seemed to be a little "slow". I dunno quite how to describe it. It wasn't quite like she was dragging it and it was entirely limp ... but it was definitely sluggish. I went into a panic, I won't lie. It was about 18h25 and my vet closes at half past.

I phoned to say I was on my way, wait for me! There was a bit of discussion about this ... but eventually they said fine, come thru. Rex & Lily were easy to hutch. I locked the house up in a spin and raced to the vet.

My normal vet wasn't available and the guy I saw definitely thought I was being a crazy-bunny-mom. He couldn't see anything wrong with her. Obviously she is a prey animal and was covering her weaknesses in a foreign and stressful environment. But I knew something wasn't right. I left her there.

On Tuesday I didn't hear from the vet till about 3pm. They'd done the mouth scope and all looked fine, except for a little abscess on her tongue that we'd seen on Saturday. They were giving her antibiotics. They hadn't seen her limp all morning. But in the afternoon, the vet took her out onto the grass and he saw exactly what I'd been talking about. He was a little worried. I asked if they could have strokes. It was a possibility. But he said he'd X-Ray her leg to find out if it was a fracture or bone degeneration. They'd be keeping her another night.

It was raining when I got home on Tuesday so I skipped Boot Camp and went swimming at the gym instead. On my way home I decided to pop in and visit her. I assumed she was still drugged from the X-Ray (they're not so good at sitting still for these things). She didn't respond to me, she could hardly lift her head and couldn't seem to control her front legs.

I cuddled with her for a bit, but she seemed completely out of it, so I left. I didn't get to see the vet, he was busy with a consult.

Yesterday morning he phoned. Coal had died overnight :( *sob* She hadn't been drugged from the X-Ray. They hadn't bothered to do one because by the time they were about to she was showing additional symptoms confirming it was neurological, floppy bunny syndrome. In all likelyhood, it was the same parasite that killed Bell & Henna 4 years ago, Encephalitozoon Cuniculi.

My poor sweet friendly Coal. I left work early yesterday. I bundled Lily & Rex into the car and took them to the vet. They've been started on a course of Panacur again. I am terrified for them now. I cleaned and literally hosed down the hutch yesterday afternoon. Lily was quite out of sorts all evening.

I am gonna miss this bunny, a lot. She was the friendliest of all of them. She'd come up to me and climb all over me. She wasn't afraid of people like the other 2 are. Admittedly, they've been cuddled and held far more yesterday than they're used to too.

Twitching

Oh, another thing I completely forgot ... I am absolutely loving my little garden in it's over grown summer glory at the moment. And I'm feeding the birds like a crazy person. I love sitting on my bench, barely reading my book, watching the birds & bunnies at play. And this weekend I had some new bird-types join in. The regulars are Weavers & Sparrows.

I get a few Cape Robins quite often. Then there is an Indian Myna pair (they're a bit annoying) and a Common Bulbul pair (I like them, they come for the fruit) that are around on weekends when I put out more than the usual seed. I fill a feeding tray with banana, grated cheese and peanut butter.

Sadly they haven't found my nectar feeder yet :(

This weekend I saw my first Mannikin (I had 2 of them around). And my all-time favourite, I had 3 Red Bishop birds at one time :) I love their colouring, it contrasts so nicely with the Weaver boys.

And I saw a White Eye on the weekend too, which I have never seen in Joburg before. We used to have loads of them in Cape Town tho.

Normalness

I so wasn't ready for this weekend to end ... for one thing, I haven't had a lazy morning with The Trucker since last Saturday, and there's no chance this weekend either (I'm off to Cape Town!).

But, that aside, the weekend was certainly an improvement on last week! He headed off to visit him mom in the Free State for Friday night (it had been his gran's birthday on Thursday). He did invite me to go along, but I decided to stay here after our rocky week. Easing back into things slowly.

I had a good Friday evening. Drinks after work and then I got myself a Chicken Mahknie & some butter naan and settled in front of the TV to watch True Blood. Unfortunately I don't have the season finale, which does kinda put a damper on things ... but anyway. The real plus side was that after a week of almost complete silence between The Trucker and I, we were messaging plenty on Friday. So the distance was good to remind us that we did want to be together.

On Saturday morning I did some random admin. Took the Bundles to the vet, well only Rex & Coal. They both needed a nail clipping and Coal has been worrying me lately ... my usual vet wasn't there, but hopefully I'll hear from him this week. I have a horrible feeling she's not doing that well :( I suppose she is 4 years old this month.

Anyway, The Trucker only came over at about 15h30 before we headed off to the Linkin Park concert at 16h00. We headed thru and parked the car near to the exit and enjoyed an impromptu Woolies picnic :)

Sheesh, I'd never been to the FNB Stadium / Soccer City before. It is a truly impressive structure. And inside it's massive! And it was packed. Thank goodness it didn't rain!


Unfortunately, I don't think they've quite figured out the acoustics for the place yet tho. I think the Kongos were okay, but I only knew 2 or 3 of their songs and I definitely couldn't have learned any lyrics to the others from what I heard on Saturday night :P

 
Linkin Park eventually came on (I think the almost hour between bands was a little long). In the end they were pretty awesome and I'm super glad I went and saw them. They've been on my See-Live list for almost forever! But their acoustics also didn't start out very well. We all sort of sat there staring as they started the first song, thinking I'm sure I know this, but what is it? What is he saying? It did improve tho. And perhaps it was just a matter of their sort of lyrics, either very fast or screamed. I dunno. But by the end my voice was hoarse from singing along. Loved it.

Oh, and sometime in the middle of the show, I looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star. It was amazing :)

On Sunday morning, The Trucker was up and off before 6am for the 94.7 Mountain Bike Race. He did so well, did the 30km in just over 2hrs. I'm proud, it was his first race :) I slept in and then headed off to Newscafe with a bunch of the SCM crowd for their R20 early bird breakfast deal.

Then I did some grocery shopping before heading home. The Trucker cam over and we had a very relaxed afternoon, including a 2hr nap for him. He made us pasta for dinner. Unfortunately it was overly rich and we were both feeling over-full by the time we headed to bed. It was a cabonara and it had such potential ;) But still, just watching him in the kitchen makes my heart skip.

We watched Rock of Ages. Rubbish. I don't actually know how we sat thru all 2hrs of it, more especially because The Trucker hates musicals. I'd heard Tom Cruise was pretty good in it. And it had a rather star-studded cast. But it was like a poor attempt at Coyote Ugly. Urgh. Anyway.

We Survived.

I have specifically avoided writing this week. It's been a super bad week between The Trucker and I. Super Bad. I really thought I'd be writing a different post this morning. I thought we'd break up last night. I'm happy to report we didn't.

Don't misunderstand, while he was thinking he'd be breaking up with me, I was thinking I'd be the one breaking up with him. It was that bad a week.

We have barely spoken since Saturday morning. We fought on Saturday night. We didn't see each other till last night. Sometimes space can be constructive and sometimes it can be destructive. This time I found it helpful. Well, in the sense that I had built things up and tore them down all in my own head before we spoke. If we'd seen each other sooner, I'm not sure we'd still be together right now.

I have prepared emotionally all week for a break up. It went from the (I thought) minor incident on Saturday to a full blown, where-is-this-going place in my head. And yes, down the line I may have to make some tough decisions about what I want in my life and whether we are aligned closely enough in those things.

For the meantime, I've just asked him to think about his future, what he wants for it and if I'm actually in it. He doesn't seem to think much about things to come and, instead, lives more in the right here and right now. Which has been partially a good lesson for me (because I've always been wrapped up in future planning ... none of it has happened according to plan yet tho :P) but has also been hard because it's not my natural state. He had some good points about what was bothering him too and what Saturday's incident was, for him, the final straw.

I think we're okay for now again. And I'm glad about that. Yesterday I wasn't feeling at all positive there was any possibility of an outcome that involved us staying together. But we found a way.