Ouch

Yip. I hurt. I hurt yesterday morning and I hurt again this morning. Mornings seem the worst for emotional hurt. My mood generally lifts thru the day thanks to distraction. I have this weird inkling that The Trucker has met someone new in spite of him saying he was off girls and relationships after this and going to take this year to sort his life out (although maybe it's all business related and I'm just reading too much into it). I know it shouldn't matter to me because I am trying my damnedest to move on too. But I feel like I should be the one who gets to move on first after being so hurt. Sob. I hate that his own separate life still affects me. I want to stop feeling this and I know I need a distraction that is more important to me. And, it's his mom's birthday today. Which I know doesn't mean anything at all. I know that I don't know the context of any of the things he writes on FB or twitter (which he's suddenly started using after almost a year ... and I am his only follower). I hurt. And I hate it.

The prevailing thought in my head on Monday evening before bed was: "I want to scream from the hilltops: I loved you, you idiot boy!". Sadly it doesn't matter one bit.

I also hurt physically right now, after 2 evenings of Boot Camp. Shew. Haha.

I am tired too. Probably because I've been going to bed late after reading my Kindle. That little percentage in the corner makes it feel like a competition, with myself :P Haha. I'm also tired emotionally. This is exhausting. Being heart-sore. Trying to meet new people. And that in itself is exhausting. Meeting new people, having all those conversations about yourself. Thinking of questions to ask them about themselves. Trying to find that right balance between interested and not too interested.

I am also doing some serious questioning about myself and my process of dating and attraction. I don't know how it works for other people, but I think I'm different. I don't really trust or act on that instant attraction thing. I mean yes, I sometimes become aware of people I have a potential interest in but that doesn't really count for anything for me. I tend to get to the point of forming an emotional attachment to someone who is around and then become interested in them romantically. I mean The Trucker and I were friends for ages & chatting online before I realised I was interested in him. At one point I was very worried he was interested in me because I wasn't interested in him. Not sure if that was just a timing thing on my part or who he was just grew on me to the point that I fell for him. And clearly by that time it was too late. Although I intended to have that Kids/No Kids discussion after dating for 3 months, I couldn't do it because I didn't want to hear the answer. And it was too late. I had fallen for him.

My therapist says I need to get those important questions out of the way upfront. But it's weird to have that conversation with someone you're not really sure you're interested in ... If I look back, @UselessRob and I also took a while to warm from friendship to involvement. Varen and I did too, and probably not simply because I was dating Bean at the time. We started out just being friends. This seems to be some sort of pattern. I don't know exactly when it started. I know with The Lying Pilot I was instantly interested in him and wanted him, but we were still just friends for a while beforehand.

I guess I'm a thinker ... not a gut-reaction sort of dater. This realisation is making my life very complicated ... I really don't know where to from here :(

Pushing the Limits by Angelina Whalley

Who is Gunther von Hagens? To some, the creator of BODY WORLDS is an imposter, to others, he is a genius, and then there are those who see him as a monster and troublemaker. For the first time, relatives, friends, and colleagues who have accompanied him through various periods of his life reveal deep insights into this controversial personality. By means of their stories and anecdotes, they spotlight the hitherto unknown facets of this idiosyncratic anatomist. They tell of the serious and the funny, of the exciting and the offensive; but in any case, their tales of one of the mysterious figures of our times are adventurous and enthralling. Like pieces of a mosaic, the illustrated articles on his childhood, his escape from the socialist German Democratic Republic, his time as a university anatomist, and his role as producer of exhibitions form a multifarious encounter with the inventor of plastination and with his work. 

I bought this book when I went to the Body Worlds Exhibition in Cape Town (which has been extended to 10 March, so you should definitely go if you haven't yet). It's strange to read as it's all different contributions on people thruout Gunther's life, as opposed to a regular biography. It's still very interesting and I enjoyed it. He seems like a fascinating man.

Variety

Morning. Shew. This being single thing is hard work. I have 2 mails to reply to after I finish this. I know, maybe that doesn't sound like hard work ... but getting to know people is actually exhausting. Coming up with new questions to ask. Got any suggestions ?

The rest of last week was fairly quiet. Stayed in on Wednesday, Thursday and actually Friday evening. Which was great :) I got my Kindle all set up and good to go and I even started reading my first book on it yesterday! I am loving it, can't believe it took me this long :) I resigned from real Book Club tho. I've stocked up on 30 books for my Kindle so am definitely not gonna have time to read anything else.

On Friday evening I stayed for after-work drinks and then grabbed some Indian take-out on my way home and settled in with some series :) On Saturday I was up at a reasonable hour to go and exchange the light bulbs for my Vietnam lamps. Everything was completed on Wednesday but the bulbs I'd bought didn't actually fit into the lamps so that was a bit annoying. But I can tell you, everything is now 100%. All the electrical work in my house is done (until such time as I may need a plug point for an extractor fan in the new kitchen ...) and I am so thrilled with it :)

After that I headed thru to Doppio in Rosebank for breakfast with @samanthaperry followed by a stroll down to Circa on Jellicoe to check out the Anthea Pokroy I Collect Gingers exhibition. I specifically wanted to go this weekend (or last) to catch the Beezy Bailey one as well. Loved it. So nice to do something a little different. Although I was surprised at how little space 500 portraits take up. And the most amusing thing really was that between the two of us, we recognised about 7 people. There's something very interesting about seeing the variation of people all grouped together like that.

After that I can't remember what I did. I ended up heading home with bags of stuff tho so obviously went shopping. It was all little bits and pieces ... and then I had a relaxing afternoon. In the evening I headed off to @Arkwife's for a braai ... and a set-up. She had this friend she thought I should meet. Haha. It turned out to be a great evening, although we only ate at 10pm. I think I've forgotten how braais go!

Sunday was a lovely relaxing day. I woke up and chilled out and finished my book while the bunnies ran and the birds visited. So thrilled I seem to have a regular Crested Barbet :) Love them. And then I got the grocery shopping out of the way and headed off to Emmerentia to meet up with @samanthaperry for a picnic with my Kindle in a shady spot. Emmerentia got too loud and I headed home for some more quality time with my new gadget. It does take a little getting used to ... even on the smallest font there is way less text per page than a regular book. And the whole one-side thing takes some getting used to.

And that was about my weekend. I find I miss The Trucker mostly when I'm driving home after being out. You know, when you know there's no one at home waiting for you or that you're not going home with someone who is part of your little unit. I can't explain it properly. But that's when I miss him. I missed him on Sunday morning as well. I don't know why, I used to hardly see him on a Sunday, what with him playing cricket. Maybe that's exactly why, because that's the day I don't expect him to be around but I know he's coming over later ... well he's not anymore so my system seems to still get a little jolt at that realisation. #sigh :(

This is Real Life

Well, it's a good thing I decided to write this morning and had something else to keep my post busy with yesterday.

This morning I'm feeling upbeat and good. Yesterday I was a puddle. Yes, I still have those moments ... I have to keep reminding myself that that is okay because it hasn't even been 2 months since things ended with The Trucker. Shew. So, just so you know, I am mostly okay ... I'd say for at least 85% of the time. Life has adjusted and swung into a new rhythm. I no longer have the jolt of panic over losing him when I wake up. Now I either have a sunken feeling of singleness or nothing at all.

And I am keeping busy :) On Monday night I went for sushi with TheBrad. Great to catch up and get some boy-perspective on things. One thing I will say, ever person I know who is single (it just reads weird when you write "every single person") complains about the same things ... where does one meet new people when we're our age and our social groups are so established?

On Tuesday evening I went to SCM Dinner. Happily I was able to give @samanthaperry some of my old jeans in trade for hers last week :) This whole swap-meet thing is freaking cool actually.

On Wednesday I was supposed to go for drinks with @Justinrender, but we rain-checked.

I had the Eco-Insulation guys come round yesterday afternoon and give me a quote. I signed on the dotted line and the installation should be going ahead in 3 weeks :) YAY. I am super excited about this. I can't wait to feel the difference in my sweltering house.

And I'm making great strides in my multi-pronged approach to meeting new people :) Am back on Internet Dating and putting in a little more effort (already started a conversation with someone), I've signed up for one of the Meet Joburg February events. I have plenty of friends helping out too, organising braais and parties with new people that I don't know (okay so that's not the actual reason for the parties, but it's a giant plus for me regardless). And I'm planning a party for March.

It's a pretty cool idea that I had before I started dating The Trucker and never ended up organising. I'm calling it a Six Degrees Singles Party. Basically everyone who comes has to bring a Single friend of the opposite sex. That way everyone knows someone there and is connected to everyone thru the other people there ... I've never been one for those random meetings in a club. I preferred the days in Cape Town when if you did meet someone in a club (in Claremont) you could track back to someone in common thru school and mutual friends. I like it better that way. Plus if someone catches your eye you know how to a) get more background on them and b) how to get in touch with them again ;) We're waiting till March because we're anticipating ending up with 20 - 30 people and need a suitable venue (my house won't cut it).

Mom is also sending me for Brain Training in February. She tried it last year and suggested it. I'm keen to try :)

Yes, I'm still sad. But I'm determined to be okay and life will go on. I think the hardest part for me at the moment (it's weird to be able to see almost tangibly how your thinking shifts day-to-day) is that I feel like my life has been rewound back to 2010. Yes, I know I had this awesome relationship and some great experiences and holidays and feelings, but it is a little bit like I was in a coma and it was all imaginary and unreal and awesome but now I've woken, back where I left off ... does that even make sense? I've never felt this way about a relationship before.

On Buying My Kindle Paperwhite

So, it's been a month-long road ... which is impressive in itself if I consider that I was completely against the idea of the Kindle for a very long time and never imagined myself a convert. To be clear, I'm not a gadget person. Not. At. All. Although I'm moving to a place mentally where I can justify certain gadgets due to how much I actually use things ... like after my big refusal to move to the Blackberry, this year I actually plan to upgrade myself to a Samsung Galaxy SIII. Because I've realised that the problem my head has paying so much for such a tiny device (although it is somehow okay with spending 5K on a laptop) is ridiculous when I consider how much I use my phone (especially in comparison with said laptop). Although that said I haven't managed to convince myself that it's worth upgrading my laptop although it drives me crazy with how slow it is ... but I just don't use it that often honestly.

So anyway, I did consider the Kindle debate back before I went on the Trans-Mongolian Railway ... but opted instead for good old fashioned books. But I quickly realised the error of my ways once on the train. I was limiting myself to 200 pages a day to make the 3 books I'd taken last. And that left me with nothing to read for the remainder of my trip in China. And 3 books in my luggage I couldn't part with (although I love the idea of the swap libraries in hostels around the world ... I like owning certain books).

Then when  I got back it seemed silly to get one. Since I never really know what my next trip is gonna be and I had no immediate need. But I started thinking about possibilities for holidays this year and when I was considering a Mediterranean Cruise, it seemed like another good idea ... and when I packed 2 books to keep me busy on my flight to Cape Town and back over December it definitely seemed like the way to go!

I decided just before I left for Cape Town that I'd buy myself one. Then I discovered that, while Amazon is probably the best place to actually buy a Kindle, I wanted the Paperwhite (newest technology while I'm at it and all) and they would NOT ship that to South Africa. They won't even let you get to the check-out. It was very disappointing.

So I searched a bunch of the South African sites and they were all far more expensive than Amazon (with the currency conversion) would've been. I found the cheapest price on Have2Have, it was about R1500. I was sold!

But I decided that because their estimated delivery date meant it'd probably arrive while I was still in Cape Town, but if it was even a day late, I'd be back in Joburg, I'd wait a week and order when I knew for sure I'd be back in Joburg to receive it. Silliest move I've made thru this process, honestly.

By the time I was ready to order my Kindle Paperwhite from Have2Have, their delivery dates were screwy. In fact they still are. The site currently says: Delivery Estimate: Saturday 02 March 2013 to Monday 15 July 2013. I mean really? That must be the vaguest concept of a delivery estimate I've ever seen in my life. There was not a chance I was going that route. I monitored it for a week or two. Because, let's face it, it's not an urgent purchase for me. Then their price fluctuated up to R1946. Which put it back on a par with everyone else in SA selling one. But there did seem to be a stock shortage.

So on Monday I decided to just bite the bullet and give up waiting for Have2Have to fluctuate back to the lower price and a reasonable delivery date and I found someone selling it on Bid or Buy. Now I haven't used Bid or Buy in ages, but I've never had a problem buying on it. But I'll admit I was a little nervous with this kind of item.

The seller, wecangetit, has a fantastic 100% positive rating and it's made up of plenty of previous purchases. AND (most importantly) he had 3 in stock of the model I wanted. Sold!

What a fantastic experience. Seriously, my Kindle Paperwhite was delivered to the office yesterday afternoon at 4pm. (The service from The Courier Guy was superb too! What a pleasure) Okay so it meant I had to skip Boot Camp, but totally worth it :) Took it home and unpacked it and charged it up ... and now I am on the hunt for books! Anyone got some ebooks they recommend that they wanna email me? gladtobeagirl AT gmail.com

Once I figure out how easy it is to full it up with books, I think I am definitely going to be sold on this little gadget and wonder what took me so long to get one! Haha. But that's okay, I have one now! Now to pick a cover for it ...

This is My Life

Urgh. Monday. Again. Not in an especially great place this morning. Woke up in one of those "This is Your Life" Moods. You know, where life is passing you by and you're plodding along doing the same thing week in and week out. And while yes, I know, these happen while you're in a relationship too, it just feels so much more overwhelming when I feel like I have this whole thing hanging over my head.

It's like this insurmountable thing I have to achieve :( Find. A. Mate. Find someone who'll be there for the long term. Find someone who wants a family more than going out and getting drunk and being irresponsible (I know most people seem to do this automatically once in a relationship, because they no longer feel they *have* to go out and what not). Find someone who contributes, emotionally, with ideas for what to do and dreams and physically when things need doing. #sigh

More weekend realisations that while I'm fine alone, it's not fun alone. I found myself missing The Trucker this weekend. On these lovely rainy afternoons while watching series. I remember missing someone in my space while I was single between Varen and The Trucker too. I remember thinking I wouldn't find someone to fill it again. I did. And now he's gone too. There'll probably be someone else ... eventually. I'm remember all the little things of how we got together ... because I'm wondering how it'll ever happen again. I know I did this last time I was single too. And it did happen again and in a totally different way. But I can't imagine it again. I'm still sad. I still miss him. I'm angry that he couldn't figure things out. I'm angry that everyone around me seems to have found someone (and I also, if I stop to think logically, know this isn't true). But, me, I want to be one of those ones who has it figured out. I need to start writing blog posts I don't start crying during :P Every single person I know complains bitterly about meeting people. Yet I can't seem to face internet dating again ... Where do we meet people anymore?

Anyway, that said, I had a pretty good weekend. Lots of lazing around watching series (now that my hard drive is fixed and a new one has been ordered). On Friday night tho, I went to a girl-friend from work's. We drank wine and ate Steers and chatted the night away. Seriously, it went from 21h30 to 00h30 in the blink of an eye. So that was good :)

Did some admin on Saturday morning, buying the rest of the electrical supplies I need for the job to get finished on Wednesday. Put in the rest of the LED bulbs. Loving it :) And then I went on a lemon/lime tree mission. The dream was to find a grafted tree that included both, sadly that proved impossible. But I did find a nice little Lime tree, so I can use both the fruit and the (dried) leaves - could only find these trees at Earthland. Everywhere else just has the plain old boring limes. So have added that to the mix :)

On Saturday evening I headed out to the Vale for a house party (for Bokkie's girlfriend's birthday) ... with a James Bond theme. I wore my new coral dress. Looked awesome :) Sadly the pic I took does not do justice to the colour of the dress at all ... It was not quite what I was expecting. I think I've gotten too old for the house parties I remember. Or maybe everyone is too coupled up? Anyway, it was still an okay evening and fun to get dressed up.

On Sunday I woke up to a gloriously rainy day. I had a little bit of a lie-in with my book and then headed off to get the grocery shopping out of the way. I had a very lazy rest of the day on the couch. And popped past Briguy's to check out his amazing new outdoor area and stock up on some new series. He had this little bat clinging to his gate. Cute thing.

Dear Universe, feel free to surprise me any time now ...

Yes, I'm a Greeny

Shew. Got distracted from posting this morning by a birthday breakfast for Maroon at Vovo Telo :)

So this week has been average. Well, the new average. I still have distinct moments of missing The Trucker. They come out of the blue and hit me, well, like a truck :P Har har. But aside from that I'm okay and still keeping busy. I suspect this will be the order of the day for a while to come. Although I feel that busy has always been a trend ;)

Tuesday was SCM. And then last night @clairam and I went to @samanthaperry's place for home made pizza, wine and clothes! @samanthaperry was ditching a bunch of her old wardrobe and we dived in ... I definitely came home with far more than I was expecting. Especially since I'm so unfamiliar with what seems to actually be natural clothing-related bonding between girls. It was a lovely evening :)

Probably my most exciting news for this week tho has been the kick-off of #HomeImprovement2013 :) Had the electrician/handyman from the office (who has done loads of work for other people in the office and came to re-do my already dying again grass last year) come in on Wednesday and install all the stuff I've been buying and stock-piling since last year. So what did I get done? My lounge and passage lights were removed and have been replaced with down-lighters (with fancy *expensive* LED bulbs) and there are new light fittings in the kitchen and the 2 bedrooms. I had my geyser blanket put in and a DB timer switch for it. He fixed up some of the work done half-heartedly by The Trucker last yet (hid a bunch of cables to my Moroccan Light and wired it so that the Vietnam Lights will have their own switch, moved the garage light switch to a usable place, mounted the outside plug-point onto the wall and added a new one for my fairy lights). I am over the moon with the fixes :) It'll all be completed next Wednesday - the fairy lights and the Vietnam lights don't have power yet. And in even more exciting news, next week I'm getting Eco Insulation out to give me a quote for the roof insulation (was waiting for the down-lighters to be installed before then).

I had a Hard Drive crisis this week too. Currently I have my one major hard drive (2Tb) that is pretty much permanently plugged into my TV. It has my whole life on it pretty much. Photos, Series, Documents. Everything. No, I don't have a back up. It's a pretty stable drive and doesn't get moved around much. I know this is still not smart at all. I do have another little portable one too, but it's just usually for getting new series from DJ Mike.

So while the guys were in doing the lighting on Wednesday, they moved some of my furniture around. And I found my hard drive sans usb port that evening. My hard drive was now a very expensive rattle. And I was in a panic.

I tried my hardest to open the damn thing, but nothing budged. Thankfully I brought it into work on Thursday and the techie guys managed to get it open and diagnose the problem. The hard drive (and my data) was safe and sound, I'd just need a new case for the drive. Which I now have so life is back to good. I have also ordered a new 1Tb Hard drive to use for series in my TV. So the 2Tb one can be packed away in a cupboard as a back up.

Day by Day

Just wanted to share how nice it is to have a solid night's sleep and most especially not to wake up in an immediate panic over the state of my life and for my first thought, on waking, to not be of my ex boyfriend. It's a welcome change.

The Silent Girl by Tess Gerritsen

A VIOLENT DEATH: When a hand is found in an alley in Boston's Chinatown, it is detective Jane Rizzoli who finds its owner - a woman whose throat has been slashed so deeply that her head is nearly severed.

A REVEALING CLUE: Two strands of silver hair cling to her body. They are Rizzoli's only clues, but they're enough for her and pathologist Maura Isles to make a startling discovery. This violent end had a chilling prequel.

A SECRET BETTER LEFT BURIED? . . . Years earlier, a horrifying murder-suicide took place in a Chinatown restaurant, leaving five people dead. But one woman connected to that massacre is still alive: a mysterious, beautiful martial arts master who knows a deadly secret.

A secret that will kill again - unless Jane and Maura can track it down, and defeat it...

This was okay. I think I'm tainted by having watched the Rizzoli & Isles TV Series now tho ... Haha. Yeah, I didn't think it was an amazing twist. But this is probably fine for light holiday reading :)

Mindset

Wow I had a crazy busy weekend. Which is good. Good to keep busy. This morning I'm kinda reflective. I know there'll be good and bad, up and down days still. But I feel like after my post on Friday I've been okay. And I was okay before The Trucker's email on Wednesday evening too.

I think I learnt this weekend that my pain, which I feel and is real, is no longer specifically related to The Trucker at all. Yes, the situation with him has hurt me, but I do understand his perspective. I'm not sure he understands mine exactly, but I do get his. I remember how I felt when Bean started talking about us maybe moving to Japan for his work the following year and the realisation I felt that I couldn't carry on dating him because there was no way I could move half way across the world to a country who's language I couldn't speak, where I only knew him and he'd be at work all day and I probably wouldn't even be able to work. The realisation was a breaking point for me, when I knew we weren't forever. I guess that's what I assume The Trucker is going thru. Me saying I want kids in the next few years and him realising that means he can't carry on dating me because it's not what he wants.

I wanna hate him for it. But I can't. I don't like him for it, but I know just because I was ready for a whole life with him doesn't make him ready for one with me. And now I know my pain is around what I've lost, not around him. I've done the being alone thing. I know who I am. I enjoyed the time I had to myself between Varen and The Trucker. And I'm fine at being alone now. I manage. My life hasn't changed much. I do all the things I did before ... go to work, go to Boot Camp, go to SCM, see my friends, watch movies and series and get up to all sorts of other things. My life is not what is making me sad. It's not loving someone or being loved by someone that is making the hole in my heart.

I walk thru shopping malls and I still spot things I think he'd like and I would've bought for him before. It sounds dumb, but the mere act of including someone in your life and doing something for them. I miss that. I miss being loved by someone too. I miss just having someone around in the quiet time. When I was reading my book on my bench on Saturday morning and there was no one still inside asleep. When I was sitting on my couch on Sunday evening sipping a glass of wine while watching series, there was no one warm sitting with me.

It's weird to realise it's not him. I know eventually there'll be someone else. There are plenty of people out there and I think most people are actually looking for these simple things. After all, that's how The Trucker and I started out ... keeping each other company. Unfortunately we came apart when I needed more. That's gonna be a the trick next time. And, obviously, finding someone I want more with again :P I think I kinda just assumed it would happen one day with Bean. And I knew it wasn't what I wanted with Varen for a long time before we broke up (you'd think that would've spurred me to break up sooner?). But I think this was the first time I really really was ready and wanted to do it in such a tangible way. And I guess that's kinda scary for someone else who isn't there yet.

Right, did NOT mean to get into all that right now, but I guess that's what this blog writing / emotional purging is about sometimes ;) Back to my weekend ....

On Friday evening I headed to DJMike and his wife's place for dinner. Yay, and we got to eat fish and it was delish! I'm focusing on all the good stuff I can do now that The Trucker is not included - he hated fish. (I also made my favourite dinner for myself on Thursday evening that he used to make for us, and it was pretty good for a first attempt!). Was a lovely evening catching up with them and seeing the wedding and honeymoon photos.

On Saturday morning I met up with @louisabouwer and Nicola at Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens for an ice-cream and a wander and a jolly good catch-up. Just what I needed. Thanks for the hugs and the words of wisdom. As much as I want to meet that person who I can have the future in my head with, it's nice hearing from someone who's done it that they're confident you'd manage fine as a single mom if it comes down to that ... Nicola is at such a fabulous age now, and she even remembered my name :) One of my favourite little people, right there ... Louisa, you are doing a fantastic job!

I did a little bit of an attempted shop afterwards ... and passed The Trucker with only a wave and a pang in the pit of my stomach in the mall. Shew. I hate that instant full-bodied shock reaction you get when you see them unexpectedly. I haven't had it in years, what with all my exes leaving the country ;)

On Saturday evening we'd organised a girl's night out in Greenside. We started with dinner at Topo Gigio, which was quite nice. Then we headed to The Office and a little later to Tokyo Star. Okay, I won't lie, this whole "clubbing" thing is gonna take some getting used to. I know The Trucker is back to his single ways and hitting the Doors every weekend again too ... because he seems to document every move on Facebook suddenly. Honestly, I think he has checked in and tagged his friends and uploaded more photos since we broke up than he ever tagged them or me in the entire time we were dating. I know it shouldn't matter, but it kinda feels like a big Gee, Thanks and that he wasn't "proud" of dating me. Which I know is probably all in my head but I feels like that anyway.

So yeah, I'll say it, I still prefer Saturday evenings spent at home, curled up on the couch watching TV. Or out for a nice dinner or you know? This whole standing around waiting for a decent song (cause the music was rubbish), unable to have any conversations, and just browsing the people around you ... and then there's the getting spoken to by the biggest idiots in the place thing. These boys latch onto you and it's hard to get the message across that you think they're morons and they just keep turning up :P Well, it seems like that when any of the girls in your group randomly knows one of the guys in theirs ... so First Rule of Clubbing: Don't speak to any boys you don't want following you around hopefully for the rest of the evening.

Drank Coke Zero all night ... which I'm sure adds to the more critical view of the whole event. And got home before 1am. I had a handyman coming round at 9:30am on Sunday morning to tell me everything I needed to still buy to get the electrical work done. I'm putting in down-lighters in the lounge and entrance and I need lights put into my Vietnam shades, and a bunch of little other things. Excited to get that done. The geyser blanker & timer switch will be going in too :) And then I'll be able to get the Roof Insulation put in. Checking things off on that house-list!

After that, I headed off to Builders to go and get everything and do my weekly grocery shop. And later in the afternoon, I went to watch Silver Linings Playbook. Movies are an easy way to kill time alone, thankfully. Honestly, I was hoping for more ... it looked a lot funnier from the trailer. It was okay tho.

A Million Little Pieces

Well, my heart is broken into a million pieces. Well, that is what it feels like. Literally and figuratively. Shattered. It's a feeling.

So this week ... Monday was fine, a quiet night in at home, so was Wednesday and Thursday evening. It's my first week back at boot camp so I've been a little exhausted. Never thought I'd say I'd missed it, but I kinda did. And I've been working my way thru Dexter Season 7. Tuesday was, as usual, SCM Dinner.

Aside from that, I am doing generally okay, making plans, getting on with my life. On Wednesday evening tho, I finally got that email from The Trucker that I was expecting.

Nope, he hasn't changed his mind. I'm exhausted. I'm done trying. I'm giving up. I can't make him see something he is finding all sorts of excuses to escape from. Clearly life really is about timing and it just doesn't matter how good your relationship is otherwise.

I love him, I want to be his girlfriend, I want to live with him, I want a future with him. But, none of those things will ever happen. He is going thru his own stuff. It is really over now. And I'm not sure we'll speak again. He wants to be friends. Pah! Who can do that? I still care too much for that right now. It hurts. It hurts to see what he's up to ... he's gone from one FB status update every 2 weeks to more than one a day (and no, I can't look away ... what a bizarre form of masochism). I can kinda understand. I think I'm more prolific on twitter these days. When you're alone you need a way to reach out to other people. But there he is, out doing things he should be doing with me .... I miss seeing his name in my profile too. I hate not being connected to him. And yes, I know, I'm out doing things too.

So I'm moving on. I have to. It hurts to much to remember. I am so so sad. I know, in 3 months or 6 months or a year or maybe only when I have found someone new to love and adore, I'll be able to look back fondly on the awesome relationship we had and how many great experiences we got to share. But for now it's just too painful.

Again, on the plus side, I know in a few days I'll be numb again and life will feel manageable again. I have a lot of stuff coming up, keeping me busy. And now, I guess, I've become Interviewing For a Husband. Sigh. I feel old. And tired. And I just want to find someone who wants the same things from life that I do and settle down and live a quiet full life. Who knew what a tall order that would be :P

Back to Jozi

Righto, back to reality, for really real now. I was actually a little surprised at how life got harder emotionally suddenly being back in Jozi, the reality of The Trucker not being around struck me again. No, we still haven't spoken since NY. I kinda wondered if I'd bump into him on the plane since we'd booked our flight home together ... but by Friday I knew he was already back here (thanks Facebook). Wow, every time I see a status update of what he's doing it hurts :(

Anyway, last Thursday evening I hung around in Sea Point after work. Took a nice long walk on the promenade and had an ice cream and read my book for a bit. Killing time before meeting Mom and Dad for dinner at The Peeb's house. We had home made gnocchi.

On Friday evening I headed out to Home Bar with The Divine Miss M and some of her friends followed by a drink at Oblivion in my first attempt at a normal Friday night as a single girl. It felt super weird being out and trying to check people out. It just makes me feel sad ... I don't want to be here, stuck in the cattle car again. Yeah before I moved to Joburg I used to go out young and full of confidence, and the possibility of who you might meet made it fun. It isn't anymore. I'm old now and I no longer feel confident and I'm not interested in a random stranger ... *sob* Right, moving along, this is not helping my mood.

Aside from that, it was an okay evening. I had the Butter Chicken Enchilada at Home Bar for dinner which was quite tasty although a little too much food for me. And they do these awesome Jaeger Bomb Slushies in a double shot glass, that was quite yummy. Oblivion has changed since I was last there, it's now got quite a nice upstairs area and an official dance floor. Was good to catch-up with the recently married Evil Bob too. Aside from reminding me that even all the boys from my year are married now. Sob, it really does just feel like me ...

On Saturday morning I headed off to The Biscuit Mill to meet up with a friend from work. What a spectacular day. Was so lovely catching up with her outside of the office. She ended a 15yr relationship 2.5 months ago. See, everyone is breaking up! She even said she'd noticed it too and apparently it happens in Spring. Wtf? (In other news, on FB I saw another old work-colleague of mine and her husband have split ... and they have 4 girls under 10! Eep) Anyway, we had a lovely wander thru the shops, and ate Flammkuchen (delish!) and drank my favourite, Eversons Cider.

After that I headed out to Kommetjie to visit Liary and her little boy. Awe, so lovely to see them and catch-up :) It hurt a little this trip, knowing I was going to see Jam and Liary and their two babes, having just broken up with The Trucker because it's not what he wants. But meeting these 2 little people just confirmed for me what I'm looking for. And while it's hard knowing other people have already found it and made these happy little families, I know I need to keep trying. It is definitely what I am looking for.

On Saturday evening I went for a last dinner with Mom and Dad to 5 Rooms at The Alphen. Wow. Just wow. The service was spectacular. And made all the more sweet by the shocking service I've experienced elsewhere while I've been in Cape Town recently. The food was also so good. We shared their Tempura Prawns to start and then I had their Springbok Duo. I thought I might have a little order envy, Mom and Dad both had the Duck. But nope, once I tasted mine I was very pleased. Highly recommend this spot for a fancy dinner out.

Yesterday we headed to the airport early. I'd heard terrible things about the queues, even if you'd already checked in online. Oh my, I am amazed how few people seem to realise this is an option for them on Kulula. The queues for normal check-in were super long, even tho they have plenty of self-check-in counters all around the airport. I had like 4 people in front of me at the bag drop. Such an improved way of doing things :)

Grabbed a quick Wimpy breakfast with Mom and Dad before I flew and then it was back to Jozi.

Headed out grocery shopping before I even went home and then popped off to Lifestyle to buy some veggies for my new garden :) It is probably not the best time of year to start planting, but I am too excited. I got myself a little cherry tomato bush and some bigger tomato seeds (planted along with the seeds Daddio had already given me from his tomatoes in Cape Town). Some Butter Lettuce, which I think I've planted in too sunny a spot, but we'll see how it goes. And then a basil and mint bush (for the bunnies). I still want to get myself some strawberries and a lime tree (which will need it's own pot). And then yeah, see how it goes.

Was good  to see the Bundles again, although they're not really interested in me at the moment. Had to mow the lawn which was almost knee high - haha! So yeah, had a bit of an admin afternoon just settling back in at home. And this evening it's back to Boot Camp for me ... and better eating. The eating plan and gym went pretty much out the window for December.

I'm in this weird place of going thru the motions of life. There's technically nothing wrong and my routine remains the same, but I know something is missing. Some one. I wouldn't say I'm lonely. It's more just having someone around that I am missing. Someone to share things with. #sigh

Starters by Lissa Price

First, Callie lost her parents. Then she lost her home. And, finally, she lost her body. But she will stop at nothing to get it back ...Callie and her little brother are on the run, living as squatters, fighting off unclaimed renegades who would kill for a cookie. But with the Body Bank comes a promise of much-needed cash, and with it, hope. And then despair ...The Bank allows teenagers to rent out their bodies to those who want to be young again. But Callie's renter intends to do more than party in her body. She intends to murder ..

Loved this. Seriously, can NOT wait for the sequel, Enders, to come out :) It is a little sci-fi and probably the one I've enjoyed most since The Host (not including all the In Death series books ... I hardly consider them sci-Fi although I guess technically they are set 50yrs in the future).

Rollercoaster

Slowly becoming numb to life without The Trucker again. Haven't heard a word since we wished each other for New Years shortly after the clock ticked over.

So here's what you missed. I messaged him on Xmas morning. I was always planning to do so. But I wasn't really planning on initiating any contact other than that until his 30th birthday in February. I still miss him, but not speaking or knowing what he's up to helps me recover and move on with my life.

We messaged a few times in the morning, we miss each other, especially on a day like that. He sends a lot of hugs and kisses whenever we message. For the last two December trips to Cape Town, I've been in pretty much daily bbm contact with this boy. This year has been very hard :( Later in the afternoon, he asked if I was free on Boxing Day evening.

I avoided answering. I asked if I could think about it and let him know. He was obviously still using his flights to Cape Town, that were originally booked for him to come to join me. Kulula apparently won't refund you for a ticket after it's booked. All you can do is reschedule it so he'd decided to use it.

The next morning I said yes, I'd see him. I had thought about it. It was probably a bad idea, but the truth is I suck with "What if" and if I didn't go, in spite of however much it may hurt me further, I had to go, to see him, to know.

He was staying miles away, with no transport and I drove out to meet him. We went to dinner. He ate, I couldn't stomach anything. We chatted like normal initially. But the stupid boy said something (later in the week he said he'd just been kidding, but well, whatever). "You should've just flushed your birth control. Seriously, that's what you should've done". Seriously?

We spoke more about things that evening. (We didn't kiss or even hold hands tho) We chatted a little the next day. He was being collected by a stranger and taken to Ceres to buy a motorbike, I wanted to make sure he was okay and safe. He also let me know when he arrived in Robertson for the night.

I sent him a long email that night about things. He'd squashed any hope I had the week before, but now he'd given me a flicker. He messaged me when he stopped for lunch on his bike ride to Nature's Valley and again when he'd arrived safely. 3 days ending with "Good night sleep tight" messages.

On Sunday when he messaged to say hi, I called him. I was a mess. I was up and down and all over the place. Checking my phone constantly. Swinging wildly between hope and despair. We chatted some more. He'd read my email and he didn't know what he wanted. #sigh.

I know he misses me, but he doesn't seem to miss me enough to take this chance that everything could work out wonderfully. I think we've reached a state of over over-thinking things. I feel like he is trying to plan and guess at every possible outcome of this and decide if he's okay with it ... and if he finds even one possibility he's not comfortable with he's gonna run. I'm scared of many things too. Of us not getting back together and of never meeting someone better. Of us getting back together and breaking up for some other random reason before we have a kid and ending up right back here in the same place but older. Of us getting back together and having a kid and breaking up when they're still young ...No one knows the future. But not doing anything out of fear is surely no way to live. Then you might as well never leave your house for fear of being run over by a car or something.

I want this, I want him. I'm willing. I'm willing to work at it, to take the ups with the downs ... but I don't know for how much longer. I know this has made me a better partner for whoever I do settle down with. Because I've reached that place, the place where I know not everything is perfect, but if you can find enough happiness with each other it's totally worth working at it.

Unfortunately I don't get the feeling he is there. I don't really know if he can work at anything else that might go wrong based on how he's handled this ... Part of me believes that it has nothing to do with kids or his future with me specifically. In his past, he has always been able to get up and leave a situation when he didn't like it, get space. Or just head off to somewhere in the world on his own just because he wanted to without considering or waiting for someone else (he traveled a lot while his ex-girlf stayed home). I think he's terrified of feeling trapped and not being able to do those things, those survival tactics that have got him thru life till now. He's always only relied on himself and been completely independent, even if other people are relying on him, he's not relying on them. I don't know if he can be part of a team. I want someone who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them ...

Yeah, the truth is if in the next while he turned around and said "Sure thing, let's do this", I'd probably take him back ... I still love him. But it would take work and effort on his part.

What has been especially hard thru all of this has been being able to imagine my future so clearly, my future happiness and relationship ... and know that I have so little control over it. I can't make him see what I see and the chances are good that although it's close enough to see I'll never reach it. That's a little soul-destroying, I won't lie.

So he seems to have stopped talking to me again ... which is a good thing. He knows he's hurting me and I know he doesn't want to and that does make it hard for him. And if he did message me again I would have to be quite clear, unless he wants to talk thru his decision or ask questions to help him reach it, I can't help him anymore. I've told him the ball is in his court, he needs to figure things out. I know where I stand and there are things I can't budge on. Although there are many other things I am totally negotiable on.

Yip, it's been one hard week emotionally.

Plum Island by Nelson DeMille

NYPD homicide detective John Corey has moved to Long Island, restlessly recuperating from wounds received in the line of duty when he's hired to consult on the murder of Tom and Judy Gordon, biologists who worked on Plum Island, the site of animal disease research for the Department of Agriculture. Were the Gordons murdered because they'd stolen some valuable new vaccine, or even a dreaded virus? They'd obviously outspent their income. Had they been running drugs? Corey doesn't think so, although an ice-chest missing from their home points to something forbidden. He teams up with Beth Penrose, detective, working her first homicide & their visit to Plum Island reveals only that the FBI & CIA have sanitised the place. Then Corey falls in with Emma Whitehouse, an expert on Captain Kidd's lost treasure which is thought to be buried nearby..

Okay so I didn't really know what to expect from this ... I've never read a Nelson DeMille before ... and he sounded like one of those churn-em-out authors like James Patterson (and it looks like he has the same cover designer too :P). But I thoroughly enjoyed this :) I especially enjoyed the tone of it and the lead character, John Corey, was fabulously written. Seriously, I highly recommend this one. I will no doubt definitely try more of DeMille's books given the chance :)

Hello 2013

Well. Somehow I made it here. I still feel like I'm walking in a bit of a haze. Hard to find the good in life at the moment.

It's been a long Xmas holiday. The truth is I doubt I would've come to Cape Town for this long if I'd known I was going to be here alone. It's been a month since we broke up today :(

I've tried to keep busy but life has become even more complicated since Boxing Day ... when I saw The Trucker ... and we've been messaging most days since then. Apparently he's not really sure what he wants. #Sigh. I'll tell you all that story tomorrow rather. But it led to many an emotional up and down. I don't really know how I feel right now. I guess I have a little hope. Maybe like 5 - 7 % that he'll actually figure things out for himself and want the same things I do. Mostly I expect he won't. He's not really a grand-gesture kinda guy in my experience ... if I moved on he'd just say oh well, that's life and it's not meant to be. But on the flip side he won't say well, I really want you so lets just give this a bash. But yes, let's talk about this tomorrow instead.

The highlights of my trip to Cape Town included:

1. Culture
I started out with a definitely highlight of my trip by going to the Body Worlds exhibition on at the V&A Waterfront. Wow. Seriously. It's on till the end of January and I'd highly recommend it if the human body interests you at all. I ended up buying his biography, but I haven't started it yet ...



I decided (when I realised I'd be single on this trip) to go to a few of the Cape Town museums I'd never been to before. I'm much more of a tourist in Joburg. The Divine Miss M and I went to check out the Prestwich Memorial (which The Peeb worked on). I wasn't very impressed at all. It all felt just a little too bland (and this is from someone with an actual interest!). Because of all the (dumb) fighting about what to do with the bones that were dug up, there is absolutely NO human element here. It's all just boring history to read.

Then we headed to the District Six Museum. This swung to the extreme opposite end of the scale with more human element than one person can absorb. I liked it tho, I think the museum has been well done, and I'm sure means a lot more to the people who's story it is telling than I can imagine. I felt angry when I left, about what had been done to these people. So unnecessary. So, I guess that's a win in this museum's column :)

After lunch, The Divine Miss M headed home and I went to the South African Jewish Museum and Holocaust Centre. The Jewish museum is probably a bit of a waste unless you're actually Jewish or have a specific interest. There was a current exhibition on Jews in District Six, so that was quite interesting having just been to that museum. But otherwise I'd skip this one and go straight to the Holocaust Centre.

Wow. I'd highly recommend a visit to this one. It was fascinating and well done and powerful.

2. Escapism
So I've done a lot of reading on this trip. Back to my favourite holiday novels, JD Robb's In Death Series. I think I re-read a few tho, because I didn't blog about what I read last December holiday so I couldn't remember how far thru the series I'd gotten.



07. Holiday in Death
19. Visions in Death
21. Origin in Death
22. Memory in Death
23. Born in Death
24. Innocent in Death

All fabulous, as usual. Except perhaps not doing wonders for my heart ache when I don't have a boy who's going to sweep in and save me because he wants nothing more than me in his life. #sigh. Haha.

* This book is part of the In Death series: Naked in Death (1995), Glory in Death (1995), Immortal in Death (1996), Rapture in Death (1996), Ceremony in Death (1997), Vengeance in Death (1997), Holiday in Death (1998), ~Midnight in Death (1998), Conspiracy in Death (1999), Loyalty in Death (1999), Witness in Death (2000), Judgment in Death (2000), Betrayal in Death (2001), ~Interlude in Death (2001), Seduction in Death (2001), Reunion in Death (2002), Purity in Death (2002), Portrait in Death (2003), Imitation in Death (2003), Divided in Death (2004), Visions in Death (2004), Survivor in Death (2005), Origin in Death (2005), Memory in Death (2006), ~Haunted in Death (2006), Born in Death (2006), Innocent in Death (2007), Creation in Death (2007), ~Eternity in Death (2007), Strangers in Death (2008), Salvation in Death (2008), ~Ritual in Death (2008), Promises in Death (2009), Kindred in Death (2009), ~Missing in Death (2009), Fantasy in Death (2010), Indulgence in Death (2010), ~Possession in Death (2010), Treachery in Death (2011), New York to Dallas (2011), ~Chaos in Death (2011), Celebrity in Death (2012), Delusion in Death (2012) ~ included in Anthologies

Also watched a few movies. Saw Skyfall. Meh. I was not that impressed, I thought it was pretty flat. None of the typical James Bond gadgetry or romance really. Casino Royale is still my favourite and probably the only one I'd watch more than once.

Also saw Life of Pi. Which I loved. Wow, I wasn't really sure how they'd manage to get it right, but they did. It had some pretty hectic bits tho so I'm not sure I'd take kiddies to see it ... although there were some in the cinema where I watched it.

3. Food
As is typical, I ate out plenty ... went to Greens for lunch with Jam and her gorgeous 5month old daughter :) Shared a tasty pizza.

Went to Knead Muizenberg on Boxing Day with Mom. The service was completely shocking ... and I wasn't all that impressed by the food either. I won't be going back.

Had lunch at Lola's on Long Street on my museum day with The Divine Miss M. Service also left a lot to be desired, but their food was delish :)

Stopped for lunch at Foordbarn in Noordhoek with Mom. Also very nice food :)

Had a lovely breakfast at Olympia Cafe with The Divine Miss M as well.

And yesterday, to distract me Mom and her boyf took me on a long drive out to Paternoster and we had lunch at Voorstrandt Restaurant. Which, although our food felt like it took ages (and they were packed), was quite nice :)

4. Places 
Mostly I've tried to keep busy and appreciate being in Cape Town, instead of curling up in bed with a book just to stop feeling so heart-broken.

I've done a drive around Cape Point, from Lakeside, along the main road ... all the way past Scarborough and Misty Cliffs and over Chapman's Peak (nice to be the passenger for a change).

We visited the absolutely amazing Green Point Park for our Grand Girl's picnic. Oh wow but that place is amazing and I'd highly recommend going. I loved it. A big Thumbs Up, Cape Town :)

Did 2 walks along Muizenberg beach, one with Mom and one with @WhizBangLouLou. A really nice change since I rarely go there usually ... usually we just go to our beach cottage, but it has been emptied out for renovations.

I walked along the coast with The Divine Miss M from Muienberg to Kalk Bay and back. That was fabulous.

And we did the drive out to Paternoster yesterday.

I'm still in Cape Town till Sunday. I feel like I'm just getting thru life at the moment. I suppose in that sense it is better to be back at work today. Mostly I just want to feel normal again.