2012 Review

So yeah, I guess it's that time of year again ...this is a hard one to write tho, especially with the way my year has ended. In fact, it seems to be a frightening recurring trend that every three years in December, I have a major break-up :( It's hard to try and look back at the (so many) good things that also happened this year. I suppose that actually it was a pretty amazing year. I had a wonderful relationship with The Trucker before it came to a sad sorry end.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
These are probably all travel-related. I did a lot more "adventure" travel with The Trucker, we did that canopy tour, scooted around Vietnam, went river rafting and 4x4ing down Sani Pass. All good fun first time experiences.

I also tried getting a Personal Trainer (which made no difference between Feb and July), joined Boot Camp and went to a Nutritionist (which made an amazing difference from Sept). Guess it was the year of the Body ;)

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yip, 2 of my Cape Town friends. And it feels like *everyone* in my Facebook timeline from High school :P

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I can think of.

4. Did anyone close to you get married?
Yep, so many! The Peeb, a family friend, DJ Mike and those are just the weddings I went to.

5. What countries did you visit?
Namibia, Vietnam, Cambodia and Lesotho.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Hard to say on this one ... Although I'm now alone, I didn't lack for an amazing relationship in 2012. I had one, and that's why this is hard. I guess a new kitchen ;) Haha.

7. What date, from 2012, will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well, obviously the 2nd December because of my break-up with The Trucker :(

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is going to sound crazy, but I am honestly listing "ending an amazing and good and happy relationship for the reason of wanting a family and children with someone" as my biggest achievement. Because it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It certainly doesn't feel like it now, but one day, when I find the things I'm looking for, I'll realise why this fits perfectly into this category.

9. What was your biggest failure?
At the moment I'm a little biased. I am feeling like the failure, for not having found someone to marry and have kids with yet ... when everyone else is making it look so easy (okay to be fair, not everyone else, but some days it feels that way). And I guess I feel sorta dumb that I got myself this amazing relationship, but it turned out to be with someone who didn't want those very normal things ... it's like winning the booby prize :P

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Does heart-break count as an injury?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Good question! I guess technically my car since I paid that off and it's now really mine and not just on loan from the bank :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Well, obviously The Trucker's. He was a pretty damn amazing boyfriend most of the time. From surprise Valentines Day to saving me a fortune on my car service and all sorts of little surprises and wonderful things in between. He was definitely my favourite boyfriend so far.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Well depressed is easy, The Trucker, again.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I guess this year it went on holidays (as usual) and paying off my car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This is probably my relationship with The Trucker too. I was really, really excited about it a lot this year. And our holidays. I holidayed well with this boy!

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
I think, obviously, Somebody That I Used to Know by Goyte. And then Starlight by Slash (because it's from The Trucker's favourite album so we listened to it a lot on our road trips).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder. Obviously :(
Thinner or fatter?  Amazingly (and I think I can write this for the first time ever!), thinner.
Richer or poorer? I think (I hope) maybe richer. I've shuffled some money around for the future kitchen renovations tho so it may just be a deceptive balance ;)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Dunno really. Aside from December, this has been a pretty spectacular year. I would wish I'd realised that The Trucker and I were on such different paths sooner, but then I would've missed out on some amazing experiences this year ... And I couldn't really have traveled more if I'd tried ;) Haha.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I'd had less reason to cry in December :P

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I'll be in Cape Town as usual. This year we won't be at The Beach Cottage tho, because it has been emptied in anticipation of the renovations. Well be Christmas Eve-ing at my aunts with my Mom's family and then spending Christmas Day at my Dad's.

21. How will you be spending New Year?
Absolutely no idea. Will be in Cape Town tho. Probably crying :P

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Absolutely, over and over again with The Trucker. *sob*

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favourite TV programme ?
Tricky. I watch so many and some are old favourites and some are awesome new shows. Probably my favourite new ones are New Girl and Elementary.

25. What did you want and get?
Happiness, although fleeting, I really was happy a lot of the time this year. I think I'm getting better at life as I get older.

26. What did you want and not get?
A future with a boy I adore.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32 this year and spent my birthday half at work and half driving to Kuruman to start our Namibia trip.

28. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This really is not my sort of question. I don't think it's changed since last year.

29. Who did you miss?
Well, right now I'm missing The Trucker. But for the rest of the year, I'm not sure. Probably Mom, as always.

Upwards

Okay so things seem to be getting easier, slowly. Yeah, yeah time is the great healer and all that. I heard last night that it takes 10 days in a row of doing something for your brain to form a habit and accept something. Guess it's like that with missing someone too.

On Tuesday evening, The Trucker mailed me. It caused a bit of a meltdown. Basically he squashed any tiny flicker of hope I still had that we could work this out somehow. I've compromised as much as I can, but he is not budging an inch and isn't going to. His decision is still No.

I guess in some ways, after I'd cried it out, talked it out and calmed down, it has made it easier. Now there is no where to go from here for us. There will be no realisation that he loved me more than he is afraid of our future.

It's still terribly sad. And we had fun together, but I guess what I've been realising with all this talking is that the kid-thing was only the breaking point, the not negotiable. But the reality is that the foundation of our relationship just wasn't that strong. We had all this great stuff on the surface, but crunch time and hard times were not manageable. Which means we wouldn't have survived anyway.

I'll be okay.

I also can't believe how busy I've been. This week has been no different. On Tuesday evening I went to SCM, but left quite early because I was yawning my head off. Luckily my sleeping patterns seem to have gone back to normal. And there is no more waking up with pangs of The Trucker anymore, since his email.

Last night CollegeInstructor came over to collect the keys. He's house- and bunny-sitting while I'm in Cape Town. To be honest I dunno what I'd do without him. We went to Mumbai Grill (previously Mumbai Brasserie) for Chicken Mahknie for dinner. Yum. Clearly the eating plan is shot for December. Not going to gym either ... although now my brain could probably stand to be alone while I'm swimming, I am feeling more holiday-mode relaxing is in order. I have signed up for the January Boot Camp already tho :)

Haha, things are quiet at work and wouldn't you know it I've started to wonder where next year's holiday will be ... I am not yet sure if there'll be one what with the kitchen renovations, but one can dream a little. Good to find the optimism where you can, right? Although I am slightly devastated not to have anyone to be planning with. I did love dating another adventurer ;)

So I've been searching around the idea of cruising around Croatia or Greece. Maybe squeeze in some of Italy (since Pompeii is on my list!). Nothing exciting to tell yet and it looks like it'll be more expensive than I was hoping, honestly. But we'll see.

Barely There

Wow. Today I am not in a good space. Which is a little soul-destroying as I thought I was finally getting into a good space again yesterday evening.

I seriously can't get over how much of a roller-coaster this has been (and continues to be). My emotions are an absolute mess and fluctuate wildly. Thankfully my Mom came up to Joburg for the long weekend. I'm not sure I could've got thru it without her there to distract me and keep me company.

She arrived on Friday evening, and we just headed straight home from Lanseria, had a quick and easy Woolies dinner. On Saturday we hit Cresta to begin the Christmas shopping. Yes, I usually leave my shopping till this long weekend. I'm just not that organised. It's hard to be doing so much shopping with Mom, who has to go slowly now that she has PMR.

Mostly we just bought things for ourselves and no xmas gifts. Haha. Mom only seems to do any clothes shopping when she's with me ... and I even got myself some new things :) Uplifting retail therapy.

We also popped past the Rivonia Oriental City which was a total waste of time, although I keep hearing about it ... not much is open yet. The only bonus was this bunny we bought at one of the robots on our way there :) Heehee

We had a relaxing afternoon at home followed by dinner out at Col'Cacchio. We both tried their new Pizza Foro range. I had the Romagnola Foro which I really liked. Although I think the salad in the middle is a total waste, it was a pile of lettuce on some sliced carrot and radish.

At home we watched Hysteria. It's a nice enough movie ... and Maggie Gyllenhaal is really good in it.

On Sunday I went and did some grocery shopping and then took Mom to Rosebank. Here, at least, we made a little dent in the xmas shopping. We stopped by Sandton very briefly on the way home (trying to find Daddio's gift in the right size). Was a little exhausted by then. We had planned on watching a movie on Sunday, but Life of Pi hasn't opened yet and Mom had already seen Skyfall. We made stirfry for dinner and ate outside. It was nice. I didn't have a very good afternoon emotionally :(

On Monday (yay for public holidays) we got ready and got Mom all packed and headed to Clearwater to finish up the shopping. I only have her still to buy for. We also headed to Lifestyle Garden Centre to get my gift from Mom. Usually if I get money, I don't really spend it on something specific and it's also hard because anything they give me I have to be able to bring back to Joburg. But this time I bought a whole bunch of stuff to get started on the veggie and herb garden I wanted to put outside my kitchen window.

Got it all set up after I dropped her off. Have been browsing living seeds and trying to narrow down a list :) Will plant when I'm back from Cape Town in January.

I was actually having a good emotionally-together Monday afternoon. I signed up on Meet Joburg. It sounds like more fun than speed-dating ... The first event is at the end of January, so that'll probably be ideal. Hopefully I'll be a little more together by then. Then I headed off to the Baron to meet up with @Rubyletters. Was lovely to see her again and catch-up :)

So, the emotional stuffs. Luckily I've been falling asleep quite easily. The real problem has been waking at 5am and my brain switching into over-thinking mode. I was plagued every morning, all weekend, with a need to contact The Trucker. To email, I even drafted the email. To sms. I don't know why. I think I'm just really struggling with the fact that he just said he doesn't want kids and gave up. He didn't try to compromise or to negotiate. I am confused that he loves me and misses me but not enough to want to try or anything. I wander thru shops constantly watching other people. Other people build these little family units ... everyone does. Except my ex-boyfriend. #sigh. I want to build my own family with someone. Who would've thought that'd be such a hard thing to do once you'd found someone you loved?

So far I've managed to stop myself from contacting him. I want to ask if there's anything we still need to talk about. I still want to talk to him and talk things through. My hopeful side wants to find a way for us to work. Every time I've spoken to him, I know it's probably been a little bit of an ambush for him. But he doesn't seem to need to talk about any of it ... he just accepts that we want different things and that's too bad, but not bad enough to change the outcome, I guess.

I'm sad and scared. I know there are probably loads of amazing single men (I say men now, not boys, because my therapist says not to date younger men anymore, which I think is sound advice) out there. But where? Where do you meet them? Anyway, hopefully I will find hope and believe in the future again soon. Because I think that is what is really killing me ... Damn, but I loved that boy, why didn't he just want the same things I did? *sob*

Oh right, and today. After no trouble falling asleep at all, even thru the emotional upheaval I've been feeling, last night when I was at peace with life I could NOT sleep. Even tho I put down my book and switched off my light earlier than my usual bedtime because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I don't think I even got a whole solid hour of sleep last night. I had those weird wakeful dreams. Where your brain isn't worrying over something specific so it drifts and you have those surreal dreams but you're not really asleep properly either. It was very hot last night and I felt out of sorts (so much so that I want throwing up at 01:40am), I still feel off.

Righto, now to try and get thru this day.

Dead on my Feet

Yawn. Long week this one. Just because I feel like I haven't stopped for a minute. Seriously I thought yesterday *had* to be Friday! Luckily yesterday wasn't as bad as Wednesday tho, I definitely don't think I'd have survived. But make no mistake yesterday was hard.

The Trucker messaged me. Hugs and kisses. And said he needed a real one yesterday. Obviously that didn't happen. But it does mean I struggle terribly with this whole we love and miss each other but there is no acceptable compromise thing ... It is breaking my heart.

I know I can get past this, one day at a time, but what I struggle with really is if this is the right move. Some days I think if we could just figure out a future we're both happy with, we could make it. But who knows. I mean who knows if there's a future we could both be happy with and if we'd make it last. I struggle with the knowledge that I was happy this year, I was happy with him. Why am I giving that up. Some days I think I'll never end up having kids. Some days I'm determined and think I'll do it on my own if I have to. Some days I think I'll never meet someone (okay, probably most days). I think that's really what is killing me. Choosing not him over no one else either. #sigh. I want him back. I really do. I want the good things back. I want to believe.



The lack of sleep is probably not doing me much good either. Last night I had some (6) of the girls from work over. I was seriously considering cancelling, but I had organised so long ago and everyone was looking forward to the catch up. It turned out to be quite a nice evening tho. Everyone brought a plate of food (and some over achievers brought 5 plates!) and drinks.

But today, I am exhausted. Mom arrives later for the long weekend. She booked flights last week when she was worried about me. Initially I thought I'd be fine but then I realised it would be much better having her around keeping me company. Weekends are hard ... and long. And lonely.

I watched this video, which I really liked. I know I'm not the only person in the world who's had to make this decision before. But it is so hard. Sometimes I don't know if I'm helping or hindering myself. I do google searches for "My boyfriend doesn't want kids" and "living in the moment versus planning for the future" and "can you fight the urge to have children" and "deciding to have a kid on your own". You can't believe how much is online. There is no consensus. There is the idea that if you put pressure on a guy he'll just bail (heck out the comments on that!), there are also so many women who do wait for guys who want kids "one day" but never really do and then the girls end up close to 40 and miserable.

"While I waited for a response, I caught myself wondering, Why am I having to work so hard to convince my boyfriend to do something so natural, which everyone else seemed to being doing without a second thought?"

"If we never think about the direction we want to go in our life, it is very unlikely we will get there. This is why it is so important to make our values and goals clear to ourselves." (those quotes are both from articles I've read)

I guess there is no hard and fast "rule" and no golden arrow. I don't know what to do and I don't think there is anything I can do. Life is pretty miserable right now.

Ups and Downs

Not doing well today at all. Had a pretty good week till yesterday actually. Saw The Trucker briefly on Monday evening. He popped past to drop off some stuff of mine he'd found.

We chatted a bit more. I wasn't really sure if I should, the way I was feeling, I wasn't really sure I wanted to save things anymore. What I wanted to know was, in spite of all the bad examples of parenting he had that were putting him off, if we took kids out of the equation, what did he really want from a relationship? Who did he see as having the relationship he wanted. And the penny dropped for me when he answered ... he wants a companionship, not a relationship. He'd always said, you have your life, I have my life and we have a relationship. But hearing the word companionship come out of his mouth as the first word to describe what he was looking for was like a light bulb moment.

I think that's exactly it. He wants someone to hang out with and have fun with, who's there for movie nights and holidays. You know, the fun and easy stuff. The stuff that's better when you have someone to do it with. But he doesn't need the bad stuff. When he's had a hard day at work, I'm not who he wants to see, being around me (or anyone I presume?) doesn't make him feel better about things. And dealing with my bad stuff? I guess he'd rather not. He wants something that's easy. That's light and fluffy. I want something that's meaningful, someone who is there and who you are there for. Someone to support you. I guess a real relationship is more symbiotic than a companionship. Mutual needs being fulfilled. And that's, I guess, where the trade-offs in relationships come from ... you do this for me and I do this for you, for our mutual benefit. To keep us both happy.

Anyway, these thoughts got me thru the first half of the week quite nicely. I thought I'd made peace with it all and accepted it.

On Tuesday evening was our SCM Xmas Dinner. Shew, so much food. Everyone brought something, I made my Spinach and Feta Pie. But we ate after 9pm (so not my ideal) and I didn't sleep well at all.

Yesterday was probably my worst day at work this year. Perhaps ever. I don't want to talk about it, it's still leaving a bad taste in my mouth and we will see what happens today ... But I left here yesterday feeling like perhaps I needed a whole new career direction. #sigh

Then last night was Book Club. We did Secret Santa, which was quite fun. But I left feeling quite low. Our book club has a few (3) older girls in it now. They're all in their early 40s. All single. And the things they said did not make me feel very good about the likelyhood about meeting someone amazing who could offer what I was looking for at this stage of my life.

Again I'm back to that sinking feeling that I missed a boat somewhere and am never going to find what I want / picture for my life. Other people have found it, but they found it ages ago and have settled into it and it's a warm safe place for them. I'm out in the cold, alone, wandering aimlessly. That's how it feels anyway.

I woke up still feeling miserable. Wondering if all this is actually worth it and where the happiness is. I was happy a lot this year, with The Trucker. I don't know what I could give up to get that back? Or if we could even get that back after this? But today I feel very alone and sad.

So many people say you should live in the present. I tried that the whole time I was dating The Trucker. And yes, it's a great place to be ... but if you don't plan for the future, how do you know you'll end up where you want to with the experiences you want? I can leave some things to chance ... where and when my next holiday will be. But marriage and kids? I'd rather not. I think I kinda have been leaving them up to chance and chance has not yet sided with me on this one :(

Firmin by Sam Savage

I had always imagined that my life story...would have a great first line: something like Nabokov's 'Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins;' or if I could not do lyric, then something sweeping like Tolstoy's 'All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'... When it comes to openers, though, the best in my view has to be the first line of Ford Madox Ford's The Good Soldier : 'This is the saddest story I have ever heard.' So begins the remarkable tale of Firmin the rat. Born in a bookstore in a blighted 1960's Boston neighborhood, Firmin miraculously learns how to read by digesting his nest of books. Alienated from his family and unable to communicate with the humans he loves, Firmin quickly realizes that a literate rat is a lonely rat. Following a harrowing misunderstanding with his hero, the bookseller, Firmin begins to risk the dangers of Scollay Square, finding solace in the Lovelies of the burlesque cinema. Finally adopted by a down-on-his-luck science fiction writer, the tide begins to turn, but soon they both face homelessness when the wrecking ball of urban renewal arrives. In a series of misadventures, Firmin is ultimately led deep into his own imaginative soul-a place where Ginger Rogers can hold him tight and tattered books, storied neighborhoods, and down-and-out rats can find people who adore them. A native of South Carolina, Sam Savage now lives in Madison, Wisconsin. This is his first novel.

Okay, so this didn't really appeal to me when it arrived at book club, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway ... since I once had a pet rat. Skip this book. Seriously, I still have very little idea what the point of it was. It was very tedious.

Really Real

Shew. What a weekend. It certainly rolled in ups and downs. On Friday afternoon it was our office Year End function. It included a giant water-slide in the parking lot. Which actually turned out to be more fun than I expected. Eventually I went down a few times in my clothes (luckily I had brought spare clothes!)

I left at the totally reasonable hour of around 8pm. Which I am even more glad I did now hearing some of the stories at the office this morning! I went home and watched series till I couldn't keep my eyes open after midnight.

I guess I was a little nervous for Saturday. The Trucker came over and brought my stuff from his house and picked up his stuff from my house before we headed off to Lethabo Estate for DJMike's wedding.

Generally we had a pretty good time. There was a lot more chatter around our decision. I think he's had as hard a week as I have, missing me, not sleeping well and generally being miserable and moping and by the sounds of things keeping himself busy with work. Poor boy :( Poor me because nothing has changed at all tho. Sob.

On an amusing aside, he was really laughing at me because as we were sitting there for the ceremony, I was like, "I'm sure that's my ex-cousin". Yup, turned out the bride's dad is dating my uncle's ex-wife. Haven't seen them in years. He now reckons I can't swing a cat without bumping into some family or another ;)

Yes, he stayed over. It was nice having him there <3 But he left at about 7am for cricket. And I spent Sunday feeling completely heart-broken. He missed me but not enough for anything to change. I adore him and can't make this right :( I escaped into a book and slept some more. Escapism much?

Eventually I went and did grocery shopping for the week. I was crying in the queues. Thank goodness I bumped into @clairam and we went and got a drink at Mugg&Bean and chatted the afternoon away.

I struggled for the rest of the afternoon at home alone. There was a hail storm and I got soaked putting my car into the garage and had a hot bubble bath with candles, reading my book.

It took everything I had not to message him yesterday. As I sat watching TV, my brain was screaming NO! NO! NO! about the whole situation. It was deafening. Oh jees. This has been terrible. I was all ready to mail him this morning with some attempt at reconciliation.

Somehow tho, this morning I've woken up knowing that's not the right thing. I have woken with this weird feeling that even if we'd agreed on not having or having kids, our relationship probably would've floundered in another year or two. Yes, it was pretty damn amazing for the last year. And I love him soso much. But I know that it is easy to love someone in good times. And he was an awesome and attentive boyfriend in those good times. In fact he has many qualities I'd love to find again. But when we got annoyed with one another or were stressed, things weren't good. We didn't handle the bad times very well. And life comes with bad times and you need your partner to stand next to you and manage those bad times and still love you. I don't know if he and I could do that.

I know that with his ex-girlf he went off and traveled the world without her, I want someone who makes plans with me and includes me and if I can't go we postpone till we both can. You know, having a "what's better for both" attitude about life. Someone who thinks whatever they do would be improved by sharing it with me. Yes, I am independent and some things and some trips can be done as an individual ... some opportunities are too good to give up, we all know that. But it shouldn't be the norm. I want to be independent with someone. Independent, not solitary. I don't think he gets that. I want a team, a partnership, a shared life. And I don't know if he could give me that.

So maybe, just maybe, this has stolen a few years of happiness with him to give me a chance to find what I really want with someone else now ... instead of in 2 or 3 years time.

Damn, I miss him tho. I would love to find someone with all his amazing qualities but change or tweak about 5 or 6 things ... chances are to get those 5 or 6 things, I 'll probably have to give up some of the amazing things about him too ... Life is sucky like that :P

A Little Better ...

Shew. Longest week ever. Last night was my first evening home alone for the whole night (as in I didn't head out for some type of dinner-time distraction ... obviously I was sleeping alone all week :P). Perhaps watching Grey's and Private Practice wasn't the smartest move ;) Haha.

I am feeling better today tho. Make no mistake I'm still frustrated at my situation and would love to change it back, but I think I've accepted that without some kind of drastic change or compromise on his part (that I don't believe is coming) nothing is going to change between us. I went for my therapy appointment yesterday. It was about as helpful as an hour with someone who is just trying to get to know you and listen to your problems could be. It's expensive tho, shew. But I think I'll try to go monthly from now. Just to get myself on track.

I think this week of hearing and talking to people has really helped. I don't think a single person has question this reason for breaking up with someone. I think I've accepted that, love him as I do, he is just not in the same life place as me. As my therapist put it, he is in the building phase of his life. There is no space for thoughts of nesting. Even if it's 2-3 years in the future. No more dating younger boys. Apparently I need a more stringent interview process for prospective boyfs. Clearly :P

Ha. And I spent the last year thinking that his ex girlf was silly for breaking up with him for the very same reason when she didn't seem to be any closer to where she wanted to be now. 3 years later she's not in a relationship (that I know of), she's certainly not married and apparently she's going to try the Sperm Donor route. Maybe that will be me in 3 years too?

Damn, where is that magic time machine when I need one. If I could only fast forward The Trucker to 36 or 37 yrs old and stay where I am. Then maybe. But even I know that's unlikely to happen.

Anyway. I'll see him tomorrow at the Wedding. I did consider taking someone else, but I really want to see him (I still like him, remember). And we need to swap our stuff still. I'll be honest, I couldn't have done this earlier this week, on Monday or Tuesday. I think I'm okay now.

Ouch

Yesterday was better. Calmer. Still a dull ache. Could I just wake up and realise this has all been a dreadful dream?

I discovered this morning that he hid his relationship status on Facebook last night ... I did it weeks ago, when things first got weird, but that's not the sort of thing he'd notice. We're still in a relationship on Facebook, it's just that no one else can see it now. Why does that hurt so much? Why can I not set it back to single?

I know I should take down the photos I have of us hanging above my bed. I can't. I can't bring myself to admit that it's over for real, for ever. Damn, and I was doing so well yesterday. Now I'm crying again. Can someone dehydrate from crying too many tears?

I kept myself busy last night with a catch-up dinner with The Housemate (who is up from Cape Town for DJMike's wedding this weekend) and CollegeInstructor at Gourmet Garage. Haha, The Housemate (Beukes) and I are starting a trend, of having dinner every time I break up :P

The thing I have realised is just how many friends I have. Not that I didn't know before, but I've had people checking up on me every single day. And sometimes it's hard and I don't want to talk or be reminded of the sorry sad situation I find myself in. I am the car wreck people are stopping to watch, to remind them that their lives are okay and better and they have things to be grateful for, I guess. Sometimes that's how it feels. I know that's not fair on them. I know mostly they really are just concerned for my well being. And there really is nothing they can do or say, other than maybe pass a tissue and a hug?

I am amazed at the camaraderie I'm finding amongst other recently single friends. Sheesh. I am surrounded. I'm glad I've got my appointment later today with the new therapist.

Survival Mode

I can't believe how my emotions are fluctuating on a day to day basis thru this process. Day 1 I got thru the daylight alright. Denial was rife and reality had definitely not yet set in. Aside from one minor glitch, where he didn't say "Speak to you later" when we said goodbye in the morning, it might've just been any other day ... except that I stopped myself messaging him when I felt the pang. Except that my brain and other people kept reminding me.

In the evening of Day 1, the wheels fell off and I got quite hysterical in that quiet time before bed. What have I done?

Day 2 was harder. During the daylight of Day 2 I was a complete mess and had a bit of a breakdown in the comfort of a quiet room with @jarredcinman. Hysterical tears and unattractive blubbing and sheer devastation as reality dawned. The evening of Day 2 was easier. Quieter. I went to SCM Dinner.

I don't really know what today holds. I feel quiet numb. I feel exhausted even tho I did manage to sleep. I woke up yawning. I'm drained and feel like I am in a fog. This is not my life. I guess denial might be back. But, yes, this is my life. One step at a time. That is all I'm managing.

I ache. I ache for the good and the love of The Trucker. I miss him terribly. I'm trying to be proactive. I've collected up all his things. I've made a list of what I need to get back from him. I've got an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. My Mom is coming to stay for the long weekend.

I hurt. This hurts so very much. I know I'll survive it. But I have lost something I'll never get back. This will probably be my biggest regret if it turns out I don't end up having kids. I keep wishing for things to turn out the way I dreamt they would with him. But I keep realising that he wasn't dreaming of the same things. That's what I'm struggling with.

I keep thinking this is what Survival Mode must feel like. Just make it thru another day any way you can.

Dear Life

This is quite probably the worst thing you've done to me so far. I'm not coping at all. Yesterday was filled with the surreal state of denial. I skipped gym so that I couldn't be left alone with my brain while swimming laps. I immersed myself in some escapism via series.

At around 6pm I felt myself floundering. Thanks to @clairam for providing a safe haven where I needn't be alone. And chicken mayo sarmies and wine.

I got home and collapsed in a pit of self-despair. I am broken. I don't know how to do this. Because I did it to myself. For the promise of something maybe. I am devastated by this decision. There were down-sides to my relationship with The Trucker, of course there were, we're both different people. But for the most part we were happy. And I was loved and spoilt. At the moment I can only remember the good and all the things I'm volunteering to miss out on :( My eyes are puffy from tears I can't stop.

I miss him terribly. Getting thru one night without each other is easy. It's the anticipation of every other night that is killing me. Every other moment of every day. I'm trying to get an appointment with a new therapist. I need help.

I don't know how to know you're making the right choice. With The Lying Pilot, I didn't have a choice. And that's maybe the closest kind of sad I've felt to this. But after 3 months I was wishing I could thank him for saving me from himself. I was grateful. I was still young.

With Bean, I had the promise of the unknown pushing me forward, because that was a tough decision too. But obviously when he realised he was gay however long it was later (less than a year tho, I think), it had been the right decision for us both. Varen was the easiest thing ever. I have never before been so excited about a break-up and the prospect of my own life. A weight was lifted.

Now, now I just want this boy back. And it's my choice, I guess. I can have him back, but what does that mean for the rest of my life? I never considered my life without kids. I have this idea of a happy family. And part of me isn't sure that The Trucker can give me that. In fact I'm pretty sure he can't because he has a different picture in his head. How much can you compromise. And who knows if that picture in your head, although it's what every person on your facebook timeline seems to have, is even attainable.

I'm facing the reality in my head that the people who are happily (?) married with kiddies have all been together for ages now. Well it seems that way to me. So maybe I have no chance of ever getting there. I feel like I've messed up my history with bad choices. They didn't seem so bad at the time but they clearly aren't getting me closer to where I wanted to be.

I don't want to be single again. I did it before, I survived. I like being part of something with someone. I'd like that to be more of a Team than The Trucker and I were (or probably would ever be), but I feel a lot like a cat trying to be put involuntarily into a bucket of water. I haven't looked up those 5 steps of grief, but I'm guessing based on this experience that right after Denial comes Bargaining. My head is desperately running rampant coming up with any possible alternate solution here, one where I get to keep this boy and life still turns out wonderfully and have children. But it hasn't managed any successful offerings yet :( I feel like the opposite of a Vampire right now. Daylight makes life seem manageable. But when the sun goes down I revert to a tearful hysterical mess.

I am a mess. A blubbering sad depressed lonely mess.

Puddle

Well, I guess that is that. We did not survive the weekend. Although we did spend the whole weekend together. I'm functioning on very little sleep and a heavy heart today.

Friday night was great fun. We baby-sat his niece. We took her to Adventure Golf at Brightwater. Let me tell you, you can only purchase 3 games at a time and that is definitely one game too many. It is just not that exciting. But we had a laugh, watching her hit the ball a million times and when asked how many shots it took, hearing her say "I think 3 or maybe 4". Haha. We stopped scoring about 3 holes into the evening.

After that we headed to Spur for dinner because there just weren't that many options at Brightwater (how does that centre survive?!). And hey, isn't that what you do on a Friday night when you have kids - haha. So yeah, the evening went well.

On Saturday we got up and headed to breakfast at Doppio and then to Sariga to get another kitchen quote for me. Haven't got it yet tho, made a few tweaks. We had a pretty relaxing Saturday afternoon ... well, I did, watching series while The Trucker worked next to me.

In the evening we got some take-out. I knew I'd have to ask on Sunday. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. If it was we would've talked about it already. But we were both hanging on for as long as we could.

We made crumpets with bacon for breakfast on Sunday morning and then he headed to cricket.

He brought over a pizza to share for lunch after cricket. I asked if we were going to talk about Friday. Later, after lunch, we did.

His mind hasn't changed. He still doesn't really want kids. He spoke to his therapist, who he's been thru this all with before. He still has good reasons for not wanting it. And I get how as much as he wants us to stay together, he can't compromise what he wants ... neither can I. Although I've never wished I didn't want children so much. And it has made me wonder. Giving up someone you have a mostly great relationship with for this thing you know nothing about and may never happen. How do you make these decisions. This is the hardest thing I've had to do.

We switched on the TV to distract us for the rest of the night. I made Sarah Graham's Awesome Peanut Sesame Chicken for dinner. He stayed over. We still like each other. Neither of us is angry. That's not entirely true, I think we're both probably a little angry that the other person didn't turn out to want the same things we did. Because, right now, that is honestly the only thing wrong with us. But if we carried on dating, it'd still never change. He has felt this way for years. And I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember.

It was hard this morning when we said goodbye but he didn't say "I'll speak to you later". Because he won't. I'll see him on Saturday for a wedding we'll still go to together. But he won't come to Cape Town over December and that will probably be that. I suppose we'll also have to plan when to swap all our stuff that is at the other's house. I guess that'll be this weekend too.

This sucks. I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much. Seriously, even tho there were some bumpy patches, I am crazy about that boy.

On the plus side, 13 December is no longer my break-up anniversary. Now it's just the whole of December I will have to ban myself seeing boyfriends during :P #sigh

Now what?