Crazy Week

Meh. It has been a very meh week. Not a good one by any stretch. At least it feels like it's finally on the up.

It's crazy week at my house o_0 It hasn't been crazy week for a ages ... but the stars aligned just so and made my brain go all introspective and self-doubty, which leads to all sorts of other nonsense. Basically, during crazy week, my brain hates me and tries all forms of self-sabotage.

So, needless to say, things between The Trucker and I have been strained this week. When I'm filled with self-doubt and loathing, this translates into neediness and, more specifically, needing reassurance from him. And total disbelief of whatever he tells me, because I had to ask to make him say it. I know, it's no fun for him either, but I can't seem to stop myself.

This led to an entire evening of not talking on Tuesday night. I hate those nights. And he came to bed well past bedtime after spending the entire night working on his laptop. I'm talking about nights where you send Whatsapp messages to tell the other person their dinner is ready. Yep, crazy, right?

Coming out from the other side of crazy week, into the light, I can see how crazy it is. But when you're in the midst, you can see nothing but trees!

I can't remember much from Monday evening, so I presume it was a regular boot-camp-and-dinner-at-home one. Tuesday was Boy's Boot Camp which I'd really been looking forward to. Then he was a bit of an idiot in the class, basically (in my mind) highlighting my faults and foibles in the "gym" department, which I already know I completely suck at, there is not a sporty bone in this body ... but I try, you know? And that is what Boot Camp is about. Trying. Doing as much as you can. So I spent the whole class in a huff, him none the wiser. My afternoon ruined because, the way I was already feeling about myself this was kinda the cherry.

I know, now, he really had no idea and didn't mean a thing by it, it was all playful goading ... which probably might've been fine had I been in a better head space. But I wasn't.

Then, quite obviously due to that same head space, I woke up in the middle of a night after a horrid dream. You know the ones that leave you panic-y and your heart still racing after you wake up? That. I dreamed I'd cheated on The Trucker. I didn't dream that part, by the time I was in the dream, it had happened and I was panicking about how on earth I could've ended up in that situation and how badly I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to fix everything! It was awful. Even in our not-speaking state, I made him turn over so I could curl up in his arms, even tho he was still fast asleep and quite unaware of my emotional rollercoaster o_0 Just. Awful.

Last night we had CollegeInstructor over for dinner. At least The Trucker and I were talking again. We made delish Peanut Butter Ostrich Burgers (since our usual catch-up with CollegeInstructor involves a meal at Gourmet Garage). It was actually a very nice evening :)

I was still feeling insecure last night, but I think I'm okay again this morning. The boy thinks I'm crazy. And, I probably am. I know he is not the cheating type. And he never once doubts or questions me or seems to feel insecure about us ... but I've been on the receiving end before and I know how easy it is to be secretive in this day and age where we all have private email addresses, can control our facebook feeds (per person!) and have our own cellphones. I dunno, technology, more days than not, I feel it is both a blessing and a curse.

Anyway, here's to crazy week being over!!