Rollercoaster

Slowly becoming numb to life without The Trucker again. Haven't heard a word since we wished each other for New Years shortly after the clock ticked over.

So here's what you missed. I messaged him on Xmas morning. I was always planning to do so. But I wasn't really planning on initiating any contact other than that until his 30th birthday in February. I still miss him, but not speaking or knowing what he's up to helps me recover and move on with my life.

We messaged a few times in the morning, we miss each other, especially on a day like that. He sends a lot of hugs and kisses whenever we message. For the last two December trips to Cape Town, I've been in pretty much daily bbm contact with this boy. This year has been very hard :( Later in the afternoon, he asked if I was free on Boxing Day evening.

I avoided answering. I asked if I could think about it and let him know. He was obviously still using his flights to Cape Town, that were originally booked for him to come to join me. Kulula apparently won't refund you for a ticket after it's booked. All you can do is reschedule it so he'd decided to use it.

The next morning I said yes, I'd see him. I had thought about it. It was probably a bad idea, but the truth is I suck with "What if" and if I didn't go, in spite of however much it may hurt me further, I had to go, to see him, to know.

He was staying miles away, with no transport and I drove out to meet him. We went to dinner. He ate, I couldn't stomach anything. We chatted like normal initially. But the stupid boy said something (later in the week he said he'd just been kidding, but well, whatever). "You should've just flushed your birth control. Seriously, that's what you should've done". Seriously?

We spoke more about things that evening. (We didn't kiss or even hold hands tho) We chatted a little the next day. He was being collected by a stranger and taken to Ceres to buy a motorbike, I wanted to make sure he was okay and safe. He also let me know when he arrived in Robertson for the night.

I sent him a long email that night about things. He'd squashed any hope I had the week before, but now he'd given me a flicker. He messaged me when he stopped for lunch on his bike ride to Nature's Valley and again when he'd arrived safely. 3 days ending with "Good night sleep tight" messages.

On Sunday when he messaged to say hi, I called him. I was a mess. I was up and down and all over the place. Checking my phone constantly. Swinging wildly between hope and despair. We chatted some more. He'd read my email and he didn't know what he wanted. #sigh.

I know he misses me, but he doesn't seem to miss me enough to take this chance that everything could work out wonderfully. I think we've reached a state of over over-thinking things. I feel like he is trying to plan and guess at every possible outcome of this and decide if he's okay with it ... and if he finds even one possibility he's not comfortable with he's gonna run. I'm scared of many things too. Of us not getting back together and of never meeting someone better. Of us getting back together and breaking up for some other random reason before we have a kid and ending up right back here in the same place but older. Of us getting back together and having a kid and breaking up when they're still young ...No one knows the future. But not doing anything out of fear is surely no way to live. Then you might as well never leave your house for fear of being run over by a car or something.

I want this, I want him. I'm willing. I'm willing to work at it, to take the ups with the downs ... but I don't know for how much longer. I know this has made me a better partner for whoever I do settle down with. Because I've reached that place, the place where I know not everything is perfect, but if you can find enough happiness with each other it's totally worth working at it.

Unfortunately I don't get the feeling he is there. I don't really know if he can work at anything else that might go wrong based on how he's handled this ... Part of me believes that it has nothing to do with kids or his future with me specifically. In his past, he has always been able to get up and leave a situation when he didn't like it, get space. Or just head off to somewhere in the world on his own just because he wanted to without considering or waiting for someone else (he traveled a lot while his ex-girlf stayed home). I think he's terrified of feeling trapped and not being able to do those things, those survival tactics that have got him thru life till now. He's always only relied on himself and been completely independent, even if other people are relying on him, he's not relying on them. I don't know if he can be part of a team. I want someone who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them ...

Yeah, the truth is if in the next while he turned around and said "Sure thing, let's do this", I'd probably take him back ... I still love him. But it would take work and effort on his part.

What has been especially hard thru all of this has been being able to imagine my future so clearly, my future happiness and relationship ... and know that I have so little control over it. I can't make him see what I see and the chances are good that although it's close enough to see I'll never reach it. That's a little soul-destroying, I won't lie.

So he seems to have stopped talking to me again ... which is a good thing. He knows he's hurting me and I know he doesn't want to and that does make it hard for him. And if he did message me again I would have to be quite clear, unless he wants to talk thru his decision or ask questions to help him reach it, I can't help him anymore. I've told him the ball is in his court, he needs to figure things out. I know where I stand and there are things I can't budge on. Although there are many other things I am totally negotiable on.

Yip, it's been one hard week emotionally.