Puddle

Well, I guess that is that. We did not survive the weekend. Although we did spend the whole weekend together. I'm functioning on very little sleep and a heavy heart today.

Friday night was great fun. We baby-sat his niece. We took her to Adventure Golf at Brightwater. Let me tell you, you can only purchase 3 games at a time and that is definitely one game too many. It is just not that exciting. But we had a laugh, watching her hit the ball a million times and when asked how many shots it took, hearing her say "I think 3 or maybe 4". Haha. We stopped scoring about 3 holes into the evening.

After that we headed to Spur for dinner because there just weren't that many options at Brightwater (how does that centre survive?!). And hey, isn't that what you do on a Friday night when you have kids - haha. So yeah, the evening went well.

On Saturday we got up and headed to breakfast at Doppio and then to Sariga to get another kitchen quote for me. Haven't got it yet tho, made a few tweaks. We had a pretty relaxing Saturday afternoon ... well, I did, watching series while The Trucker worked next to me.

In the evening we got some take-out. I knew I'd have to ask on Sunday. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. If it was we would've talked about it already. But we were both hanging on for as long as we could.

We made crumpets with bacon for breakfast on Sunday morning and then he headed to cricket.

He brought over a pizza to share for lunch after cricket. I asked if we were going to talk about Friday. Later, after lunch, we did.

His mind hasn't changed. He still doesn't really want kids. He spoke to his therapist, who he's been thru this all with before. He still has good reasons for not wanting it. And I get how as much as he wants us to stay together, he can't compromise what he wants ... neither can I. Although I've never wished I didn't want children so much. And it has made me wonder. Giving up someone you have a mostly great relationship with for this thing you know nothing about and may never happen. How do you make these decisions. This is the hardest thing I've had to do.

We switched on the TV to distract us for the rest of the night. I made Sarah Graham's Awesome Peanut Sesame Chicken for dinner. He stayed over. We still like each other. Neither of us is angry. That's not entirely true, I think we're both probably a little angry that the other person didn't turn out to want the same things we did. Because, right now, that is honestly the only thing wrong with us. But if we carried on dating, it'd still never change. He has felt this way for years. And I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember.

It was hard this morning when we said goodbye but he didn't say "I'll speak to you later". Because he won't. I'll see him on Saturday for a wedding we'll still go to together. But he won't come to Cape Town over December and that will probably be that. I suppose we'll also have to plan when to swap all our stuff that is at the other's house. I guess that'll be this weekend too.

This sucks. I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much. Seriously, even tho there were some bumpy patches, I am crazy about that boy.

On the plus side, 13 December is no longer my break-up anniversary. Now it's just the whole of December I will have to ban myself seeing boyfriends during :P #sigh

Now what?