Nervous

Am a tumble of nerves today. The Trucker is off to see his therapist at some point during the day. I can't help but be terrified and know that I have a pretty good chance of writing on Monday morning that I find myself single again. :( I'd love to have even the vaguest idea of the odds here, but I really don't. It's tricky being in a place of trying to be hopeful but also preparing yourself for the worst. I'd love nothing more than for him to say hey, actually yeah, I'd love to have kids with you in the next few years, I think we can do it together. But based on his history (his previous break-up, which admittedly was 3yrs ago in January) and his gut reaction to our discussions already, as much as that's what I want to hear, I am more than 50% not expecting that to be the outcome. :( This totally sucks.

We've mostly had a good week. On Wednesday I went to watch Potted Potter at Montecasino with some friends. I loved it. Seriously it was quite brilliant. The 2 guys we saw, Gary & Jesse, were spot on.

The Trucker went out with @Toxic_Mouse and came over afterwards. This is where my week took a turn for the nervous. I dunno, maybe it's just all been in my head. After being almost positive in the first half of the week where The Trucker was adoring and wonderful, things changed on Wednesday night. I dunno, maybe we saw each other a little too much this week with all this stress hanging over us, maybe he just had one of those chats with his BFF, who while I like, isn't exactly the right perspective on what we're going thru (him being recently single and with no interest in kids, ever). Anyway, it is what it is. I can't change what'll happen from here ...

Last night The Trucker came over for an early dinner of Tuna Salad. It was such a nice evening to sit and eat outside :) And then we headed East to go watch a friend of his at her Roller Derby practice. Since watching Whip It! I was super keen. But this wasn't as good. It was just a practice and the rink was quite small. I think it has the same problem that The Trucker's Sunday cricket does ... we can't see the score, we barely know who won each round, we weren't invested in any particular team. Either way, I think it's pretty cool, although I'd be too terrified of the "contact" part to try.

Anyhoo. That's been my week. Stomach churning. I feel quite ill right now.

Contrary

This week has been okay. Nothing too exciting or out of the norm. Yes, life between The Trucker and I is continuing as normal. But I had mentioned in passing on Saturday morning that maybe he could go speak to someone "professional" about this, get some perspective from a neutral source. It was literally mentioned in passing and he said he'd try.

So on Monday I decided to be proactive and tried to set up a couples counseling session for us. I was kinda half expecting him to agree (he's not opposed to such things, which is unheard of to me!) and half to complain about how busy he is etc. etc. But he replied later in the day to say that he'd actually already set up a session with his therapist (I think he went previously when his dad died).

Wow. I am trying to not get my hopes up here. I am a little nervous that all the therapy session might do is confirm more solidly for him that having kids in the next few years is NOT something he actually wants to do. I kinda think it'd have been more likely to go my way with a couples session but this way I'm not there to give my side. I guess tho he has a point and he needs to figure this out for himself. And I am floored and amazed at this wonderful boy who has heard what I said and actually gone and done it without any nagging or reminding or prodding. I am one lucky girl, for now anyways.

It's this weird contrary situation where I'm trying not to get even more attached or in love with this boy, but still trying to soak up all the awesomeness I can in case it is nearly over :( For now we are just basking in mutual adoration and love ... which may make it all the more difficult if this goes badly. At least if he comes back from that therapy session and says that nope, he just can't do it, I'll hopefully be able to console myself with the fact he did everything he could, it wasn't a flippant decision at all.

Anyway, enough of the heavy stuff, the week has been quite nice. On Monday evening I went to dinner with @WhizBangLouLou. It has been *ages*. We stuck with tradition and went to Adega for their kilo of prawns :) Sadly for us tho, their website is horribly out of date and we planned (and drove) to go to their Greenside branch. Only to pull up outside a construction site. So we headed to Bryanston, one we knew would still be there! Although still a construction site :P The food was delish, as always. You really never go wrong with those prawns! But I couldn't eat a full kilo. Seriously people this has never happened with prawns.

Yesterday I worked from home. Partly because our projects are out of synch and there is very little happening work-wise for me at the moment. And I managed to get to the Licensing Department and finally get my car transferred into my own name.

Last night I went to SCM Dinner while The Trucker played Action Cricket. And he came over after. Awe. Adore. This. Boy.

We'll be Ostriches

Well, it was a surprisingly good weekend. Although a confusing one, but I am not dwelling on that. I had a rough Friday, anticipating my soon-to-be single status ... :( But The Trucker, bless him, went on with life as if nothing had ever happened. Seriously?

So yes, as I said, confusing. I know it's not ideal, and I still have to anticipate the coming crash, but for now I just want to enjoy what I have with him. We had a lovely weekend together, although other friends of ours weren't as lucky :( @Toxic_Mouse and his girlf broke up on Friday night. Seriously, there is something going around in the air. Bizarrely I was never really sure which of us couples would bring an end to our fledgling dinner club. At any given point in time, it could've been any one of us.

On Friday evening, The Trucker and I had an evening at home with pizza. This weekend has been horrendous for the eating plan. But I was finally feeling like I'd actually made a massive difference weight-wise so took the weekend off. Seriously, I finally bought new jeans this weekend. Although the Skinny Jeans still make me feel self-conscious (and why do they make them in size 38, 40 and 42 ... ?) and nearly brought a teary end to my shopping spree. The Trucker persevered and sent me back into the changing room time after time, even getting involved and asking the sales-ladies. Haha. Surreal. But he is a brilliant clothes shopper. In the sense that he walks in and stocks up on everything he needs without batting an eyelid. Me, I suck. And inevitably leave with nothing but a bad mood.

Anyway, we had a lovely lazy Saturday morning. We so needed it, it has been ages. We went for breakfast, we did some shopping admin. And then in the afternoon I left him relaxing at my house and headed off to Fresh at Hands on Retreat for High Tea. The weather wasn't exactly ideal, but it was still quite nice. The service is a bit erratic, but the nibbles were tasty (a few too few savouries for my liking). And of course taking 2 hours out on a Saturday afternoon to chat with some girls is never a bad thing :)

In the evening we headed to Simply Asia for some of their delish Tom Yum Goong and spring rolls. We followed that with some sushi at a new place that's opened next door. The Trucker has been craving sushi ... but there was nothing worthwhile showing at the movies (Bond has yet to open), which is when we usually have sushi.

When we got home, we watched End of Watch. I knew nothing about it, but apparently it got quite a high IMDB rating, and I do like Jake Gyllenhaal. I'd recommend it, the dialog and the characters are brilliant.

On Sunday The Trucker was up earlyish for cricket. I decided to get a head start at the shops. Turned out his cricket was cancelled (cause the pitch was soaked) so we headed to Cresta for some breakfast and shopping. We had a lazy Sunday afternoon at home and he made some delish curry for dinner. Yoh.

So yeah, we didn't talk that much about what had been said on Thursday. I did ask him if he'd go and speak to someone (like a therapist) in the next 2 weeks about it. To find out if it's really a not-negotiable for him. I looked at our lives this weekend and I really think we can do this ... I really want us to. I want him to realise that deciding to have kids with someone you actually want and who loves you is better than bailing and no doubt ending up having an Oopsie with some random person. But yeah, you can't change someones mind, you just have to hope they see things differently themselves. So for now I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up after such a lovely weekend together, he could just be avoiding the situation entirely.

This hasn't got any easier.

Turning Point

Well, I guess we all knew it was bound to happen. It took The Trucker a little by surprise tho. Last night he came over for dinner and I asked if he'd thought about things yet and if we had a future or not.

He hadn't. The problem is that I can think about nothing else. I feel like I'm suffocating. This whole limbo thing isn't working for me. I need to know we have a plan and we're heading in the same direction. Unfortunately, it turns out that we're probably not. He's going to think about it again. I gave him a lot more specifics this time.

The truth is that I am at that terrible age. The age I feel like a failure in spite of all I have done with my life so far. No one wants to marry me or have kids with me and like it or not these are not just things you can think positively about and make happen. They very definitely require the participation of a willing partner. And I don't have one. Yes he may end up having kids one day, but he can't say for sure. And he is quite unlikely to be able to agree to having them in the small window I feel like I still have open (the next 3 years, pretty much).

This is going to be hard, it's going to hurt. And I feel like my life is pretty much already over. I don't have any faith that breaking up with him will mean that I do get to have a child. All I know, and how The Peeb put it is, if you stay with him you pretty much know you won't. So the choice is really between deciding I could live with never having kids vs. deciding to open my life up to the possibility of it.

It is an awful place to be in. We are fine, we love and adore each other. But his life experience has moulded him into a very different person from me and he doesn't have the need or want for family life or see the up-side of having kids. The two example parents he could give me, he reckons all would not have their kids again, given the choice. While yes the parents in question do love their children and I have no doubt there are good times, all he sees is the impact on their lives and their ability to make choices. He sees it has having to decide, voluntarily, to allow some annoying, needy, noisy creature to take over your life and priorities for the next 18 or more years.

Yes, girls and boys are wired differently. I know there will be days where no doubt you just want to throw in the towel and give up and will wonder why on earth you chose to end up in this situation. But I still believe that if you're doing it together with someone, a team, then you can overcome it. And there will be good and amazing times. Joy and happiness at watching a little person grow and being able to show them the world and teach them about life.

I was willing to make many compromises for us to get there. Get married? Who cares (while yes, I would like to, I am not dead set on it needing to happen first). Live together? We can work around that. Have 2 kids? Maybe not. Have your own vs. adopt? I'd love to have my own, but if I can't I'm open to suggestion.

If you'd asked me 6 years ago, a lot of these would be not negotiable. Life has changed. My faith in life just working out for me the way I expected it to has long gone out the window. Now I'm just praying I haven't left it entirely too late. I realise I probably haven't made the best relationship choices so far: a guy who turned out to be gay, a guy who turned out to be more interested in someone else (cheater sounds a little cheap) and who I couldn't trust to be responsible for me or my child and now someone who just simply doesn't want one. I may have messed up irrecoverably and I'm not really sure how or where my life will end up once that ends up being the truth rather than just the likely. I will be broken.

It's very hard needing to rely on someone else. But I want to. I want to live a shared life where you both do things for the betterment of each other and your life together. And for the most part, I don't need to rely on someone else ... except for this one thing and I just can't seem to get it right. The right balance and kind of mutual need.

Anyway, we haven't broken up yet. I think it's kinda difficult for him to be going thru this all over again, actually. It's the same reason his last relationship ended. (I know, I know, I should have known I'd end up here. But I wanted to believe I'd be different and he'd be older and and and ...). He's going to think about the compromise. I agree, if you don't want to have kids it is the most impossible compromise ... but see, if you do want to have kids, at our age does a year or two earlier make that big a difference to him? Unfortunately I don't think the compromise he'd have to make is the one I was hoping for.

On the flip side I am very grateful I am dating someone who doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. Who isn't just agreeing in the hopes that somehow he'll want the same things I do in the next few years. Someone who isn't going to string me along. I do think he'd be fine given an Oopsie. But I just don't have that in me, I'd worry he'd end up resenting me for the rest of our lives. And let's face it, it wouldn't be an honest Oopsie, it'd have to be an active Oopsie on my part.

He says I think too much. I think in some ways he is exactly the same as me ... hoping that if you just love someone enough everything else will fall into place. Seems that's not how life works. I feel a little like if we break up now, I'm giving up. But this issue isn't going away, in fact it's causing me massive internal emotional turmoil, and the strain it's likely to put on our relationship would probably end it anyway.

I don't think we're going to be riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Other people make this look so easy. Sigh. I think I'll just go get myself some cats :P

*sad*

Now I can't figure out what I should do ... do my kitchen renovations, stay in Joburg where all my friends and my home which I love are or move back to Cape Town and start over ... at least if I'm there I could consider having a kid on my own with my folks help.

My First Girl Geek Dinner

Well it's been quite a busy week. That's how this time of the year goes, really. I'm looking at my calendar and really it's quite crazy.

So what has this week held ... On Monday night The Trucker came over for a quiet evening at home.

On Tuesday the Photo Cushions I'd ordered off a GroupOn Deal arrived :D I ordered one for myself (made up of 25 pics from all my trips since 2004 and now) and The Peeb and I decided to get one for my gran for Xmas (with photos of us). I actually prefer how this one came out, it had only 16 photos. I will say I was a little nervous because after they adjusted the photos I'd sent them, they looked quite washed out. But I didn't make any changes, I figure they have experimented and know what works best for printing. I'm pretty happy with it as an awesome novelty item. The material is pretty weird and a 50x50cm cushion is also a lot bigger than I thought - haha.



On Tuesday evening I headed to SCM Dinner. I haven't been in a while. Like I said, life is busy so it's the social engagement that takes the knock if I have too much else going on. It was quiet (only 5 of us), but good.




On Wednesday evening I went to the Girl Geek Dinner's First Birthday Dinner at Outer Limits. It was the first Girl Geek Dinner I've been to. I learned with the 27Dinners that they were the most fun when you were there with people you knew ... if not in real life, at least well-enough via Twitter. I'm not really there to network. I'm quite happy to meet some of the people I follow, but mostly it's usually just an interesting evening out (there are speakers) with friends for me.

Anyway, the venue was awful. I've never liked Outer Limits. We were in what felt like the dungeon: low ceiling, packed with tables, no space to walk between and chat to anyone beyond the 2 people within earshot (due to the music playing too loudly). Also there were *giant* pillars. Not the skinny round sort, big hulking squares of concrete you couldn't get your arms around if you tried. So the speaker portions were pretty dull for me. Although I could see the presentation screen, there was a huge pillar blocking the speaker from sight and making the sound not travel very well either. I think this also contributed to plenty of chit-chat while the speakers were up, which added to the inability to hear them clearly because the acoustics in that venue were obviously not geared to this sort of thing.

Aside from that, the Girl Geek portion of the evening was quite fun. We got a goodie bag that didn't really have too much of interest to me (spray tan voucher, anyone?), aside from a yummy cupcake by The Cupcake Lady (made for an excellent dessert). But thruout the evening there were so many prizes (seriously, they just kept coming!), just about everyone I was there with won one. I myself walked off with a box of Kiehl's products (apparently they've recently launched in South Africa). I've never heard of them, and I'm not a great beauty-product kinda girl. But apparently this stuff is amazing (based on the response of the only girl there that I knew who actually knew and uses the brand). And I tried my first Jimmijagga, which they provided as a welcome drink. I really quite liked it :) I had the Pink Spritzer.

Unfortunately the venue, I think was a huge let down. Aside from the actual area itself, the service was pretty erratic. And then there was the food. I couldn't decide what to order and ended up with huge order envy. I was going to have the Vegetarian Nacho's, but at the last minute switched to the Chicken Schnitzel. Boy was that a mistake I regretted. The Nachos were huge and looked (and were) tasty with good-sized sides portions of sour cream, guacamole, salsa & chili. Our schnitzels arrived without cheese sauce. We didn't even know they were supposed to have until the rest of our table's plates arrived. So we waited. We did eventually get some, thankfully. I couldn't finish my schnitzel tho, you could taste the fat between the chicken and the batter. It similar to KFC in that regard. Which some people may enjoy. Me, not so much. It just left me with a greasy taste in my mouth.

So, aside from the venue choice, it was all in all a good fun evening :) I think I might go again, if they relocate (which I gather they do for each event).

The other good news to arrive this week is that FNB has converted my home load into a Flexi-Bond. This means I can access all the additional funds I've put in there over and above my bond repayments. And you know what that means? I think I may just do my renovations! Am off to Easy Life Kitchens this afternoon to get my 2nd quote on the kitchen. I'm nervous and excited. Eep.

The Wonder Spot by Melissa Bank

Meet Sophie Applebaum, an everywoman who doesn't quite fit in anywhere. She's looking for a career - but lacks a calling; looking for love - but winds up with men who put her off instead of pull her in. The women she befriends want a girl who's strong but who can't say no. At drinks parties, she feels like a solid trying to do a liquid's job. It isn't easy to find your place in the world, but Sophie's willing to work at it. And with every false step, she might just be getting closer to creating the life she wants to have...

This was a very meandering book. I'm not really sure it helped my state of mind lately. It's certainly one of those real-life sort of stories where things just kind of happen. I dunno. Each chapter was just a snippet of her life, an anecdote. I think this is one of those books I'd barely remember I'd already read if I picked it up again another time ...

Another Cape Town Visit

Shew. I certainly feel like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend! What I have definitely been is short on lazy lie-ins with The Trucker! Has been a crazy last few weeks and while things generally feel okay, things haven't really had time to settle because we've both been so busy.

I worked from home on Friday. Mostly to let the bunnies have a good run around and allow me to keep an eye on them. I am very happy to say that both Lily & Rex seem in perfect health still. I'll stop worrying after this week, but tonight will be their last dose of Panacur. The Trucker did an awesome job looking after and medicating them while I was gone :D

But that did mean I got to spend a little more time with him on Friday morning. He slept later and we both worked but we got to have breakfast together and there's just something about having someone just around your space that feels good :)

Later in the afternoon, I flew down to Cape Town for the weekend, for The Peeb's 30th Birthday Dinner on Saturday night. Our flight was delayed due to the weather tho, first time I've been sitting in a plane grounded due to hail! It was noisy. Haha.

When I arrived, Daddio and I headed to Rock for a late dinner. I had their Bang Bang Chicken ... I think that's what it was? It was like crispy chicken pieces with sesame seeds. Very nice. And then I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Mom to come and fetch me.

On Saturday, Mom & I did some shopping and a lot of prep for the big dinner. Mom decided to host all 13 guests for dinner at her house ... and cater! It worked out really well tho :) I made those skewers again and fried up some haloumi for the salad. Mom made potato salad and a green salad to go with the fillet and roast chicken. For dessert she'd been baking all week! We had little brownies, hazelnut meringues and lemon curds. No sticking to an eating plan here. Shew was absolutely stuffed by the end of it!

On Sunday morning we headed out to our Beach Cottage. We're going to be doing some renovations so needed to get everyone's agreement ... which with 6 owners is harder than you think!! Luckily I think some progress was made :) It was an absolutely beautiful day ... sadly I didn't have any time to enjoy more than the view because I had to head back to the airport for my flight home.

After a mad dash to do the weekly shop after landing, I headed home and was thrilled to see my bunnies again ... and The Trucker who came over after cricket at about 7pm.

My mind is in a weird place after spending time with my family, as it usually is ... I see my 20yr old cousin and I feel old. Well, I think the problem is that I don't feel old. I still feel young. But I am definitely starting to panic about my biological clock and what not. And I'm terrified for my relationship with The Trucker because I have huge doubts that he is going to want to have kids before he thinks he is ready ... and who knows if he'll ever be ready. But I've realised more than ever that I have very little time left (about 3 years) to get my family started. I hear my 17yr old cousins complaining to their 60yr old dad about how old he is and why didn't he have kids 10yrs earlier. I work out that if I have my kid at 35 and my kids have their kids then too ... I will be 70 before I have grandchildren ... which is always something I've looked forward to. I realise that this is the same age my gran was when my youngest cousins were born. I know without a doubt that they missed out on the things I got to enjoy about my grandparents. I have tried to adjust my mindset as much as I can ... my gran was 34 when she had my mom. But my mom was her youngest. I dunno how we get this right anymore. It is depressing me. More so because I feel quite alone .... although I know I have plenty of friends in similar situations, I feel alone because The Trucker doesn't really understand at all and isn't even close to being in the same place mentally. Are boys ever?

Life sure would be simpler if I didn't want kids. I used to think if I hadn't met someone I would do it alone ... which would involve moving home to Cape Town to ensure I had my folks for support, but I'm beginning to doubt if I could manage it anyway. Life: A lot more complicated than it should be. How do other people make it look so easy? People seem to be falling pregnant by accident all around me ...

Delightful Dinner

The Trucker worked from my house a little yesterday morning to let Lily & Rex have some run-around time ... it's the only time you can really tell if they're acting normal cause in their hutch they mostly sleep. Today I'm working from home and they are busy running around :) Both seem in perfect health. But I won't really stop worrying till next week. Trying to give them their Panacur last night was a laugh. They are impossible and it ended up all over the place! Hopefully The Trucker will have better luck this weekend ... otherwise I've told him he is quite welcome to take them to the vet and ask them to do it. I'm off to Cape Town a little later for The Peeb's 30th birthday party (her actual bday was on Monday). Sheesh. I feel old, my little sister is 30. Hell, my boyfriend isn't even 30! Eep. Haha.

Yesterday afternoon was my last Boot Camp class for the year. I've signed up for the January one already tho :) The Trucker got to come and try the class out, the booys had to bring R50 to donate to CANSA. Was a surprisingly well attended class and all us girls laughed at how easy they went on us with the boys there - haha. He had fun tho, I think :) It was a nice novelty.

In the evening I'd planned a Surprise Date Night (since I am away all weekend and he is doing an even bigger favour for me now with the bunnies). I took him to the Fire & Ice Hotel Restaurant in Melrose Arch. Wow. I had heard their burgers & milkshakes were good and we were not disappointed :)

We started with their Spicy Tiger Salad to share. Oh the flavours were superb! Then we both had a 150g Beef Burger. The Trucker had their peri-peri pervert sauce and I couldn't resist the Dark Lindt & Chili sauce. Oh my, both were so good! It'd seriously be tough if we went back because I loved the Lindt sauce so much, I'd be seriously tempted to have it again. But there are so many others that sound amazing to try! Haha. First World Problems.

And, of course, we saved the milkshakes as dessert. We decided to spread the love and instead of just getting a full-sized milkshake each, we decided to get 3 half-pints (smaller) ones to share ... gotta try taste as much of the goodness as we can!

We had the Pumpkin, Marshmallow & Caramel, the Aero and the Peanut Butter and Banana (hands down, the best). Shew. It was still a lot of milkshake!

I'd highly recommend you try this spot.

My Poor Sweet Coal

Where to even begin :(

So on Monday morning my vet phoned me about Coal's wet chin. He wasn't too worried, there are lots of potential reasons. The worst of which would be an abscess in the back of her mouth. He said they'd need to sedate her and do a scope exploration ... bunnies aren't really good with opening wide to let you just take a look. But he said it wasn't too urgent. Although there is nothing we could do if that was the problem, there really was nothing, whether we caught it sooner or later. I planned to take her in on Tuesday evening and leave her there for Wednesday so I would have more time on Wednesday evening (since I don't have boot camp that evening) to chat with them when I collected her. Life had other plans.

After Boot Camp on Monday evening, I let them out the hutch. I picked Coal up to check if her chin was wet ... I was still trying to figure out if it was just perhaps when she'd been outside and munching on wet grass or succulent plants. I noticed she seemed to have wet herself ... which is very weird for a bunny, I've never really experienced that with any of them before.

I let them out and went to shower. Afterwards I started dinner and went to check on them. I noticed that her right hind leg seemed to be a little "slow". I dunno quite how to describe it. It wasn't quite like she was dragging it and it was entirely limp ... but it was definitely sluggish. I went into a panic, I won't lie. It was about 18h25 and my vet closes at half past.

I phoned to say I was on my way, wait for me! There was a bit of discussion about this ... but eventually they said fine, come thru. Rex & Lily were easy to hutch. I locked the house up in a spin and raced to the vet.

My normal vet wasn't available and the guy I saw definitely thought I was being a crazy-bunny-mom. He couldn't see anything wrong with her. Obviously she is a prey animal and was covering her weaknesses in a foreign and stressful environment. But I knew something wasn't right. I left her there.

On Tuesday I didn't hear from the vet till about 3pm. They'd done the mouth scope and all looked fine, except for a little abscess on her tongue that we'd seen on Saturday. They were giving her antibiotics. They hadn't seen her limp all morning. But in the afternoon, the vet took her out onto the grass and he saw exactly what I'd been talking about. He was a little worried. I asked if they could have strokes. It was a possibility. But he said he'd X-Ray her leg to find out if it was a fracture or bone degeneration. They'd be keeping her another night.

It was raining when I got home on Tuesday so I skipped Boot Camp and went swimming at the gym instead. On my way home I decided to pop in and visit her. I assumed she was still drugged from the X-Ray (they're not so good at sitting still for these things). She didn't respond to me, she could hardly lift her head and couldn't seem to control her front legs.

I cuddled with her for a bit, but she seemed completely out of it, so I left. I didn't get to see the vet, he was busy with a consult.

Yesterday morning he phoned. Coal had died overnight :( *sob* She hadn't been drugged from the X-Ray. They hadn't bothered to do one because by the time they were about to she was showing additional symptoms confirming it was neurological, floppy bunny syndrome. In all likelyhood, it was the same parasite that killed Bell & Henna 4 years ago, Encephalitozoon Cuniculi.

My poor sweet friendly Coal. I left work early yesterday. I bundled Lily & Rex into the car and took them to the vet. They've been started on a course of Panacur again. I am terrified for them now. I cleaned and literally hosed down the hutch yesterday afternoon. Lily was quite out of sorts all evening.

I am gonna miss this bunny, a lot. She was the friendliest of all of them. She'd come up to me and climb all over me. She wasn't afraid of people like the other 2 are. Admittedly, they've been cuddled and held far more yesterday than they're used to too.

Twitching

Oh, another thing I completely forgot ... I am absolutely loving my little garden in it's over grown summer glory at the moment. And I'm feeding the birds like a crazy person. I love sitting on my bench, barely reading my book, watching the birds & bunnies at play. And this weekend I had some new bird-types join in. The regulars are Weavers & Sparrows.

I get a few Cape Robins quite often. Then there is an Indian Myna pair (they're a bit annoying) and a Common Bulbul pair (I like them, they come for the fruit) that are around on weekends when I put out more than the usual seed. I fill a feeding tray with banana, grated cheese and peanut butter.

Sadly they haven't found my nectar feeder yet :(

This weekend I saw my first Mannikin (I had 2 of them around). And my all-time favourite, I had 3 Red Bishop birds at one time :) I love their colouring, it contrasts so nicely with the Weaver boys.

And I saw a White Eye on the weekend too, which I have never seen in Joburg before. We used to have loads of them in Cape Town tho.

Normalness

I so wasn't ready for this weekend to end ... for one thing, I haven't had a lazy morning with The Trucker since last Saturday, and there's no chance this weekend either (I'm off to Cape Town!).

But, that aside, the weekend was certainly an improvement on last week! He headed off to visit him mom in the Free State for Friday night (it had been his gran's birthday on Thursday). He did invite me to go along, but I decided to stay here after our rocky week. Easing back into things slowly.

I had a good Friday evening. Drinks after work and then I got myself a Chicken Mahknie & some butter naan and settled in front of the TV to watch True Blood. Unfortunately I don't have the season finale, which does kinda put a damper on things ... but anyway. The real plus side was that after a week of almost complete silence between The Trucker and I, we were messaging plenty on Friday. So the distance was good to remind us that we did want to be together.

On Saturday morning I did some random admin. Took the Bundles to the vet, well only Rex & Coal. They both needed a nail clipping and Coal has been worrying me lately ... my usual vet wasn't there, but hopefully I'll hear from him this week. I have a horrible feeling she's not doing that well :( I suppose she is 4 years old this month.

Anyway, The Trucker only came over at about 15h30 before we headed off to the Linkin Park concert at 16h00. We headed thru and parked the car near to the exit and enjoyed an impromptu Woolies picnic :)

Sheesh, I'd never been to the FNB Stadium / Soccer City before. It is a truly impressive structure. And inside it's massive! And it was packed. Thank goodness it didn't rain!


Unfortunately, I don't think they've quite figured out the acoustics for the place yet tho. I think the Kongos were okay, but I only knew 2 or 3 of their songs and I definitely couldn't have learned any lyrics to the others from what I heard on Saturday night :P

 
Linkin Park eventually came on (I think the almost hour between bands was a little long). In the end they were pretty awesome and I'm super glad I went and saw them. They've been on my See-Live list for almost forever! But their acoustics also didn't start out very well. We all sort of sat there staring as they started the first song, thinking I'm sure I know this, but what is it? What is he saying? It did improve tho. And perhaps it was just a matter of their sort of lyrics, either very fast or screamed. I dunno. But by the end my voice was hoarse from singing along. Loved it.

Oh, and sometime in the middle of the show, I looked up into the sky and saw a shooting star. It was amazing :)

On Sunday morning, The Trucker was up and off before 6am for the 94.7 Mountain Bike Race. He did so well, did the 30km in just over 2hrs. I'm proud, it was his first race :) I slept in and then headed off to Newscafe with a bunch of the SCM crowd for their R20 early bird breakfast deal.

Then I did some grocery shopping before heading home. The Trucker cam over and we had a very relaxed afternoon, including a 2hr nap for him. He made us pasta for dinner. Unfortunately it was overly rich and we were both feeling over-full by the time we headed to bed. It was a cabonara and it had such potential ;) But still, just watching him in the kitchen makes my heart skip.

We watched Rock of Ages. Rubbish. I don't actually know how we sat thru all 2hrs of it, more especially because The Trucker hates musicals. I'd heard Tom Cruise was pretty good in it. And it had a rather star-studded cast. But it was like a poor attempt at Coyote Ugly. Urgh. Anyway.

We Survived.

I have specifically avoided writing this week. It's been a super bad week between The Trucker and I. Super Bad. I really thought I'd be writing a different post this morning. I thought we'd break up last night. I'm happy to report we didn't.

Don't misunderstand, while he was thinking he'd be breaking up with me, I was thinking I'd be the one breaking up with him. It was that bad a week.

We have barely spoken since Saturday morning. We fought on Saturday night. We didn't see each other till last night. Sometimes space can be constructive and sometimes it can be destructive. This time I found it helpful. Well, in the sense that I had built things up and tore them down all in my own head before we spoke. If we'd seen each other sooner, I'm not sure we'd still be together right now.

I have prepared emotionally all week for a break up. It went from the (I thought) minor incident on Saturday to a full blown, where-is-this-going place in my head. And yes, down the line I may have to make some tough decisions about what I want in my life and whether we are aligned closely enough in those things.

For the meantime, I've just asked him to think about his future, what he wants for it and if I'm actually in it. He doesn't seem to think much about things to come and, instead, lives more in the right here and right now. Which has been partially a good lesson for me (because I've always been wrapped up in future planning ... none of it has happened according to plan yet tho :P) but has also been hard because it's not my natural state. He had some good points about what was bothering him too and what Saturday's incident was, for him, the final straw.

I think we're okay for now again. And I'm glad about that. Yesterday I wasn't feeling at all positive there was any possibility of an outcome that involved us staying together. But we found a way.

Red Mist by Patricia Cornwell

Kay Scarpetta has arranged to meet an inmate at the high-security Georgia Prison for Women. The prisoner is a convicted sex offender and the mother of a vicious and diabolically brilliant killer. Against advice, Scarpetta is determined to hear this woman out - she believes she may hold some answers to the murder of her former deputy. But soon she finds connections to a string of grisly killings, including the slaughter of a Savannah family years earlier. She can see a pattern to these killings, but who is behind them and why? As she learns more, Scarpetta is compelled to conclude that this is only the beginning of something far more destructive: a terrifying terrain of conspiracy and potential terrorism on an international scale. And she is the only one who can stop it... 

Seriously, I spent this whole book convinced I'd already read it. I checked on my blog and it doesn't look like I have. Not convinced as in I could have told you how it ended. But as things unfolded there was a familiarity. I dunno. I think it's quite a new one of hers (published 2011), so I'm not sure it's possible I could've read it ages ago and forgotten? Nope.

Anyway, yeah, it's okay. Her books have got a lot more about the characters than the actual forensic solving of murders tho, I've found. Which is okay, generally I like the characters. But I'm definitely not as hooked as I was when I first discovered her books, probably back in high school. If you're a Kay Scarpetta fan, definitely read it :)

Extremes

Well the weekend started off really well. I was in my favourite mood, you know the all-is-right-in-the-world fuzziness, feeling full to the brim with awesomeness and love. Unfortunately it came crashing down on Saturday evening. But more on that later.

On Friday I flew home from Cape Town and was met at Lanseria by The Trucker. So lovely to see him again, if briefly before he headed back to work. I got in a much needed snooze before he popped in again before we both headed out for the evening. Do you know he stayed at my house the whole time I was away? A little weird, but I said he could.

Anyway, on Friday evening he headed out with the boys and I went to Monte Casino to start my girl's night out with a Peanut Butter burger from Gourmet Garage :) Man, so good! We followed our dinner with a show and went to watch Dirty Dancing.

Hmmm, it was a feel good show, I certainly felt all light and happy after watching. We laughed, a lot! I'm not sure if that was intentional on their part or not ... Haha. I'll agree with the other reviews I've read on other blogs, the acting was really stilted. But I guess they hired dancers, not actors. And I can forgive that, the dancing was good :) Baby was brilliant. The way she un-danced was superb. And her sister's bad-singing at the talent show had us all in stitches! The songs weren't as prominent as I expected, I grew up listening more to the casette tape of the songs than the movie itself. I was sitting with some movie-fundi's tho and they were a little concerned about a few extra scenes. But I'd noticed that when I'd seen Grease too, obviously they dropped some scenes when they made the movie from the original screen-play. So that didn't bother me too much.

I think what bothered me most, honestly, was the digital stage. I know, that sounds bizarre. I think it's the first time I've been to a proper stage show that has relied so heavily on giant LCD screens, or whatever, to provide it's set. It wasn't a traditional set by any means. Which gave them the ability to do some interesting things, *cough* the wheat to water scene. But I felt it was like cheating. I dunno. I think that might've been the biggest disappointment for me.

The Trucker came over after I got home. We slept pretty late on Saturday morning and then went to get some breakfast and do a little grocery shopping. Then he had to go to work. For an hour or an hour & half he said ... and came home about 7 hours later, after 8pm. I feel like de ja vu. I was less than happy since I was looking forward to a lazy afternoon on the couch just enjoying each other's company after I'd been away. I was in a pretty miserable mood by the time he came over. I skipped dinner and read my book in bed while he ate and watched tv.

On Sunday morning he left and we haven't spoken since. I know he had to work all Saturday, and so dealing with my mood was not what he wanted to be doing when he got home, but he doesn't understand how a) the inability to predict a 7 hour workday on a weekend b) my having been away most of the week and wanting to actually spend some quality time with him and c) it being the 2nd time in a row should affect me (?!) since I got to have my lazy Saturday, after all. It turned into a fight that seems to still be lingering. Maybe we've already broken up, I'll be honest and say I'm not really sure what's going on.

I'd already arranged for @louisabouwer & Nicola to come over on Sunday morning while he was at cricket, so we had a picnic in the garden :) Nicola was quite cute with the bunnies. But mostly she was interested in carrying around a big silver horse I have and watching TV (thank goodness I had Ice Age 4!). Hee hee.

I did some admin in the afternoon and that was about it for my day. Pretty miserable end to the weekend, really. I really made sure I finished it off badly by watching a few movies. I started with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and followed it with The Invention of Lying. Neither are really worth mentioning, honestly.

The Bookmarks 2012

Yawn. At least I am writing this from my gorgeous hotel room :)

Last night was The Bookmark Awards, the reason I got to enjoy this whirlwind trip to Cape Town. The event started for me by checking into my hotel room at New Kings Hotel. Wow. The rooms here are absolutely massive. Seriously, I'm sitting in my study as I type this! It is an absolutely gorgeous, still day in Cape Town today. Wish I was staying :)

This hotel is pretty stunning, room- and view-wise. Pity the hot water takes about 10minutes to arrive ... even after waiting that long and deciding to just shower with the tepid water, I did eventually see some steam as I was rinsing my hair before getting out ... Also, they are seriously lacking in floor length mirrors. Which would've been helpful for dressing up last night ;)

I got to wear another of my Vietnam dresses :) I think it looked pretty awesome. It is a bit loose now tho ... sadly (but also happily :D haha).

We headed to The Artscape Theatre at about 7pm for the actual awards ceremony. I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting. For some reason (until I received my ticket on Wednesday) I had this idea we'd be seated at company tables ... I guess sort of like something from a cliche movie event. It wasn't like that at all. The first clue was the venue. It was like going to watch a show. Our company had a few different groups of seats, and everyone sat in a row. Which made it a bit weird. I'll be honest and say a bunch of us ended up in the empty back rows because it was easier to get to the loo, the bar and actually get some of the little snacks they put out. By 20h30 I hadn't eaten a thing (we'd skipped dinner to be there by 7) and was starving.

The awards were pretty boring honestly. I hadn't seen many of the sites that were winning. It was all very exciting tho when our company was short-listed and we cheered wildly for our awards. I think we did quite nicely :) The first grouping took ages, but after that it went quite fast. We saw a performance by Gazelle who I think used the stage space amazingly well :)

At around 23h30 it finished up and we headed to Trinity for the After Party. Which fell a little flat, I guess because I'm not a big schmoozer and I didn't know anyone except the other people from my company who hadn't gone back to the hotel. We didn't stay very late, got home just after 1am. It was a beautiful night tho, warm and calm.

All in all a good experience and I'm glad I got to come and cheer and see what all the fuss was about :) Mostly I'm glad I got a quick visit down in Cape Town :)

A Surprise Visit

Yay, I am having a fantastic week :) Made infinitely more awesome by the fact that I'm sitting in our  Cape Town office right now and it is a beautiful day and I can see the sea from my desk.

Monday and Tuesday night were pretty uneventful. I made it to boot camp for both nights since I won't make it for the rest of the week - except maybe (unlikely) Friday, if I'm feeling super energetic ;)

This time I quickly snapped out of the weird mood I was in when I wrote on Monday. I managed to remind myself (which is harder than it sounds because generally I tend not to believe myself if it's me trying to make myself believe, you know?) that The Trucker does love and care for me more than I sometimes a) give him credit for and b) realise. But I get so focused on the things I think he should have done or didn't do (based on what *I* think he should've done in certain situations). But then the honest truth is that the boy surprises me. He does things I don't think of. And he is awesome. #sigh. I'm missing him just a little bit right now ... in a wish you were here kinda way.

Anyhoo, back to this week. Last Monday I found out that Work was sending me to Cape Town this week for The Bookmarks (tonight) so I flew down a day early to spend an evening with the family. So, yesterday morning, I flew down to Cape Town, got chauffeur driven to the office and worked from here before being collected by The Brother in Law and headed back to The Peeb's flat. Was nice to see the 2 of them & I handed over their Vietnam-Cambodia gifts. The Divine Miss M popped round for a visit too which was really nice. I forget sometimes how much I miss her. I think she may be the girl friend I miss the most ...

Then at about 7, Mom & Daddio came to fetch me and we headed to El Burro for dinner. I've heard all over twitter about this place. Sometimes it totally sucks hearing about these awesome Cape Town restaurants that don't have branches in Joburg :( Anyhoo, so this has been on my list of places to try for a while. I'll admit I was a little surprised when The Folks agreed. I didn't think it was their sort of restaurant at all.

But I think everyone had an awesome evening :) A huge perk for me was that they serve Eversons Cider :) I teased The Trucker by sending him a photo - haha. We shared 2 of the starters. The Calamari sounded delish, pan-seared with chili, lime and coriander. And while it was nice and perfectly acceptable, the starter that stole my heart was their Chiles Relenos. It's no secret that I am a giant Chili Popper fan. This are just as good, if a little different. No batter and an awesome smokey flavour. They were so tasty! Have them!

For Mains I had to try their Goat Build-Your-Own Tortilla. Wow. It was tasty, I really liked it. But as usual, the potions were massive! I tried one normal flour tortilla and one corn one and that was all I could manage. I had to keep some space for the Churros they had on their dessert menu. I don't think I've had proper churros since I was in Spain. And these were superb. Seriously, I'd go back for just this .... actually for everything ;) What a lovely meal & generally great evening, with some hysterical moments!

Anyhoo, looking forward to another fun-filled day here before flying home tomorrow :) Please note I've included the obligatory gratuitous sea shot ... wouldn't be a visit to Cape Town without one!